Death, Debt, and Dreams

Midlife mathematics = a leap of faith

My 47th birthday is next month. It marks the transition from mid-40s to late-40s. This doesn’t much bother me. It’s just further evidence of how life rolls on without our permission. I’m grateful for each trip around the sun.

My husband and I are still parenting a 9-year-old and 14-year-old, having already raised one child to adulthood. She’s married and just bought her first home — all settled into adult life. But I’ve still got “miles to go before I sleep” as Robert Frost put it.

At least I hope so.

This year, a close friend died at age 51. She was diagnosed with cancer in January and died in late March. I was devastated. I was also paralyzed by the unflinching nature of life’s unpredictability. A beautifully vibrant woman was gone in two months’ time — an inconceivable thing.

Her proximity to my own age served as a jarring reminder that life is fleeting. Too close for comfort. It got me thinking about living life to the full instead of yearning for far off somedays that may or may not come. Something unfamiliar rose to the surface and demanded action.

My friend’s passing, plus the havok wreaked by COVID, plus a long-held dream converged. This equation was strange arithmetic. Added and multiplied, these things willed me to face my own mortality, the short time I have left raising my children, and the danger of deferred dreams.

The solution seemed obvious — it was time to step out and do something new.

Our new thing will be purchasing a truck and travel trailer in a few months. We have zero experience with either but know it is the right choice for us. I know — a less glamorous midlife crisis purchase than a sports car. But not really. It’s more than that.

It’s a midlife renaissance.

For nearly twenty years, my husband and I have dreamed of purchasing an RV and taking our kids across the country. Life, work, debt — all of it stood in the way, delaying our action. Before we knew it, one had already grown up. How did two decades of dreaming slip by unfulfilled?

This year’s trials have put things into sharp relief for me. I believe these hard times hold value. They’re never wasted if we are willing to learn from them. Sometimes we need to take a step of faith, hoping like crazy the boards appear under our feet.

It’s not really about the RV per se. It’s about making memories and squeezing the goodness out of time with those I love. Adventuring and experiencing new things with my family is important to me. I want to watch their faces when they see mountains and deserts and the Pacific Ocean. These moments will become priceless treasures.

Soon we’ll sign on the dotted line. We view the expenditure as an investment in the future, not as a burden of debt. We’ll shop wisely and spend well so we can experience the joy of dreams transitioning to reality. After years of summer work in addition to teaching, we will be unfettered by part-time jobs.

Our hope is to spend two months this summer on a coast-to-coast adventure. It will be the fruit of years of paying off bills, dreaming, and preparing. The difficulties of 2020 have accelerated our timeline. As painful as this year has been, it is about to produce something new and wonderful for our family.

Midlife renaissance, here we come.

Thank you for reading! I’m Tracy Gerhardt-Cooper, and I invite you to follow me on Medium if you’d like to read more of my work. Join my email community to receive encouragement for life and writing. Please visit my author website at www.tracygcooper.com for free writing resources and to learn more about me.