Baseball Intrigue

Derek Jeter Got To Cooperstown, But the Vote Wasn’t Unanimous

Here’s why the naysayer said No

Derek Jeter just got inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY.

He was a pretty good ballplayer. Kinda like how Eric Clapton is a pretty good guitar player.

Twenty years with the Yanks, team captain, .310 lifetime, 3,465 hits, 260 home runs, and 1,311 RBIs.

He did good.

Everybody knew he was a shoo-in for the Hall, and a lot of folks would have bet money he’d be voted in unanimously, like his buddy and teammate Mariano Rivera.

Didn’t happen.

The Baseball Writers Association of America does the voting, and 397 ballots were cast.

Jeter was only named on 396 of them.

Whodunit?? Who didn’t vote for the man many consider the ultimate baseball hero and good guy?

Nobody knows.

Over 300 writers made their ballots public after the vote, and Jeter was named on all of them. But you don’t have to make your ballot public, and the naysayer remains anonymous.

Until now.

Well, sort of.

I managed to track the person down and obtain an exclusive interview. Of course I had to promise not to reveal his identity. I mean, her identity. I mean, their identity.

I asked the Big Question: How come you didn’t vote for Jeter? What held you back??

The naysayer gave me 21 reasons. Most were straight outta left field, which is what you might expect from a baseball writer.

Here they are in the writer’s own colorful words.

He didn’t wear a mask when he played. OK, they didn’t have COVID back then, but a good shortstop’s supposed to anticipate stuff.

He wasn’t erudite. He wasn’t a philosopher. He wasn’t facile with his verbs. He couldn’t explain things clearly like Yogi Berra.

He’s married to a swimsuit model. The guy’s only 47 — that’s too young to have a trophy wife.

He always used a black bat. So did Dracula. It sends the wrong signal to impressionable young fans.

He spent his whole career with the Yankees. Where’s the diversity? What — he’s too good for other teams??

He was the Yankee captain. You’re the captain, you should look the part. He shoulda been out there in a suit, or at least had those funny gold braidy things on his shoulders.

Did he ever do a backflip?? Ozzie Smith, the St. Louis Cardinals Hall of Fame shortstop, did backflips. Ozzie did a lot of backflips. The Wizard of Oz belongs in the Hall, Jeter does not.

He started with hair, then all of a sudden he’s a cueball. You wanna be in the Hall, you gotta be a consistent performer. That includes your hair.

Phil Rizzuto was a Yankee shortstop, and he’s in the Hall of Fame. You wanna know why? Because he was always saying “Holy cow!!” He was reverent. A Hindu, I guess. I don’t see that in Jeter.

Jeter was in that Gatorade ad. Look, I’m no fan of ’gators, but if you keep drinking ’em, they’re gonna be extinct. It could screw up the ecosystem.

Did you see him on Saturday Night Live? He kept hitting balls into the audience and hurting people. Deliberately. We don’t need a sadist in the Hall.

He was never involved in a scandal. He never got caught with his pants down, and us reporters need stuff like that. It’s what the news biz is all about.

He wore that foot guard when he batted. So all these young kids went out and got one. Probably screwed up their little bones. Bet they’re all walking around now with a limp.

He never played a game in a cornfield. Mickey Mantle was from Oklahoma. They got corn there. They got corn that’s as high as an elephant’s eye.

Jeter grew up in Kalamazoo, right? Abraham Lincoln visited Kalamazoo in 1856. Let’s face it, Jeter’s no Abe Lincoln, not even if he had a stovepipe helmet.

The Hall of Fame’s in Cooperstown, right? Has Jeter ever read The Deerslayer or The Last of the Mohicans by James Fenimore Cooper? Not to my knowledge. It shows a lack of respect.

He played in stadiums with artificial grass. Next thing you know people will be playing on artificial dirt. It’s a slippery slope — especially on the pitcher’s mound.

Did you know he was the president of the Latin Club back in high school? Well, et tu, Brutus, I’m not voting for a guy who’d walk around in a toga with lettuce behind his ears.

He was a good fielder. He could do the poetry-in-motion thing. But it wasn’t Shakespearian. It wasn’t the beautiful choreography you see with professional wrestlers.

He signed too many autographs for kids. It cramps up your hand and causes bad throws. I mean, it could. Maybe it didn’t, but he was taking a risk. It was reckless behavior.

Finally, Jeter looks too much like Donald Pleasence. You know, the actor guy? The one who gets his head eaten by a white corpuscle in Fantastic Voyage? You just can’t have a guy who looks like that in the Hall of Fame.

Mark Armstrong is proud to be a contributor to MuddyUm, the best humor publication on Medium. He’d also be proud to have you as a subscriber to his future posts. 👍 😊