Detangling Cobwebs in My ADHD Brain
Part One
It’s hard finding out that you have had a lifelong disability when you are already passed the halfway mark in life.
It was easily overlooked in my childhood. My parents had their hands more than full raising 8 kids, 6 of which were rambunctious boys. My brothers were always stirring up trouble and it was all my parents could do to keep the simmering pot from boiling over.
My one and only sister was the oldest and I am the second youngest. She was fourteen years and seven months older than me. It often fell on her to look after me while my parents were putting out the fires my brothers were so good at igniting.
Early on, she instilled in me a love of the written word. I was driven to learn to read and write and she had the patience to teach me. I was reading by the age of four and writing simple sentences by five.
I wasn’t a troublemaker as long as I was learning. My sister thrilled in watching me soak up knowledge like a little sponge. As long as I wasn’t getting into trouble, my parents barely noticed my existence.
I sailed through school. Teachers had no problem giving me extra assignments, or changing up my work to make it a little more challenging. My sister was always willing to add to the gift of knowledge, talents, and skills.
My parents were focused on making sure that the boys got through to adulthood without killing themselves or anybody else. I was never a ‘problem child’. They had no way of knowing that my brain was constantly running in hyperdrive.
Back in those days, you didn’t go looking for problems that weren’t easy to see. The ones that were easily spotted were medicated, shoved into a closet, institutionalized, or otherwise secreted away. Neurodiversity was a shameful thing.
The sad thing about undiagnosed mental irregularities is that some of them allow you to know that you aren’t quite the same as everybody else. You just don’t understand why.
With ADHD, the more you try to fit into the box, the more your brain (and sometimes your body) retaliates.
It wasn’t until I was in my twenties that I started to suspect that I might have ADHD. My son was undergoing testing and I had to answer a questionnaire. I knew that I could have checked off a lot of those boxes for myself, but I wasn’t worried about myself at the time.
It’s funny how easy it is for women to put their own needs on the backburner. As wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, we always have someone else who has more pressing things that need to be dealt with. When we ignore ourselves in our quest to make the world around us a better place for those we love we eventually hit a wall.
There are signs along the way that it’s coming. I chose to ignore them and push on. I’d laugh when people would say that someday I’d be sorry for pushing so hard.
I was in my element when I was too busy to think or even sleep. There was nothing I couldn’t do, or wouldn’t at least try to do.
Shortly after I had my son my body started to complain. It seems to me it started out with insomnia, then digestive issues, then aches and pains. I still forged on, trying to do all and be all. Nothing could stop me. Life is too damn short to let things like that slow you down!
In my mid-twenties I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. Pain, exhaustion, and brain fog become my constant companions. Sometimes it immobilized me.
The frustration of not being able to do all the things all the time was overwhelming. I searched relentlessly for answers and relief. It wasn’t hard to figure out what triggered flares ~ stress, certain foods, lack of rest, weather changes ~ most of which seemed out of my control.
I tried everything I could find that might bring relief. Some things would help for a while, but when my symptoms returned they always seemed worse. My doctor wanted to put me on Lyrica, but I’m terrified to take a medication for which a common side effect is suicidal thoughts and tendencies. I’d been suicidal during adolescence and I didn’t want to risk that now that I had children that needed me.
It took me over two decades to realize that my Fibromyalgia could possibly be connected to the ADHD that I had tried so desperately to ignore all of my life. I didn’t want to be neurodivergent but I could no longer ignore it.
It made sense to me that if my brain was ‘over-firing’ and nothing was being done to control it, eventually it would start sending mixed messages to the rest of my body.
I found a new doctor. I explained my theory. He tested me with ADHD meds and we are both surprised at how well they have worked to alleviate my Fibro symptoms. He says it’s safe to say that my theory is right. I have ADHD.
Now, at almost 50, I have to learn how to manage it. It probably would have been easier if I’d been diagnosed in childhood. Accommodations would be second nature by now.
I know there are a ton of resources to help, but that’s a major catch 22 for someone with ADHD. It’s far too easy to get sucked into a rabbit hole and lose oneself for hours, or even days, exploring all the information and tools. I need to be able to function.
Aging and ADHD are certainly not a good combination. My mind races and yet can’t keep up with itself… and here I sit, trying to detangle cobwebs. I don’t want to lose a single thread. They all feel so important.
I still want to do all the things! If only I could remember what they were…
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