essay | illumination

Detachment

And why I’ve chosen it as my word of the year

It’s that lovely time of the year again where I choose a word/concept to focus on for the entire next year and have a look back at how things progressed with the word I’d chosen for the previous year. I’ve been doing this since 2014 instead of resolutions that I always broke before January was even halfway through.

In the past, I have chosen words like Acceptance, Gratitude, Abundance, Engage, and Loving-Kindness. All of these have helped me progress in my spiritual growth. Some in fascinating ways and others in bizarre ways.

For instance, I’d chosen Abundance back in 2016. I thought, how can I go wrong with something so beautiful? Well, the Universe has a way of laughing in my face sometimes. Oh, you want abundance? Are you sure? Fine, you asked for it! Boy did I ever get it!! I forgot about an important rule — be careful what you ask for, especially if you aren’t specific enough.

The year began okay. I set goals for writing projects and didn’t really foresee problems completing them. But then I took on too many side projects because well, the Universe directed people to me who wanted to push my writing skills into other directions and I accepted this because that’s what I said I would do. Then I allowed myself to get bogged down in other people’s issues, figuring that the Universe had brought these things to me in an abundant way so that I could act as a guide or peacekeeper. Boy was I wrong! These people didn’t want my help, they just wanted attention. In the end, I became anxious, panicky, and depressed. The depression grew, abundantly. I became ill over and over again, abundantly. I nearly lost my mind and was hospitalized. What suffered the most? My writing projects, in great abundance. From June until late September of 2016, I withdrew from the world. I wanted nothing more to do with Abundance. Even when I made a come-back in October of 2016, I still struggled with both my physical and mental health, plus some other residual abundant effects.

So what was my take-away from that year of Abundance? It can be both beautiful and brutal. Sometimes less really is more. I am now perfectly content with as little of everything as possible.

This brings me to 2021. I chose the word ‘Contentment’ as my word of the year. I’d spent the previous year concentrating on Forgiveness, and the year before that on Loving-Kindness. I thought, ‘okay, can I please learn what contentment is now?’ I thought this was going to be even harder on me than my year of Abundance. Surprisingly, I was wrong. It has been the easiest year of my life for spiritual growth.

I had always had a wandering spirit about me. Never content to stay put in one place too long, one job too long, or even one lover too long. I would begin to get fidgety if I lingered in one spot longer than a few years. From the time I’d left home at seventeen until I married my current spouse at thirty-five, I’d had dozens of apartments, jobs, and lovers. Moreover, although I’d had bouts of depression, I’d never had severe episodes that made me suicidal or put me in a mental hospital. All that changed when I married my spouse and moved to Oklahoma. All of a sudden, I was trapped. Nowhere to wander. No jobs to change. No new lovers to pass through. I became a basket case, attempted suicide several times, and was in and out of mental hospitals. For the longest time, I blamed my mental state on my spouse and Oklahoma.

When I spent the year 2020 on Forgiveness, I released all of that blame, as well as all the shame I’d had from my childhood and years spent wandering. I remember telling my therapist at the beginning of 2021 that I wanted to concentrate on Contentment and explained all of the reasons I explained above but then I forgot all about it. I stopped writing early this year and began doing art. I hadn’t done any art since college and it felt so good to play with pastels and watercolors again. By the time April rolled around, I was showing my therapist some of my artwork and made the comment of how content I was. Then bam! It hit me. Holy cow! I really was content. I was content with my artwork, content with life, and even content living in Oklahoma. And the great news is, I am still content.

I guess by now, you are probably wondering why if I am so content, I want to work on Detachment? I won’t be doing this in the common definition of the word — “a state of being objective or aloof” — but instead, I will be doing it in the Buddhist fashion of ‘letting go’ of my attachment to things that harm me physically, mentally or spiritually. I have an addictive personality and when I attach myself to one of my addictions, it takes forever for me to let loose. Some of my addictions include vaping, drinking Pepsi Max, eating food that I know harms my body, and allowing myself to go down too many rabbit holes that mess with my mind and spirit.

So my goal this year is to remain in the present moment, be mindful of what I put into my body and into my mind, and release things that no longer bring me joy. I have a feeling this will be my most challenging year yet, but I am up to the challenge!

©2021 Lori Carlson. All Rights Reserved.

How about you, dear friends? If you could choose a word/concept to focus on for the entire year, what would it be? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.

In the spirit of giving back to others, please check out these beautiful December Gifts

Lori Carlson writes Poetry, Fiction, Articles, Creative Non-Fiction, and Personal Essays. Most of her topics are centered around Relationships, Spirituality, Life Lessons, Mental Health, Nature, Loss, Death, and the LGBTQ+ community. She is the Owner/Editor of Promptly Written and Not For Bedtime Stories. Check out her personal Medium blog here.