Depression, Loneliness, and Becoming a Hero: Everything (and More) You Need to Know About My Time in Arizona
Short Story and More
3 years ago, I went through a season of life I’d rather never re-live again. Betrayal, loss, heartache, dreams shattered, unknown future. I even had a couple of teeth explode (not kidding).
And as my world, as I knew it collapsed, I was two days away from a family vacation in Salt Lake City. What timing.
I decided I would drive from Portland, Oregon to Salt Lake City, Utah thinking it would be good for me and give me a chance to clear my mind and process. I drove the 15 hours without listening to music or anything, I just drove, and let my mind go wherever it wanted to go. Which at times meant, nearly hyperventilating because of anxiety.
After a week with my family, I decided to stay on the open road indefinitely, which turned into 3 more weeks exploring Utah, Arizona, and California.
And it was in that time that the anxiety slowly lessened, my mind cleared, a thankful heart returned, and I could offer forgiveness to others.
Sometimes people see me as a wild adventurer, but in some ways, it started out of simply trying to survive. Simply trying to breathe. Simply trying to create a new life from the brokenness I was experiencing.
Back to today…
I had spent all of the summer of COVID working around the clock, going into the office on certain evenings and nearly every weekend, as late as 3:00 am. There was a lot of work to be done and only certain times I could go in due to COVID protocol, so I stayed on top of my work and went in when I could.
Nov 18: Journal Entry
It’s Draft Day. One of my favorite days of the year and yet, I sit here a little empty, simply.
Which then inspired the following poem Empty, Simply
I feel a bit empty, simply If you asked how I thought my life would end up Well, it’s ended up a bit empty I had hopes and dreams, but they were never enough
I feel a bit empty, simply If you asked if this what my life would look like at 38 Well, it’s ended up a bit mpty I thought I’d have a wife and kids, am I now too late?
I feel a bit empty, simply If you asked if I knew the next steps of my journey Well, it’s ended up a bit mty I had direction but one wrong turn left me burning
I feel a bit empty, simply If you asked what I seek and what I’ve been praying for Well, it’s ended up a bit mt I can only pause, breathe, and wish there were more
I’m just a bit empty, simply
When things started to open up a bit again, I was labeled as non-essential and told to stay home. To say the least, it was a stab through my soul. It made me wonder why I had made such sacrifices to my own physical and mental health over the course of the pandemic and the previous 13 years to be labeled as ‘non-essential.’
Dec 6: Journal Entry
I’ve had a tough week. Got out of rhythms… trouble getting out of bed, no motivation. Just tired, emotionally. Work from home for a year, another year — it’s not the working from home, it’s the unimportant, unwanted. That’s tough.
Meanwhile, I would be receiving e-mails and phone calls daily from those labeled as essential so that I could help them with their jobs, it was both nice to know I was needed and infuriating to not be there.
Dec 20: Journal Entry
Ok, what happened. Out of rhythms. Just hit a decently dark and mild depression. I just feel so … unappreciated.
Alas, after a couple of weeks of depression, and not always getting out of bed until noon or thereafter, I had to change my attitude. I could feel sorry for myself or I could re-frame the situation. I knew for sure, I couldn’t live my life without getting out of bed at noon and being depressed. That just wasn’t going to work for me. There’s too much life to be had.
I hadn’t been on a ‘vacation’ for over a year. All of my vacation time had been swallowed up during COVID as summer passed and we continued to work each day with a never-ending season.
I knew I needed a change of scenery but I wasn’t quite sure what to do when…
I received a phone call.
“John, would you like to go with us to Arizona?”
I didn’t think about it.
I didn’t hesitate.
I said, “Yes.”
And as I was thinking about it, I texted them, “I don’t think I’m going to fly, I think I might drive.”
I needed more than just to go somewhere else. I needed the open road to process my thoughts, my life, my journey, and my current circumstances.
The night before I left, I didn’t really know which way to go. I knew I wanted to visit Death Valley National Park but it would take a couple of days to get there. My roommate recommended Lake Tahoe and I marked that as my first destination.
I got to Reno, Nevada that night and stayed in a Motel 6, per usual. I usually drive as far as I can and then find the cheapest hotel possible. It may have only been $50 but it also may be my last time staying in a Motel 6, specifically in Reno.
The next morning I headed to Lake Tahoe and did some exploring, the best I could, with so many things closed because of COVID.
Upon leaving, I found a small town in California to stay the night. There was only one location that was open, so I had to stay there. It was about three times as much as the Motel 6 but after taking a clean shower, having a nice bed to stay in, curtains that closed, a safe parking lot, and so on… I felt great about my decision to stop there.
On to Death Valley…
I stayed with my friends in Scottsdale, Arizona who had originally invited me and we spent the week exploring the area.
It was an unusually rainy week in Arizona, alas, it was still warmer and less wet than Portland.
Phoenix had a nice balance of everything being open and everyone wearing masks. We went to coffee shops, we went out to eat, we went to a museum, and explored the dessert and towns. It was simply nice to be somewhere other than isolated in dreariness.
Journal Entry: Jan 31
I’m not sure about my time so far. I just feel jumbled inside. I’m anxious and coping. I’m starting to not even know what to do or who I am. Not there yet but this path is…
The day they left, within 10 minutes, that pit in the stomach appeared… that eternal emptiness. You know the feeling.
How is it that a heart can be so… full of emotions And yet… so empty at the same time
As silence approaches, the forever pit of loneliness knocks A retreat into another click, another app, another distraction
To numb what’s inside To numb the tear that desires to be shed To numb the deepest of desires To numb the lack of achieving those deepest desires
How is it that a heart can be so full… of emotions And yet… so empty at the same time
I had gotten so casually used to being with people again and all of a sudden, I was a thousand+ miles away from home, alone again.
