Death Of The Stay-At-Home Mom
When did my job become taboo?
I want to say I’m proud to be a stay-at-home mom.
But… I’m not sure that I am.
I’m not sure that the world wants me to be.
Sure, my husband is proud of me and the kids appreciate the constant cooking and cleaning I do to keep them alive and not covered under a pile of their clean and ‘not so clean’ laundry. I think.
But the truth is — when people ask me what I do, I often look down before answering.
It’s not intentional, but I do.
The question “So, what do you do?” terrifies me.
The fear of judgment I feel can be likened to a recently paroled person during a job interview. My apprehension to answering a simple question often sends me into fight or flight mode.
After I tell them, will they like me, hate me, still respect me?
So, as the story goes, I put on a bright, bubbly smile and roll my shoulders back to look a little taller while answering and say, “I’m a stay-at-home mom.” Chin up as mother always said. These rituals — now clear to me after a decade, serve as my emotional armor, shielding me against the stereotypes and ache for acceptance that accompanies my role of being a stay-at-home mom. Coping mechanisms for stupid questions like, “What do you do all day?”
The Lonely Truth
I always wanted to be a mom. And I always wanted to stay at home with the kids. My husband and I discussed this before we got married, so he knew how I felt. Over the years we’ve made A LOT of sacrifices (and still are) for me to be here when the kids get home.
The truth is: It’s very lonely to be a SAHM.
I see friends’ posts on vacations, promotions, accomplishments, you know, — all the things you get to have with a “real” job. Sometimes the envy is choking. But then I remember, I get to stay home with my kids. I comforted them when they cried, saw their first steps, and I now get a full 14 holiday days to listen to them make animal sounds and whine that they are starving every 30 minutes, all while keeping them from breaking any limbs until Christmas break is over.
Yes, lucky me.😊
The Friendly Truth
Most of my friends are professionals. I’m talking robotic surgeons, lawyers, professors at prestigious universities, accountants, mayor’s wives- running the city behind the scenes, teachers, principals, project managers, nurses, engineers, and business women — just to name a few. I even have that friend akin to Chandler Bing, whose job title remains an enigma, leaving me wondering, much like the characters in ‘Friends’, what exactly do you do from 9 to 5?
And then there’s me — the stay-at-home mom.
I know you’re not supposed to compare yourself to others. But let’s be real. We all do it. Especially with the rise of visibility on social media. Yet, the genuine joy of comforting my kids and experiencing their milestones compensates for the solitude and envy I often feel. Now, living in Puerto Rico, I find comfort and pride in a different title, Ama de Casa, in the rich embrace of Spanish culture.
The Truth About Pen Names
On all the kids’ forms — dentist, doctor, school — I’m the one filling them out. I’m okay with that, no qualms there. But in the past, living in the States, whenever I had to fill in the job title field, I left it blank. Why? Because when I considered saying, “I’m a stay-at-home Mom,” the first feeling that hit me was shame. Immediately followed by, “That’s sad, Tanya. You should be proud that you can stay home with the kids.”
Usually, the thoughts stop there — because I know the snowball effect that will ensue. I hope that all SAHMs will learn to recognize the triggers and control snowballing emotions that are harmful to their self-worth.
The good news for me, in Spanish, my job sounds nicer. Here, in Puerto Rico, it stings less. In Spanish culture, I’m called “Ama de Casa.”
“Ama” comes from the root word Amor, which means to love.
So in my (English first, Spanish second) mind, I feel like it means the love of the house. The one who keeps it together, running, and fills it with love. Now you’re talking my language. And now I can keep my dignity.
SAHM Truth
What the acronym means to me.
Selfless
Attentive
Hardworking
Maternal
Culture tells us to work hard, get paid like men, and fight to break traditional gender roles.
But As I reflect on my journey of being a stay-at-home mom, I find myself at this crossroads of societal perception and personal fulfillment. The need to fit into society and find solace in my title has become harder and harder to navigate. The constant pressure to conform to societal expectations, coupled with the internal struggle to maintain a sense of self-worth, makes the journey feel like a game of tug-of-war.
So to be happier and saner, I’ve come to redefine what being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) means to me. It’s become a testament to the values I uphold. Selfless in dedicating time to nurture, attentive to every need that arises, tirelessly hardworking in maintaining the household, and inherently maternal in embracing the role with love.
In a world striving for gender equality and urging women to break barriers, I find myself wondering why the embrace of being a stay-at-home mom often seems excluded from this narrative.
A woman’s personal aspirations should encompass the freedom to choose the path that fulfills one’s soul, be it in the boardroom or at home nurturing a family. So, while the world debates the ‘death of the stay-at-home mom,’ I’ll ask you this:
In a world where women can be anything, why can’t we be stay-at-home moms?
Hi! I’m Tanya, a passionate mother & skincare enthusiast. I write about skincare, parenting, & living a radiant life. If you enjoy reading my content, be sure to follow and subscribe to Talking with Tan to never miss a story.