Definitive Ranking of the March Madness Women’s Tournament
By Mascot
Hey everyone, the NCAA women’s basketball tournament is about to begin and so I decided to rank them the most significant way I know how….which is by mascot.
And with that note, let the arbitrary rankings begin!
- South Carolina Gamecocks — cock fighting is an thing people participate in, I don’t want to mess with an angry chicken. (Also no one wants to mess with the Gamecocks, they are undefeated going into the tournament and are looking to repeat as national champions.
2. Portland Pilots — Their mascot is a river boat pilot named Wally who has been cheering the team since 1935. That’s fantastic.
3. Alabama Crimson Tide represented by Big Al the elephant. When your mascot is a color and a tidal condition, I guess you can pick anything to be your mascot so why not an elephant? Elephants are large and pretty scary.
4. Miami Hurricanes — natural disasters are scary…I don’t want to mess with a hurricane. And now that I’m in my thirties, I don’t want to drink one either.
5. UCLA Bruins — a classic bear. Though I have never seen a bear in California, I still like the mascot.
6. Maryland Terrapins — You have to love a school that clings to a turtle.
7. Sacramento State Hornets — represented by Herky the Hornet and it’s popular cheer is “Stingers Up!” You know what? No one likes a hornet, I would fear this mascot.
8. Notre Dame Fightin Irish Leprechaun — Yes, it is a stereotype but I don’t care. Everyone knows it and it is iconic.
9. UCONN Huskies — Does anyone else picture the area around Storrs, CT to be year-round snow because their mascot is the huskies? Don’t ever count the huskies out. Like their mascot, they are tough.
10. West Virginia Mountaineer — another stereotype but I kind of love it. It really is wild wonderful West Virginia.
11. Toledo Rockets as represented by Rocky. This is the most nerdy mascot I’ve come across but it is also the only one that’s out of this world.
12. Vermont Catamounts which apparently is a type of cat found in the mountains of Vermont. It wins points for representing the regional geographic characteristics. It is also fun to say.
13. Purdue Boilermakers — this one is fascinating. Nearby Wabash college insulted Purdue students with a bunch of names generally referencing their blue collar backgrounds. When Purdue beat Wabash, the newspaper referred to them as “the burly boilermakers” and Purdue decided to take it as their nickname. Way to own it, Purdue.
14. South Dakota State Jackrabbit — they just sound fast and speed isn’t something we have really come across yet with our mascots giving them the edge.
15. Iowa State Cyclones as represented by Cy who looks like a cardinal. The bird, not the Catholic religious figure in case you were wondering. A cyclone does count in the national disaster category but it isn’t as fearsome as the hurricanes of Miami.
16. Southern University v. Sacred Heart — Southern University had a LIVE jaguar on campus as recently as 2004 named Lacumba. I don’t even care what Sacred Heart’s mascot is, I’m not messing with a school that had a live jaguar on campus in the 21st century.
17. North Carolina Tar Heels as represented by Rameses. Deriving from an old fullback for the team who was described as a “battering ram” we get Rameses who is a giant ram sheep. Sheep aren’t scary but I don’t really want to mess with a ram
18. St. Johns Red Storm — a storm is less fearsome than a cyclone or a hurricane in my opinion but a red storm is kind of a terrifying mental image.
19. Texas Longhorns as represented by Bevo — according to my research the various Bevos have gotten into trouble over the years, including charging a SMU cheerleader, attacking a parked car and scattering reporters while trying to get to the UGA Bulldog. The unpredictability of this wily longhorn means he should not be underestimated.
20. Hawaii Warriors as represented by Vili. I appreciate a backstory but what I love more is that Hawaii is also known as the Rainbows.
21. NC State Wolfpack — I like the group mentality like “oh no lone wolf for us, we are the wolfpack.” There is no I in team.
22. Marquette Golden Eagles — I appreciate the specificity because it’s not just the eagles, it’s the golden eagles.
23. Tennessee Tech v. Monmouth — Tennessee Tech Golden Eagles v. Monmouth Hawks. Bird v. Bird. Tennesee Tech gets the edge because it’s mascot is referred to as “Awesome Eagle.”
24. Southern Utah Thunderbirds — no, what is this, no. It is just a bird and they tacked on thunder to it’s name. The only redeeming aspect is that the official name is Thor, which is pretty great.
25. Villanova Wildcats — look the mascot is Will D. Cat. No I’m not happy about it either. It used to be Count Vilan until Villanova realized that wildcats aren’t well suited to being domesticated.
26. Arizona Wildcats — also the wildcats and not going to win points in originality.
27. Oklahoma State Cowboys — eh it’s fine, it gets points because the mascot is known as “Pistol Pete” so that’s delightful.
28. Creighton — represented by Billy the Bluejay. Though I hear bluejays are not the nicest of birds, they are also the type of birds who everyone gathers to look at.
