TK

Satire

DeSantis Delivering on His “Make Florida More Insane Again” Promises

Whatever comes next won’t help out Florida residents

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has been wildly successful in bringing his campaign to “Make Florida More Insane Again” into reality.

It is true that things in Florida and many other parts of the nation have slowly but surely returned to what might be considered normal (meaning whatever life was like before the 2020 arrival of COVID-19) for most citizens. However the virus is still here, and probably always will be.

Florida had 53 COVID-positive patients for every 100,000 residents during the worst of the omicron wave in January. Although that rate has gone down, people are still being infected and are still dying.

We talked to the Governor and his recently appointed Surgeon General for the state, Dr. Joseph Ladapo, about their approach to dealing with the virus. We started by asking the Governor to give himself a grade on how well he has done for the citizens of Florida.

“Without question, I’d give myself an A+,” replied the Governor, who some say, reminds them of a ferret. “Once the Coronavirus was released by the Chinese and imported here by the liberals, I jumped into action. Know-it-alls like Biden and Fauci conspired to force heavy-handed, ridiculous demands on citizens. I have fought tooth and nail against President Biden and the Democrat’s effort to turn average citizens into socialists by requiring them to wear masks or get a vaccination. This is no different from what we are seeing in Russia’s invasion of Ukraine.”

“While the virus was still surging, I made sure to strip local authorities of powers to instigate coronavirus mitigation efforts and I banned school districts from imposing mask mandates. Some of those yokels had the gall to think that they can make better decisions about the needs of their community than I can.”

When asked about this apparent conflict with his often heard rhetoric around home rule and freedom, the Governor said, “I mean, look. Home rule and freedom and all that is fine. But I’m in full re-election mode and that means getting the attention of all the people who love saying one thing but doing another. At this point, however, I like to say, ‘freedom isn’t free unless I say it is.’”

“But I am completely committed to the people of Florida who vote for me and so I have not stopped my efforts to make this state great. We, of course, have to take care of our citizens but we also have to take care of our economy. So, to further look like I was doing something good for the people of the state, I hired Dr. Joseph Ladapo to be Florida’s Surgeon General. Dr. Ladapo brings a lot of integrity to this position and by integrity, I mean doing whatever I tell him to do.”

“Just before he joined my team, he was a researcher at UCLA studying the effects of withholding necessary medical treatments from children. I’m so proud that he has officially recommended against the Covid-19 vaccines for healthy children in Florida.”

When asked why he was making a recommendation that is contrary to the recommendations of the CDC, Dr. Ladapo responded by saying, “The CDC may think they have all the answers but in my extensive research, and by that I mean my discussions with the Governor, I have determined that they are wrong.”

When asked about the 73,000 Floridians who have died from the virus, the Governor said, “I don’t know where you got that number. I’m sure from one of those fake sites pretending to provide critical and accurate public health information that you in the liberal media pay attention to. Based on the criteria we created, without the interference of people qualified to establish them, the number is more like, maybe, 52.”

“But, yes, unfortunately, a number of our citizens bravely fought COVID and lost, reminding us that freedom isn’t free.”

“You keep bringing up the virus,” the Governor continued. “But that is clearly in the past. We have now completely defeated the virus so it will never come back. That means I have been able to focus all of my attention on what really matters to our citizens like Critical Race Theory, the “wokeness” scourge, and eliminating the threat to kindergarteners of being exposed to ways people are different from each other.”

“I believe that, with Dr. Ladapo’s help, I can continue to lead Florida into the 19th century.”