DELVE: MY HEARTFELT NOTES ON DELVING DEEP AND CLIMBING HIGH

One morning I woke up and decided that I was going to write a book. I had no idea what the book was going to be about, I just decided that I needed to write something. Writing for clients was giving me anxiety, I was so fed up of writing according to a client brief, I just wanted to write from the soul. Yes, writing blog posts and other content for revenue share sites means that you can write without worrying about client briefs however, you still need to think of a topic that is going to be searchable and SEO friendly. Writing a book meant that I could just leave it on my Amazon store and just forget about it. At least, I would feel accomplished, fulfilled and that feeling, that dreaded feeling at the pit of my stomach that I am not living up to my full potential would be gone, for the time being anyway.
I wrote the book in a few days, I included free printable art, my thoughts and feelings and how I managed to go from being homeless to running a 6 figure company in just a few months. I detail it,I let it go, I release it. I have more to say actually, much more. Here is a small snippet of the book that I wrote:
Delve: My Heartfelt Notes on Delving Deep and Climbing High
Speaking from the depths
As I write this, I am sitting on my bed in Ghana. Feeling somewhat lost, but almost found. Over the past few weeks, I have had moments of perceptive clarity. Epiphanic episodes so to speak. I have been writing since I was five, however, speaking my truth has always been a terrifying fear of mine. Something changed last week when I started reading Girl Code by Carla Lewill Lebya. She writes her truth, she speaks candidly about her experiences and boldly encourages you to do what makes your heart sing. If I am to speak from the depths of my heart, I have lived my life in fear, terrified of what the outside world would think of me.
Throughout my life, I have taken leaps of faith and done it anyway although I was trembling inside. As I write this, I shudder to think of what people might say about my complete truth. I have written a lot of fiction over the years, in fact, I am currently in the process of writing a novel. Apart from writing non-fiction lifestyle articles and guides, I am a short story writer. I enjoy writing short, mystery tales.
I decided to write this book because I had this deep burning desire to share my notes. The scribbles that I wrote in my journal over the years. I need to explain, to share, to release.
Here I am typing at 9:30 pm on a Tuesday evening, I still have no idea whether or not I am actually going to release this book, but I have to write it anyway. I am going to tell you how I pulled myself out of the deepest depths of despair to start my first online media business. How I battle daily through crippling depression and anxiety to run my online media company and homeschool my son. How I have managed to push through the pain to find comfort and peace on most days. I am still fighting, but I am winning.
Delve is more than a self-help book, It is my story and hopefully telling my tale can inspire someone to keep on fighting.
Chapter 1
Dad
“If you want to achieve something, fix your eyes on it like a laser beam and go for it with all your strength.” -My dad
I have always been intrigued by my dads love for personal development books. My dad came to the UK from Ghana many years ago to pursue higher education. He managed to get a respectable job as an accountant, and we lived in a beautiful house in Kent for most of our childhood.
He gave me The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale when I was nine years old. I devoured it in the space of a week, I understood the concept of thinking positive and eliminating negative thought at a very early age. I tested the idea of focusing intently on a goal and believing in it wholeheartedly and working on it until you achieve the desired result.
At the end of every month, we had a maths test at school. I hated maths with a passion, I would try to get out of it most of the time by feigning sickness. However, this month, I decided to face my fear and put positive thinking to the test. I revised every evening, I wrote down positive affirmations every day, and I went into the test with a positive mindset. The following week, I received my results, I came top of the class, earning 87%. At the end of the term, my report for maths was “very good” as opposed to “she needs to improve.”
My dad rewarded me with £10, I spent it on an Enid Blyton book and sweets. My father, although our relationship was somewhat awkward, he inspired me to push myself academically and achieve good grades in school. He also taught me to face my fears. I suffered from anxiety, and I often panicked about not living up to my parent’s expectations. My dad pushed me to believe in my own power and create my own reality, but something along the way went wrong. I began to let fear consume me, I went off the rails and started hanging out with the wrong crowd.
