Dementia can’t Stop Love — My Journey With Mother, 93 years old post Mini stroke — Day 1

Love makes the difference in all situations, the soul gets it

Every three months since my father transition, I planned to visit my mother. After 57 years of marriage, some days are difficult for her navigating through her new life with caregivers. That day had come and off to Mississippi I flew just when the coronavirus was starting to peak

Arrived to an empty airport, no traffic and fewer travelers inside! Reminded me of the good old days when not too many flew especially in the wee hours of the morning!! I was TSA precheck and no lines existed! Felt privilege for a moment, no drama!!!

Going through security was a breeze and onto my gate. Some people wore masks but few in comparison. I traveled very light on Spirit Airlines where they charge for everything to make up for their cheap flights. Flying to my Mother, quarterly, I needed the cheapest flight I could find. Got a ticket for $200 dollars to New Orleans and rented a relatively inexpensive car. The airline ticket and rental car fee was not an easy task to obtain. It took lots of research and over a period of time.

As I sat at the airport gate, waited for my flight. I sat in an area where it was completely empty. Moments later, one lady appeared right next to me in an empty airport. I thought, “Really lady?!” Suddenly, no sooner than my thoughts finished, she left. What a relief! Next, a couple appeared directly in front of me and proceeded to put on their mask. By now, I had had it. I jumped up and sprinted to another desolate area in the airport. Took a deep breath as I started to people watch.

As I gazed around the airport, there were tons of seats everywhere. People distanced themselves strategically except this one African American lady who sat two seats from a couple and no sooner than the male of the couple cough, she immediately with great urgency sat in another seat behind them. Shortly afterwards another passenger went to sit by the cougher and his companion, this African American lady signaled the lady and warned her about the cougher, she was about to sit next too. This lady immediately halted and sat next to the African American lady. Both sat behind the cougher, I assumed so that his coughing droplets would not land on them in any manner.

Everyone was on guard regarding the coronavirus including me. No time to be foolish or prideful. Neither helps anyone. Then as I begun to relax in my new location, some airline personnel sat near me. Well I thought, since they were working all should be well with them. I hoped. Returned to guarding my space as I chatted on the phone. Again, a few people emerged to sit in my new location looking for an outlet for their electronic devices. Thank God, the phone outlets didn’t work, each left immediately. I had resigned not to move any more until a family of four appeared and sat to close for comfort to me but I remained until I heard a cough from one of the children. I sprinted to another desolate area but near the gate. Remained there until boarding.

Also, prior to boarding, I rushed to the restrooms and it was packed. Never saw so many people washing their hands. Have not seen this many people ever to wash their hands. As I washed my hands, someone hugged me from behind and whispered in my ear, how to wash my hands properly. I thought that was very strange in the airport’s bathroom. I stayed calm as I heard a voice that turned out to be a black lady who conveyed, “You are suppose to wet your hands first, then had the soap”. I looked up in the mirror and chatted with her and her granddaughter for a moment. I thanked her as her granddaughter was washing her hands and touching the water handle simultaneously. While I was appreciative of her concern, I chuckled at the mere fact of what had just happened.

Exited the bathroom and explained to my sister who was on the phone all the while this was going on what had just happened as I chuckled. While I appreciated the lady’s concern, it was all amusing. Nowadays due to the coronavirus, there are all types of checks and balances in place.

Boarded the plane, with my backpack that contained a week’s worth of clothing. Have learned how to travel so light, never thought possible. This goes to show you that we don’t need as much as we think we need when traveling. It’s was all about planning and coordinating. Waited until all passengers had boarded as not to stand in a long line in the corridor of the plane waiting to board. Never liked how they make you stand in that corridor and now with the coronavirus, I really didn’t like it. By the time I boarded, i stood in lines for about five minutes and on the plane I stepped. With all the gloom, was by a very good cheerful steward and as I walked the isle to my seat. I saw many passengers with all kinds of masks from the basic, complex and to the designers! I chuckled as I wonder how much each really worked for the news stated none worked to keep the virus out. Lol.

Sat in my seat and immediately checked around me. Once I took an inventory of my surroundings I began to start writing my toastmaster’s stories until I fell asleep for one hour and a half.

Awoke, and wrote three complete stories for presentation in a few weeks for my Toastmasters Bronze credentials. No sooner than I finished the last story, the pilot advised we’d be landing in a few minutes. Wow, I was rested and feeling satisfied having gotten so much work completed.

