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Abstract

he same familiar faces re-appear at every open house. The naively optimistic First Home Buyer. The Downsizer who’s frantically trying to access his superannuation. The Indifferent Investor who only cares about the return. She won’t love the property like you will.You’ll ignore any red flags.It’s on a main road at the front of the building, the strata fees are suspiciously low, there’s no sinking fund, the mold-ridden bathroom doesn’t have a window, the electrics were owner installed. None of that matters though because it’s in your price range, it’s pet friendly and you’ve fallen in love!You’ll be unable to get any level of commitment.You’ll think that you’re making your intentions clear when you submit an offer and a subsequent higher one, but when The Seller refuses to meet you even halfway, you’ll be confused and hurt. The Real Estate Agent will explain that there’s too many other buyers out there and The Seller can’t possibly settle before the auction.You’ll realize that The Seller is Just Not That Into Your Offer.You’ll begrudgingly come to terms with this and half heartedly peruse other properties. Almost immediately with uncanny timing, the Real Estate Agent will call to reassure you that The Seller is seriously considering

Options

your offer. You’ll agree to hang in there until the auction day.You’ll lay your heart on the line… and have it crushed.Auction Day! You’ll bid with unrestrained abandon going well over your limit, until the Indifferent Investor trumps you at the end. You’ll leave the auction ashen faced, holding back tears, amidst blatant faced denials from the Real Estate Agent to your claims of ‘leading me on’ and ‘giving me false hope’.You’ll be unable to stop yourself searching for pictures of the house with its Sold sign.You’ll torment yourself repeatedly by looking up the photos and floorplans with their smugly placed Sold sign. You’ll be too numb to cry, and when you try to call the Real Estate Agent to check that the sale didn’t fall through, he’ll have vanished into thin air, ignoring all your calls, texts, drunken voicemails.You’ll rebound with the worst possible property.Out of the blue, the Real Estate Agent will start to orbit you, bombarding you with multiple property updates. Despondently you’ll check out the new properties. That’s when you’ll see it! On the ground floor with a garbage depot on one side and a housing commission estate on the other. None of the ‘bedrooms’ have windows. It’s the perfect property!</article></body>

Satire

Desperation, Ghosting and Broken Hearts

Why buying a property has a lot in common with the dating market

The seller’s market: A shortage of properties and an oversupply of buyers, a situation similar to – in dating vernacular – the infamous ‘man drought’.

You thought it was hard to find a decent man? Try buying a home in 2021. Sellers have the upper hand, buyers are desperate and opportunistic real estate agents are utilizing the venerable practices of Ghosting, Breadcrumbing and Orbiting.

Here’s what to expect if you’re in the market:

You’ll obsessively scour real estate websites.

Initially it will appear that there is a multitude of ideal properties, but you’ll soon discover they all have issues. You’ll move too slowly and miss out on a couple of ok ones and start to panic. Especially when you realize that even the bad ones get snapped up.

You’ll attend every open inspection because this one could be ‘The One’.

Déjà will set in as the same familiar faces re-appear at every open house. The naively optimistic First Home Buyer. The Downsizer who’s frantically trying to access his superannuation. The Indifferent Investor who only cares about the return. She won’t love the property like you will.

You’ll ignore any red flags.

It’s on a main road at the front of the building, the strata fees are suspiciously low, there’s no sinking fund, the mold-ridden bathroom doesn’t have a window, the electrics were owner installed. None of that matters though because it’s in your price range, it’s pet friendly and you’ve fallen in love!

You’ll be unable to get any level of commitment.

You’ll think that you’re making your intentions clear when you submit an offer and a subsequent higher one, but when The Seller refuses to meet you even halfway, you’ll be confused and hurt. The Real Estate Agent will explain that there’s too many other buyers out there and The Seller can’t possibly settle before the auction.

You’ll realize that The Seller is Just Not That Into Your Offer.

You’ll begrudgingly come to terms with this and half heartedly peruse other properties. Almost immediately with uncanny timing, the Real Estate Agent will call to reassure you that The Seller is seriously considering your offer. You’ll agree to hang in there until the auction day.

You’ll lay your heart on the line… and have it crushed.

Auction Day! You’ll bid with unrestrained abandon going well over your limit, until the Indifferent Investor trumps you at the end. You’ll leave the auction ashen faced, holding back tears, amidst blatant faced denials from the Real Estate Agent to your claims of ‘leading me on’ and ‘giving me false hope’.

You’ll be unable to stop yourself searching for pictures of the house with its Sold sign.

You’ll torment yourself repeatedly by looking up the photos and floorplans with their smugly placed Sold sign. You’ll be too numb to cry, and when you try to call the Real Estate Agent to check that the sale didn’t fall through, he’ll have vanished into thin air, ignoring all your calls, texts, drunken voicemails.

You’ll rebound with the worst possible property.

Out of the blue, the Real Estate Agent will start to orbit you, bombarding you with multiple property updates. Despondently you’ll check out the new properties. That’s when you’ll see it! On the ground floor with a garbage depot on one side and a housing commission estate on the other. None of the ‘bedrooms’ have windows. It’s the perfect property!