Despite a Receding Hairline and a Paunch, My Confidence Is at Its Peak
I am only 32, but the drivers of my self-esteem have changed
I’ve always been your average looking guy when it comes to “looks” and have never been the one to make heads turn at a party. But I’ve always been cognizant of the fact that looks or physical appeal aren’t my strong suit when it comes to attracting the girls.
As I got out of college and grad school, I realized the only advantage of good looks isn’t about landing a pretty date, there’s also a distinct advantage of sharp appearances when it comes to professional first impressions. Again, this has never played to my distinct advantage, but it hasn’t been a handicap either.
Within the modest confines of my appearance, I’d say my “peak” was probably in my mid-20s when I was a regular marathon-runner and went to the gym about five times a week. This was also when my generally awful hair was still more brown than grey, and my hairline hadn’t significantly receded.
Yet, at that “peak” I was still slightly under-confident when it came to matters of the fairer sex and wouldn’t be the one initiating conversations at a bar or walking up to a girl I found attractive to start a conversation. When it came to a professional setting, there was a similar desire of wanting to not stand out from the crowd in any way.
Fast forward a few years to today — I’ve got a rapidly receding hairline, and my fitness is far from its peak —at about 175 cm tall, I used to be a lean 135 lbs about five years ago, and am currently at about 155 lbs — and most of that gain has come from fat on the face and the belly. I am not yet obese, but I am far from as fit as I’d like.
Yet, I am probably at my most confident self today than ever before, and it has absolutely nothing to do with my physical appearance. In fact, I probably carry off whatever I have with more confidence that it more than makes up for what’s been lost in terms of appearances. This is probably due to one major mindset shift that has happened over time.
Mindset shift from external to internal validation
Our mindset and definition of self-confidence undergo a gradual shift as we go through different phases of life. I’ll put it quite simply in a few different phases that most of you will identify with:
- Pre-teen & Teenage — As our bodies start to mature and we go through puberty, these are probably the first serious phases of our lives where we become conscious about appearances and how others view us — our locus of control in terms of appearance and acceptance starts to shift more towards the external side of the scale.
- College/University — The need for external validation remains high, but we also start to get our own sense of identity and style and tend to go in one of two directions — conform to the norms of the peers around us, or rebel and choose a totally unique style of our own.
- Mid 20’s to Mid 30s — There are two parts of this phase — both equally critical — one is the professional and the other is the personal component. Personally, this is often (not always) the phase where you’re looking to find a serious partner in life, and professionally you’re looking to build something of a career or gain financial independence. On both fronts, these are legitimate opportunities to build your identity beyond the traditional elements of appearances, college degrees, family background, and so on.
This last part is where there is a big opportunity to pivot your drivers of self-esteem from external sources of validation to internal ones.
Personal front — confidence and charm beat good looks every time
Luckily for me, at about 26, I happened to find the love of my life — a girl who’s absolutely gorgeous and somehow fell in love with me for whatever reasons! Often times, while appearances can be a major first impression, it is your personality that can often make or break it when it comes to love.
I’ve had numerous cases where I’ve found a girl very attractive at first sight but have struggled to hold a conversation for more than ten minutes for lack of a wavelength match. On the other hand, I’ve found girls quite ordinary at first, but have gotten along with them so well that the attraction grew significantly. Looks are a matter of habit — you get used to faces and appearances, but it is confidence, charm, and emotional and intellectual wavelengths that really matter in the end.
Professionally, finding your feet and a sense of belonging is key
I’ve been lucky enough to have had a fairly successful career in the tough industry of investment banking so far. I am almost ten years into my job and I feel quite secure and confident about my role professionally and continue to remain ambitious.
My confidence and sense of security weren’t always the same, however. As you start off fresh, in any career, you have your own doubts and apprehensions about the uncertainty of everything.
Do you belong here?
Is this the right career path?
Are you as good as the rest of your peers?
What if you fail?
But, the important bit is to continue to persevere and do your best at every step, and eventually if you spend long enough doing something, you do tend to become somewhat of an expert at it. The other critical part is to feel like you belong. The world is a mean place, and so if you have a seat at a table, it is because you deserve it, so second-guessing yourself won’t do you any good.
People pay you for having an opinion in most cases, and not for having a certain type of opinion. So it is often important to have a voice rather than worrying about what others will think of your viewpoint or worrying about being right all the time.
Once you get that level of comfort and sense of belonging, there is a natural comfort in everything that you do and it reflects naturally in a more confident demeanor.
Final Thoughts
Man is after all a social animal and so we all grow up in an environment where most of what we do is in some way to meet a certain set of accepted standards built by the “society” around us. Yet, as you progress through life phases, it becomes critically important to shift that locus of control from an external to an internal one, so you can truly feel at peace with yourself and confident in your own skin.