Deathbed Epiphany

Thirty years of forgiving others was not enough

There were bleeps and blurps and blips; the sound of all the equipment in the room. There was the sound of the back and forth respirator. There was the subdued sound of voices outside of the room. There was the sound of very quiet footsteps. Occasional whispers. There was the feeling of frenzied agitation.

With his eyes closed, Ronald could see shadows pass over his eyelids as the activity intensified. What was happening?

It was not easy but he slowly managed to open his eyes. He was greeted by a scene of hurried doctors and nurses who were all scrambling around his bed poking needles into him, taking his blood pressure, his temperature, and taking numerous other tests. There were doctors and nurses staring at the computer monitors and the data and moving lines on them. There were nurses frantically moving equipment into place. There were orders being called out by one of the doctors. Everyone was moving quickly.

Ronald could see it happening but he could not feel his body. He could not feel the needles poking into him. He could not feel the tests being conducted on him. There was no bodily sensation at all. It was as though he had already left his body except that he was still looking out of his eyes.

Then his eyelids got too heavy to keep open. They slid down in what Ronald was now certain was a final closing of the curtain.

In the six weeks that Ronald had been in the hospital, in and out of consciousness, he had reviewed every major event in his life. He had replayed every one of those events and he had forgiven everyone that had done him wrong. Going all the way back to childhood, he forgave everyone.

And countless times in that final hospital stay his mind had gone back and replayed that short scene at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. It was the very last time he ever saw HER.

She was about to board a plane for the West Coast and he had come to the airport to say good-bye. She had already left him and she was already with her new love with whom she was leaving. They were already divorced and they had already seemingly moved on. The good-bye was a formality. It was the final nail in the coffin of their thirty-year marriage. There was no going back once she boarded her flight.

In his hospital dreams Ronald remembered and re-felt that final hug. He could feel himself hugging her as though it were yesterday. He could feel himself hugging her and holding her as tightly to his body as he could. He had hugged her countless thousands of time but with that final hug he could feel the totality of her being. He was not just hugging her body but her soul. And he was holding on for dear life.

But then the embrace ended and Ronald watched her turn and walk away to board her flight. Never in his life had he felt so utterly drained of life. Never had he felt so thoroughly broken and incomplete. Never had he felt so shattered. Never in his life had anything been more complete and final. He never saw her again.

It took Ronald over twenty years after that final encounter at the airport to finally, finally forgive her. It was the hardest thing he ever had to do in his entire lifetime. He thought it was surely impossible but he was finally able to do it and move on with his life. During the final ten years of his life he became happier than he had ever been — except, of course, for those early years of his marriage to HER. It took decades for his life to turn around.

But sadly, the cancer in him kept growing.

As he could hear and feel the activity and anxiety around his hospital bed increase, he no longer had the strength to open his eyes and witness it. Instead, he could feel a peace begin to envelope him. But the peace was incomplete.

As Ronald suddenly realized that he was in the last moments of his life, he felt the peace of having forgiven everyone in his life but now he abruptly wondered…

… if there was enough time left to forgive himself.

Copyright by White Feather. All Rights Reserved. This is a work of fiction.