29. Cleveland State Vikings — I have a soft spot for Cleveland, the city that tries so hard. I’m going to give them a mid-ranking though because the Vikings are kind of boring.
30. Norfolk State Spartans — eh, ancient Greek warriors. I mean they were feared but it was also in the 5th century B.C.
31. Oklahoma Sooners — it gets points for originality, it loses some for basically being about cheaters.
32. Michigan Wolverines — I don’t know much about wolverines but the Hugh Jackman character is fearsome so Michigan has that going for it.
33. Washington State Cougars — my favorite part of this is that their mascot is called Butch T. Cougar which I honestly don’t know how to feel about it.
34. LSU Tigers — Do I know if Louisiana has tigers? I do not. But considering it is the first tiger on this list, it wins points. (Never realized how many bird mascots there were until doing this list.)
35. Princeton Tigers — LSU is looking less clever now.
36. Utah Utes as represented by Swoop, a red-tailed hawk. The Utes are a Native American tribe.
37. Gardner-Webb Bulldogs, presently represented by Bo the bulldog. I love that they have a real bulldog.
38. Ole Miss Rebels — they used to be the Mississippi Flood. That would have gotten them a higher ranking.
39. Gonzaga Bulldogs, as represented by Spike — I feel like it’s just adorable that they named it Spike like “awww he’s trying to be big and scary”
40. Louisville Cardinals — actually representing the bird this time as opposed to Stanford but still kind of boring.
41. Drake Bulldogs as represented by Griff II — he is an adorable English bulldog that I would play with all day. ADORABLE.
42. East Carolina Pirates — what is a pirate’s favorite letter? You might think it’s the R but it’s really the CCCCC!
43. Colorado Buffalo as represented by Ralphie — THEY HAVE A LIVE BUFFALO. This is on par with the Southern jaguar.
44. Middle Tenn Blue Raiders — raiders are kind of boring but I like the color specificity.
45. Duke Blue Devil — Why the devil is blue? Why not?
46. Iona Gaels as represented by Killian. Points for creativity for making a random Irish-Gaelic character their mascot.
47. Georgia mascot, as represented by UGA — another live mascot and UGA is a fun name. Bulldogs are cute.
48. Iowa Hawks, as represented by Herky. I wouldn’t think there would be two mascots named Herky but here we are. It’s a wonderful world we live in.
49. Southeastern LA Lions — well we have tigers and bears and now we have lions, oh my!
50. Baylor Bears — they have two live bears (scary), the names of those bears are Joy and Lady (okay, not scary at all.)
41. Virginia Tech Hokies as represented by the HokieBird — points for completely making up a bird. The school was better when they were referred to the Gobblers.
42. Chattanooga Mocs (short for mocassins) as represented by Scrappy. Scrappy looks like a Northern mockingbird which is the state bird of Tennessee.
43. Indiana — actually does not have a mascot. A Hoosier is a “proud member of the IU family.” Well done Indiana for having the me think that the hoosiers were your mascots.
44. Tennessee Volunteers, as represented by Smokey who is an adorable blue coonhound. Big points for being adorable.
45. James Madison Dukes — and we have another bulldog. There a bunch of different dog breeds and so many of these mascots are all bulldogs.
46. Florida Gulf Coast University Eagles — I’m ranking them lower because I’m just jealous that students get to go to school in a beautiful area and the eagles aren’t all that originally.
47. Ohio State Buckeyes, as represented by Brutus. There is a dessert named buckeyes which is chocolate around peanut butter. It is almost as scary as Brutus.
48. South Florida Bulls as represented by Rocky — I’m not too keen on this mascot because it is just like, why? I’ve been to south Florida several times and I have seen no bulls. Alligators, I would understand. A lemon meringue pie, I would get. I’m just having difficulty with the bulls.
49. Saint Louis Billikens — the Billiken is a “mythical good luck figure who represents things as ‘they ought to be.” Too existential for me but I’ve never been to St. Louis, maybe that is the mentality there.
50. Illinois vs. Mississippi State Play In Game — Interesting enough, Illinois does not have a mascot so in an essential forfeit, the English Bulldogs of Mississippi State take this one.
51. Southern California Trojans as represented by Traveler who is a noble white horse. Are there a lot of noble white horses in the area around USC? Not to my knowledge but you do you, Trojans.
52. Florida State — technically does not have a mascot but known s the Seminoles.
53. Stanford — the band has a mascot (the Stanford Tree), the cardinals just refers to the color and the university doesn’t have an official mascot. Kinda lame, you are a smart school Stanford, you can come up with something.
54. Holy Cross Crusaders — interesting choice for a Catholic school. Like heyy remember when we invaded lands to try to spread Catholicism? Let’s pick that as our mascot.
55. UNLV Rebels — Okay it used to have a mascot “Hey, Reb” who may or may not have resembled a Confederate soldier but he has been retired. As of now, it has no official mascot.
So there you have it folks: the highly scientific ranking of the women’s NCAA basketball tourney teams. Happy March Madness everyone.