Deplaned and headed to the rental car agency. Usually when I arrived in New Orleans, I had to walk to the car rental place but this time, all the surroundings were different. Having been here a few months ago, that they had rearranged the car rental agency. Then I spotted a bus that would take me to the car rental agency. The bus driver drove for about ten minutes from the terminal and seem to arrive at the very same location that I used to walk too. Bizarre, I thought. As I exited, the bus, I inquired of the bus driver and was informed that Spirit airlines landed at a completely different terminal than the main terminal. Later, I was informed the old terminal was now closed and a new terminal had opened five months ago. I exited the bus to get my rental car. Transaction completed as I headed to pick up my car.

I was assigned a cute little Volkswagen, Beatle bug car, tiny but cute. Got in the car and drove for one hour and a half to Mississippi. To pass the time I listened to TedTalks videos and and before I knew it I had arrived.

Arrived and mother answered the door and was having a moment of relapse where she thought Father was still alive. I advised her father passed away eight years ago and each time she became more erratic and annoyed. My brother had very little patience with her by yelling at her and I advised him not to yell at her. When a dementia person is having an emotional moment, yelling doesn’t help but escalate the situation. I proceeded to stay calm and tried to reason with her and eventually did all I could to distract her as I prepared a list of items to go shopping with. Soon she forgot about father and calmed down. Also, riding helped to calm her down. Dementia patients find riding calming for some reason.

As I drove to Walmart, she forgot about father and was much more calm as she asked other questions, i.e. “Where are we going?: , “What are we buying?” and these questions were asked over and over. I have found that when you answer the questions over and over, eventually they do change or subside.

As I drove, we were all stuffed into this little Volkswagen. Had not planned on my brother traveling with us at all, otherwise would have requested a bigger car. I squeezed Mother in the back seat and my brother and I in the front seat. Arrived at Walmart and had a difficult time getting mother out of the back seat due to a recent stroke that had weakened her right side and leg. As she tried to exit, she fell on the floor. With all my strength and her help, she got up and out of the car. My brother could or did not help, not sure if he was able or did not realize the severity of the situation. Finally out of the car, gave her a shopping cart to prop against as I went to park the car.

Entered Walmart, shopped and walked around the store slowly making sure she got some exercise for her legs. The caregivers don’t make her walk enough to strengthening her legs. She and my brother hung in there, she held onto the shopping cart and my was brother on his cane.

At checkout, mother wanted to help even though I advised her not too. Being she was so insistent, I complied and watched as she grabbed two bags at a time and placed them in the shopping cart. She doesn’t accept limitation. I comply but monitored her actions very carefully to ensure she would not fall or hurt herself in anyway. She did all just fine and we left. All the while, my brother looked on. As we left, I informed my brother that he had to sit in the back seat and mother in the front seat. She couldn’t afford to fall again. He jokingly complained but I was dead serious.

Returned to the car, my brother in the back seat and mother easily sat in the front seat and off we went. Returned home, I made dinner for us and then cooked a favorite for her, lemon muffins. Had mother to help stir the batter. Required that she use her right hand as much as possible. This was to strengthen the right hand that was affected by the stroke. Also, engaging mother on all levels was paramount for her brain and dementia.

Mother turned on the oven, I placed the muffins in the oven and twenty minutes later we had beautiful brown large muffins. Her eyes lit up like a Christmas tree with delight. She walked over to the muffins and said she wanted one and I advised once cool, she could.

All was done and the evening was coming to an end as we watched television and wound down from a busy few hours prior. I had just arrived in town and had not stop for a moment, looked forward to wind down a bit. We waited for muffins to cook!

Mother being a talker, chatted away along with the television. I indulge both until she grabbed my attention with the following conversation.

Mother: I think I need a mate

Me: (With shock on my face!) A what? A mate!?

Mother: Oh no not a man! Like a lady to stay with me, not a man!

Me: Ohhhhhh! (Relieved.) Mother you have a caregiver all the time . They are not here because I am here!

Mother:(Relieved.) oh!!

Muffins, now ready and served her immediately as she smiled.

She ate her muffin as I cleaned the kitchen and my brother prepared to leave with his wife for home. We watched a bit of television and mother got her bath and off to bed she went. She slept all night as I prepared for bed, my sister called and we talked all night long until I went to be, midnight.

In conclusion, my travel and arrival day was a success in every way. I prepared my traveling and arrival and all went off without a hoax. I planned every moment from the arrival in New Orleans to Mississippi, then shopping for food, etc. By the end of the night, I felt so accomplished and this made for a restful night. At the end of the day, love only matters and how you made another feel. Then the next day repeat.

EP McKnight a writer, teacher, stage playwright, fitness coach and constant dreamer. She is a GCU doctorate student in Performance Psychology, Graduate and Undergraduate in Educational Psychology and Communications at Fordham University New York, New York. She’s on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn and you can read more of her on www.epmcknight.com