That’s not a bad thing, but it’s definitely an adjustment.
So I did what I do… I found places to explore, places to hike, coffee shops to work from, and the occasional Hinge date, because why not?
Journal Entry: Feb 2
Can one be refreshed and sad at the same time? Full of anxiety yet appreciate the sunshine and location. I’m just full of emotions and yet empty.
As always, when I’m in life defining situations, as Hamilton would say, “I wrote my way out.” I write my way out. I read. I sit. I walk. I wonder. I write.
My blog for January 29 was called, Waiting for Perfect
Please don’t. Perfect isn’t coming. So many of us wait for the right conditions, the right timing and yet, it consistently alludes us.
Why?
Because it’s unlikely everything will line up in an orderly way for us in life.
It’s more likely the opposite, hence 2020…and 2021.
Ecclesiastes 11:4 They who watch the wind, waiting for all conditions to be perfect, will not sow the seed, and they who look at the clouds will not reap a harvest.
We can watch the wind and wait for it to blow us in a specific direction or we can simply live.
The clouds don’t need to determine how we live. We can run against the wind, we can set sail in the wind, we can chase the wind.
The conditions will never be perfect.
But if a kite always waited to fly once the wind was going in a specific direction at a specific speed, it would probably spend most of its time grounded rather than doing what it was created to do, fly.
And for Feb 5, it was Life is Complex
Life is complex.
2020 was complex.
2021 is already complex.
The path isn’t around them.
We can’t avoid them.
The path is through them.
You’ll find wisdom there. You’ll find growth. You’ll find the unexpected.
Complexity isn’t something that needs to be avoided, it’s simply that, complex.
The antonyms of complex are simple, uniform, uncomplicated… and although, about right now, that sounds really nice… it’s in the complexity, when we have to constantly pivot, adjust, make new, that we find our truest selves.
They are words I write for others, but it’s just as much or more, words I write for myself. Words I write for myself that I hope in someway will uplift another.
I made my way back to Portland in similar fashion to how I had come and that is through Death Valley National Park.
When I got back home, I thought my trip was alright. Yeah, just alright.
But then… something I didn’t expect happened.
I woke up the next day and realized I hadn’t had just an alright trip. It had been incredible. My body felt better. My spirit was alive. I was emotionally and mentally healthier.
It may have been hard to feel all of that while I was alone and driving but once I could feel and see the distinction between who I was when I left and who I was when I returned, I realized what had happened.
There were two podcasts I listened to along the way that were formative as well.
One was with Brené Brown & Melinda Gates on Brené’s Podcast, Unlocking Us:
When there’s nothing left to lose… and you’re ready to go, the last thing to try is vulnerability, authenticity, showing up as yourself, that’s when we unlock success.
The hero’s journey… Act 1, you understand the lay of the land. Act 2, the hero tries every way possible to succeed without being vulnerable in themselves… end of Act 2 whether it’s Harry Potter or Katniss, Luke Skywalker… the end of Act 2, the person finally says, I got nothing left to lose, I’m almost dead, let me be myself.
I knew I was in Act 2. I’ve lived a good Act 1. I’ve worked hard. I’ve built a nice life and relationships and have had success with my career. But it was time to take things to another level, not to worry about outcomes and opinions but to fully embrace myself and what I have to offer.
The second one was with Ryan Hawk and Donald Miller on Ryan’s Podcast, The Learning Leader:
In stories, there are 4 major characters / roles…victim, villain, hero, guide
Those 4 roles exist in almost every story. We have in us a victim, villain, hero, and guide. We play those different roles. The key is to understand what happens in stories to each of those characters. The victim is rescued by the hero. They do not transform. They do not get a reward. Their job is to make the hero look good and the villain look bad. It’s a bit part.
But in life, we are sometimes tempted to play the victim. It does a couple of things for us. It helps us out of the responsibility that is ours. If we’re a victim, we don’t have to do our work, clean our room, file taxes because we’re a victim. It’s a tempting role to play because it gets you out of some responsibilities. Playing the victim attracts a rescuer, someone to come in and do the work for you.
I grew up poor. Had terrible grades. I could have stayed a victim.
I transformed to a heroic mentality.
A hero faces challenges, they are focused. They overcome hard obstacles. They take action. They take down villains. They fight for justice. They fight to accomplish their goals.
I changed my mindset from victim to hero and it changed my life.
Heroes are rewarded. Heroes are respected. They accomplish things. They have things because they accomplish things.
Villains and heroes have similar stories. They both usually have a backstory of pain.
Villains usually have a limp or scar. Heroes also have painful backstories but choose to do different things with that pain. The hero says… I don’t want this pain to happen to anyone else, I’m going to go fight so it doesn’t happen to anyone else. The villain says… I will seek vengeance.
Guides can help other heroes win.
The more you play the hero, the better life will go. The more you play the victim, the less you are going to grow as a human being.
I realized how easy it was for me to play the victim role. Yes, I’ve had some awful things happen to me in the last few years but at the same time… I would rather those things drive me and form me (in the best way), rather than for me to sit around and wait for someone to rescue me.
I have to remind myself daily to be the hero. It’s not easy. Working from home adds a challenge. You have to self-motivate. You have to encourage yourself. You get no feedback. And yet, you have to press on.
And when it comes to inspiring others, it’s another challenge in the time of COVID due to the isolation. So it’s taking moments to reach out to people as they cross your mind. To think of others who may be going through hard times as well.
At times, we all need a hero and at times, we can all be a hero for someone else.
