Deflating Bumps & Murky Financial Waters
When bills, insensitive hospital systems, and healing gets the best of new moms.
“Did you see the dining room table? Sorry, hi. But did you see it?” I raise a very tired finger, pointing to a mountain of papers while giving my husband a kiss hello.
He was back at work while the baby was in the NICU, waiting to use his two weeks until the baby came home.
“Yeah, the bills keep coming, huh? Gotta go through it soon. Heading to the hospital same time tonight?”, and off he goes into the next room.
Oh, hell no.
“What just happened here? Each paper represents a call, to me. Not to you. You get that, right?
I have been getting calls all week from the hospital, doctors, insurance company, bill collectors… I got a letter from our insurance saying they are not paying for 14 days of the baby’s NICU stay…that’s $30,000…
… and they said he needs at least another week there. I need help.”, my hands start to tremble and tears are hot behind my eyes at this point.
But not as hot as the hole in the back of my head being burned in by my mother-in-law, peeking at me from around the corner of the kitchen.
Smash cut to me in my closet, screaming into a balled up nursing bra as I gather my thoughts so I don’t “accidentally” poison dinner.
My stitches feeling like they’ll pop any second.
To be fair, my husband is a decent guy.
He went to every single doctor’s appointment with me and even attended The Bradley Method Natural Birthing Classes with me.
He coordinated daily trips to breakfast, making sure we spent quality time together and even booked a babymoon. Lots of good things.
But…he’s never been very detail oriented. Little things like remembering to call family, birthdays, house stuff and calendar keeping just whizzes by him.
Normally, we balance each other out and work as a team.
We had a baby. Not just me.
And we would find out the rest of the world definitely did not see it that way.
What a terrific dad — he changed a diaper!
Men can be excellent caregivers, they really want to help.
If you don’t believe me, just read any relationship book or marriage counseling blog — men are problem solvers by nature…and it annoys the hell out of women.
Sometimes you just want to vent and get the “Man, she is a jerk, who would text that?!”
Instead, you get…”What you should do is…” Oh, god.
During labor, one of our lead nurses told my husband what he said doesn’t matter, she was not going to listen to a man during my labor, only me.
He was floored and didn’t know how to react. They had just put my oxygen mask on and things were getting real.
Ok…but we trained as a team for 12 weeks and countless hours. I specifically told the nurse, there will be a point in labor where I will be in so much pain I cannot speak (it’s ok, we knew it going in for a natural, unmedicated birth).
My husband was supposed to be my voice for when I had to focus on not passing out. But no one would listen to him.
Then we heard that again from a NICU doctor later on.
It just got worse from there.
How are we expected to celebrate amazing fathers and dynamic parent teams if caregivers are crammed into stereotypical roles from the jump?
As my bump deflated more and more after labor, it seemed as though “the system” was pressing me for more.
I was contacted almost hourly to set appointments, pay bills, sign for the birth certificate, talk to doctors, deal with family in my room taking phone calls…phone calls!
It definitely gave me an appreciation for what single mothers go through.
I hadn’t even left the hospital yet and I was overwhelmed.
My body was broken, I was chastised endlessly during labor by my doctor who was supposed to champion the process, and I couldn’t move my legs.
At the time all of this was occurring, our son was on his way to intensive care. He’d be there for a total of 28 tear-filled days.
Every week I would call our insurance company since every week I’d receive an insane bill.
Turns out their billing had not caught up to our time there.
“No coverage. $15,000 for this week. Oh wait, that was laaaaast week before we updated the system. You’re good.”
Far from it.
Even if you are in a same-sex relationship — the reality is that the person giving birth is the one tied to the baby in the eyes of your new pediatrician, the hospital, and your insurance.
Add extra pressure if you are dealing with depression and things can go downhill quickly.
Preparing yourself mentally, and financially, while putting a support system in place is key.
You can help yourself get through recovery easier so you can focus on healing your body while building your family with the following steps.
Keeping Your Sanity When It Feels Like The Walls Are Closing In
- Set a budget. Get realistic with where you are at financially, right now.
- Organize your bills using an Office In A Box! (Sometimes people get double billed *gasp* How would you know if you don’t keep track?)
- Treat yourself well. Rest, walk, drink water. Recover. (Moms groups are not for everyone and that’s ok!)
- Talk to a professional. For non-emergency, go here. For crisis, call 1–800–273-TALK (8255)
- Know your rights — whether you are working or not. Pregnancy laws, anti-discrimination, and general family laws will help you but you have to know them first.
Many new moms are so overwhelmed with everything going on that the thought of having to explain they need help, is too much. So they just don’t.
I was fortunate to have a sister-in-law who knew what was up. She was a lifesaver.
But most of my family and friends (who had babies!) were totally oblivious. Grrr…talk about annoying!
If you feel this, you are NORMAL.
It’s called emotional fatigue. While it is very common after giving birth, it needs to be addressed since it can lead to very serious physical or mental health issues.
Many cultures support new moms with a Baby Fund but if you don’t have that level of support you can always talk to your bank about options as a new mom.
Most creditors are willing to work with you too. But you won’t know unless you call. It can be scary but then again so is having a baby.
We had one bill get lost in my paper pile before I got everything under control, for $54…and it went to collections. Are you serious?
The second I found about it, I was on the phone explaining our situation. They cut the bill in half if I could pay on the spot.
Which I did, much to their surprise.
The rewards are well worth the uncomfortable moments but you have to stand up for yourself and your financial future.
Same goes for your credit card, any new baby discounts in annual percentage rates? No?
That’s ok — after you set your budget you won’t need that credit card anyhow.