December Looks to be an Exciting Month and This Seventyish Woman is Stuck in Baker’s Purgatory

I’m just looking for the right thing to do.

I personally have a lot going on this month — selling my mother’s house, our granddaughter visiting from Ireland, writing and parties and workshops. But regardless of this year’s unusual goings-on, in December I usually find that I am too busy. I hear myself saying with others — How did the holidays just creep up on me? Why am I so busy right now? I suppose that some of it are the result of self-imposed tasks that create the feeling of being overwhelmed. Deadlines for doing things that I’ve created, expectations of gifts for so many people that I’ve decided to give, so many events I’ve agreed to attend or participate in. All my own doing.

Notice the use of the passive verb

Like this year I’ve got myself signed up to make little boxes of cookies to give out. No one told me I had to do this. Earlier in the fall while I was thinking about Christmas, I remembered the looks on the faces of some of the people I handed boxes of cookies. How happy I was loading the car with little white boxes gaily decorated. How the postmistress talked about it months later. It was a good memory and I decided I would do it again and ordered 40 little white boxes and red tissue paper so I’d be prepared. Back in October I made a plan for shopping and baking in December, and here I am, facing several days of cookie baking in the coming weeks. Adding to my already full schedule. Can’t blame anyone else.

The expectations of others

Granted, my husband has expectations of me. There are several people to whom he wants to give cookies — the auto parts man, who helped him put his headlight in the truck yesterday: I’ve got to give him double the cookies this year. He didn’t have to do that. Or the old friends from jobs where he used to work. Or the young man who is such a hard worker and needs cheering. Or the fellow who helps him unload the truck full of oysters in Portland and has to work three jobs to support his family (could you make him a loaf of bread again?) Then, today he asked me if I was making a lobster pie for Christmas Eve. And when I’m in a good mood I say sure. When I’m not I may turn and attack him for asking for one more thing. I guess I should calmly say, “No thank you, but I’ll show you the recipe.” Sometimes I am that self-possessed.

Other times I feel put upon and can be quite bitchy about it. But people including my husband, have come to expect it of me, so I expect it of me. Then I can get all passive-aggressive and complain about my lot in life. It’s really kind of funny. I wish I could either say yes and enjoy the whole thing, or say no and not feel guilty. I hate being stuck in baker’s purgatory.

I have always loved baking and cooking, especially for the holidays. Christmas is my favorite holiday and it comes every year and I feel this way every year. It is fun for me to plan something, not always as much fun to execute. My solution this year, is to plan ahead, be organized. On the prescribed day, I will put on the red apron, Christmas music, and orange and peppermint scented aromatherapy candle and get to work. If all goes well, I will get into the spirit of giving again, and it will be fun.

Cajoling works pretty well

You may have noticed that I do a lot of cajoling of myself. Cajole is a great word, isn’t it? Persuade someone to do something by sustained coaxing or flattery (Oxford Languages). Come on, Jeanie, you can do this. You did it last year and really enjoyed the results. You will have fun once you get started, etc.

I think I do it because after all these seventy-two years I understand myself and I feel for myself. I know both sides of me, the bitchy and the sentimental. The people pleaser and the assertive modern woman. I suppose I am aiming for the right thing to do while also trying to placate my inner mother and my inner bitch. It’s very complex. Sometimes I wonder if men go through these kinds of struggles. Maybe some do, in fact, if any of you are reading this and have an idea about it, do let me know. Anyway, I’ll plan to make the cookies and hope to feel good about it in the end.

Despite the fact that they will be loaded with sugar and butter and white flour. And the assortment will probably include a big chunk of that chocolate walnut fudge that people go crazy about.

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