Describe yourself in 5 words

She sits back in her chair and crosses her legs neatly, resting her notebook on her knee.

“Describe yourself in five words,” she says.

I think for a minute then reply: “Overweight unemployed divorcee needing money”.

She permits herself a small smile. After four sessions she’s beginning to understand my humour. I think.

“Do you see how those are all negative words?” she replies. “I think we need to go into more depth about positive self-talk”.

Ugh. This is the hard part about counselling. I mean don’t get me wrong — counselling is AWESOME and I’d thoroughly recommend it. You get to sit and talk about yourself for an hour to someone who appears to be extremely interested in your every utterance.

But it’s also a lot of work and implementing lessons and such and that’s where I get bogged down.

Because it’s bloody hard to break the habits of a lifetime.

I’m very self-aware but also highly self-critical. There’s a fine line between self-deprecating and negative self-talk and I sway across that line all the time.

In fact, that prompt gave me a sudden flashback to a long-ago and not at all lamented relationship.

Sitting entwined on the sofa one evening, I turned to my partner and said, “how would you describe me?”

His response was prompt — “You’re very loyal, he said. You’ve always got my back.”

Not horrible but not exactly what I was after. Running my hand coyly over his chest I prompted, “anything else?”

There was a pause before he came back with, “You’re easy-going”. His brow furrowed, thinking hard. “Oh yeah, and you’re affectionate”.

Well, throw in ‘can fetch sticks’ and I’d make a terrific cocker spaniel.

So later, I asked other people’s opinions

Describing ourselves can be tricky as I’ve recently discovered while re-doing my CV. You need to talk yourself up, highlight your good points, and really SELL yourself. This always feels a bit icky and cringeworthy. It’s that dividing line between highlighting my good points and sounding like a tosser.

So, I did what I usually do when I’m stuck — I asked my sisters. I got:

“You’re very sensible so you give good advice. And you always stick with it when shit happens”. “You can be sarcastic. But that’s kind of a family trait so it’s not an issue”. “You’re really good at looking up stuff on the internet”. “You’re very kind and if you had money, you’d be really generous with it”. “You don’t suffer fools and you can make me laugh”.

Sensible, sarcastic, kind, funny, resilient, and a good researcher. Now we’re getting somewhere! And yes, I do have five sisters 😊

But of course, one of them had to point out the obvious. “It’s not about us describing you,” she said. “It’s about what you think of yourself. Stop trying to cheat!”

Anyway, back to the session!

So, we spoke (again) about negative self-talk and how damaging it is and talked about my good points and the stuff I can do well.

And as the hour wound down, I’d come up with another sentence:

“Working on loving myself more”.

I’d also been taking notes. I was now armed with a list of positive things to take away with me, study and — most importantly — believe.

She nodded, satisfied with my progress and I felt irrationally pleased, as though I’d made a favourite teacher happy.

But then she dropped the bombshell. I didn’t see it coming. Not even a clue.

“That’s a great start,” she said casually. “And for the next session, I want you to show me how you’ve translated those points into your online dating profile.”

I’m sorry, WHAT?

“Loneliness is a serious problem,” she continued. “You did mention you’d be open to dating so I want you to put together a profile and show it to me next time. I look forward to reading it.”

I’m pretty sure my mouth was hanging open. I’d been betrayed by my own admission of both loneliness and perhaps possibly maybe wanting to meet someone in the dim distant future.

And now the future had arrived in the form of this torturous woman waiting, with the door open and a small smile on her face, for me to pick my jaw up off the floor and shuffle out.

I’ll let you know how I go. Or maybe I’ll find a new counsellor…

I’d love to hear how you’d describe yourself in 5 words — please share in the comments.

And as always, I’m so grateful to you for following and reading my work :)