I was 13, it was a Friday morning, I got dressed for school, and I walked to the bus stop. However, instead of taking the bus in the direction of my school, I took the bus going in the opposite direction toward my best friend’s house in South East London. We had both decided that we were going to skip school for the day. I arrived at her home at 9 am, we were excited about the day ahead. Our day consisted of drinking cherry brandy, cider, and smoking strawberry flavored cigarettes. The day ended in both of us being rushed to hospital with alcohol poisoning. I woke up in Greenwich hospital with my mum, aunty, and sister staring at me and with bright lights blinding me.
There was no sign of my dad, I was terrified at the thought of him. I knew he would be disappointed in me, I was disappointed in myself. As I walked down the corridor in a drunken stupor, I could faintly hear my mum screaming “I will find a way to bundle you off to Ghana, what kind of nonsense is this?” My sister was laughing, and my aunty was shaking her head in disbelief.
The next day I hid away in my room and cried. My dad entered the room, “come downstairs when you are ready.”
Apprehensive, I reluctantly climbed into the shower and washed off the previous day’s disgrace. I slowly crept down the stairs oblivious to what was ahead of me. I sat down at the dining table. My dad and my uncle sitting at the head of the table like a judge and jury. I felt physically sick. A bottle of Smirnoff vodka on the table, my dad said two words, “drink it.” I burst into tears remembering the taste of the sickly cherry brandy and unbearable stench of cheap cider. I refused to drink it, this was my dad’s way of putting me off alcohol for the rest of my life. His plan failed, my uncle rescued me from my punishment. I was simply told to go back to my room. That was the end of it.
Over the years, I drifted further away from my father, but despite our relationship being strained, I wanted to draw closer to him. As I write this, our relationship is non-existent. I pray that changes. The connection, or lack of connection I had with my dad has affected me deeply, but I do take responsibility for the decisions that I have made in life. I accept my wrongs, and I believe that you can either allow situations to break you, or you can learn from them. I have chosen to learn and grow.
Lessons Learned
My dad planted the seed of positive thinking in my mind from a young age. I have always carried it with me.
Fear and Tremble Days
Spring 1995, physical education, athletics. I loved 100 metres ; however, I was absolutely terrified of the high jump. I would often recite quotes from Norman Vincent Peale’s book to psych myself up for the dreaded full hour of the high jump. I would often forget my sports kit to get out of it, but my teacher would always give me a spare outfit to wear. High jump taught me something about fear.
“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I lived through this horror. I can take the next big thing that comes along.” -Eleanor Roosevelt-
If you push through, ignore your trembling knees and confront the things that terrify you, you will build your confidence, gain strength and become a better version of yourself. After gritting my teeth through hours and hours of high jump, I felt different.
Fear cripples you, stifles you and prevents you from becoming the best version of yourself. I have suffered with severe debilitating anxiety all my life, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of judgment, fear of trying and not following through. I have lived my life in total and utter fear, I am still writing through the fear. My fingers are trembling as I type this but I have no choice. I run a successful copywriting business, I have several other projects on the go, my son is homeschooled, I took the plunge and moved to Ghana despite being terrified to change the status quo, I did it anyway. I challenged myself to live beyond my wildest dreams. However, I am still scared. In this book I am going to outline the exact methods I have used to fight through the fear and take action.
I have affectionately named my most anxious days, tremble days. I wake to the sound of a pounding heart, sweaty palms and trembling hands. I feel agitated, exhausted, anxious and apprehensive about the day ahead. I power through the day by staying in bed for an extra 30 minutes, I gather my thoughts and think about five things that I am grateful for. I simply whisper to myself “It is well.” I begin the day with light stretching and some brisk walking if I have the energy to do so then I drink some power greens. Usually spirulina or wheatgrass in some water or freshly squeezed juice. There is no magic pill out there that will eliminate anxiety overnight however, making small changes daily will provide some short term relief, and overtime anxiety can be completely cured in my opinion.
According to Forbes, “Anxiety is an absolutely necessary emotion. If you don’t think you experience it, you simply don’t understand it.” Apparently, our brains are hard-wired to feel anxiety, and in some cases, performance is enhanced by a slightly anxious feeling. The adrenaline pumping through your veins, the pounding of the heart, the sweaty palms. I believe that this feeling of anxiety can enhance performance when necessary however, on days when I am lying in bed, that feeling can send me into a panicky frenzy. When I am feeling especially anxious these days, I do this:
The 90 Second Trick
I learned about the 90 second trick after listening to a Tony Robbins interview. I decided to give a it a try when I experienced a severe panic attack at a media awards event. Let me give a rundown of how to implement it, but first what is the 90 second trick?
Robbins says that you should tackle the monster while it’s a baby, so instead of waiting until you are having a full on anxiety attack, work on eliminating it before it even gets that far. Feel it for 90 seconds and let it go.
Our Brains Help Us To Survive:
Robbins describes a survival mechanism in our brains that’s always looking for what’s wrong. Your mind will never let you enjoy the taste of an apple because it will go, ‘Is it organic? Where did it come from?’ versus your heart, which can bring the juice of anything back to you. He argues that to rid your mind of anxiety, you need to get in touch with your heart.
- Think of the situation, thing or person that is making you feel anxious. Think about why it is stressing you out and think about it on a scale of 0 to 10. 0 being least stressed and 10 being extremely stressed.
- Place both hands on your chest and breathe in deeply, feel the power and beauty of your breath. As long as your heart is beating there is life, as long as there is life, there is hope.
- Still taking deep breaths, think of three events or things in your life that you are grateful for. Step into the feeling of total and utter gratitude.
The whole point of the 90 second trick is to stop overthinking the problem and start being grateful for life. Sometimes problems are not problems, sometimes they are situations that we have created in our minds. I am guilty of overthinking every aspect of my life to a point where I shut myself away from the outside world because I was scared of living. However, by practicing gratitude daily, I managed to drastically reduce my anxiety. You can do it too !
If you are reading this and still struggling with stifling fear and anxiety, stop a minute. Breathe, write down three things you are grateful for. I am not going to sit here and tell you that being grateful will miraculously cure your anxiety overnight, but it helps, give it a try. One of the most useful books I have read about taking control of your thoughts and emotions is ‘Awaken The Giant Within’ by Tony Robbins. Get it, read it. .
I Interviewed a well known business woman who would like to remain anonymous however, she suffered with severe anxiety and crippling fear too. She found a way to overcome it to become a very successful entrepreneur and innovator in the tech world. She gave me permission to include the interview but for the sake of privacy I will call her “Kate.” Here is the short interview I had with kate. Every time I listen to the interview, it inspires me to push through those tremble days.
Me: Do you still struggle with anxiety from time to time?
Kate: Yes, I do but I refuse to let it beat me. In fact, it is a daily battle. I fight it and about 90 percent of the time, I win.
Me: When did you first start having issues with fear and anxiety?
Kate: It started in primary school, I would wake up in the morning terrified to go to school. I would often pretend to be sick to avoid school. Heart beating rapidly, knees shaking I would enter the school gates petrified to start the day. This is where it all started.
Me: You run a successful business, how did you manage to work through the anxiety to start and build your business to where it is today?
Kate: I pushed through the fear and the pain, I would literally grit my teeth and keep going. Going for a walk often helped to calm me down. I identified my why, so despite my anxiety, I jumped in head first and did it anyway.
Me: Favourite motivational quote?
Kate: “Fear is the disease, hustle is the antidote, whatever it is that you are afraid of, go after it.” Travis Kalanick
Me: What advice would you give to anybody who is trying to build a business or achieve life goals whilst suffering with anxiety?
Kate: You might need to see a therapist, you might not but whatever you decide to do, give thanks, be grateful and think less, do more.
On that note, I will leave it there. To get things done and achieve more, we need to think less and do more. I struggle with this sometimes because of that dreaded word “Fear.” However, these days I am pushing through and I am stepping outside of my comfort zone more, I am thinking less and doing more. Reflection is important though, it is vital for self-growth and progression however, overthinking and focusing on everything that could go wrong instead of believing that things could actually go right will just stifle your dreams and prevent you from stepping out and showing up. Today, make a vow to yourself that you are going to step out and show up.
Read more of my book here>>> Delve: My Heartfelt Notes on Delving Deep and Climbing High
Be Bold. Live More.