Dear White Women: Now That We Have Your Attention, May I Have a Word? (Part Three)
Five more thoughts from the heart of a Black Woman.
Let me start this by saying it has been quite an interesting journey getting to know some of you who are reading this series.
I’ve enjoyed comments from those who have taken an active interest to not only help combat systemic racism but to specifically understand the journey of a Black woman in this country.
To be fair, I’ve even enjoyed the criticism.
(Okay, maybe enjoyed is too strong a word.)
I’ve appreciated the criticism.
(That’s better.)
It’s introduced me to many different points of view and reminded me of something my father often told me while I was growing up, “It takes all kinds to make a world.”
Naturally, the responses haven’t all been sunshine and roses. Some have been so defensive and angry I had to go back and look at my own articles and ask myself, which part caused that kind of reaction?
It is difficult confronting things that aren’t just “sugar, spice, and everything nice.” My experience with White women during my lifetime is the majority are often uplifted, protected (by men and women of all backgrounds), regarded as the universal standard beauty, and the masters of producing teardrops that can literally stop the world.
I get that this won’t always be fun. One reader punctuated that point when she bluntly declared: “I get so TURNED OFF anytime I see an article that reads, ‘Dear White Women.’ You need allies, not shame-filled White women.” But in the next breath she went on to add, “I agree many white women are racist or at the very least unaware of the privilege of their whiteness but that privilege comes from the system.”
So…I’m shaming her but…she acknowledged without coercion that many White women are indeed racist and unaware of the privilege their whiteness and the American system affords them?
Okay…
It seems that most White women do understand their position of privilege in this country, however, hearing it proclaimed by a Black woman appears to be somewhat of a problem. I can’t change the color of my skin to accommodate you (nor do I have any desire to do so) but what I can do is this:
I can continue to help break down these walls between us. I can keep dispelling ridiculous stereotypes about Black women. I can also help White women understand why their honest, ongoing participation in restructuring the racist system in this country will not take anything away from them. Instead, it will serve to help free Black women from the position of “least deserving” in this society. I speak to White women because women of all ethnicities have a connection. We should be able to see ourselves in each other if we disable our defenses, check our preconceived notions at the door, and work together to embrace this moment of change.
WARNING: As always, some of my thoughts may be slightly triggering, but you have my word as a woman they are not meant to be harmful. I’m here to enlighten, not offend.
Are we ready to get this party started? Good! Let’s get into it!
Thought #1: Please do not overshadow the Black Lives Matter movement by infusing your feelings into the mix. (Comforting you will take time and energy away from the fight for equality.)
I see it more and more as time goes on. When the nationwide “race talk” initially started a few months ago, there was a lot of gasping, clutching of the pearls, and outrage for what Black people have endured in this country. Most anti-racist White women seemed genuinely appalled by the blatant discrimination and inequity practiced in a country that so many claim to be the “the best in the world.”
When it became apparent that Black women weren’t speaking out just for a moment but planned to stick around and talk about EVERYTHING that had been eating away at our souls instead of continuing to suffer in silence, some White women began to get uncomfortable with this new reality.
Fatigue began to set in. The looks on your faces told the story:
“How long are we going to have to talk about racism? I mean, I’m OVER it already!”
“Okay, we get it. Life is unfair for Black people. But I’m one person…what am I supposed to do about it?”
“I’m tired of being made to feel guilty just because I was born as a White woman! I didn’t create racism!”
Instead of focusing on how to use the tools you were born with (your Whiteness and gender) to help eradicate a racist system designed to only benefit you and your families, the topic has often turned to how difficult it has been for you to get involved because “Black people are making it hard.”
Black people are making it hard…
Are these the same black people that have been oppressed, killed unjustly in the streets, passed over for jobs that were given to you, excluded from places and organizations that welcomed you, and left us to fend for ourselves while armies rushed to your side to ensure that your teardrops are caught before they hit the floor?
Not sure how we could be making it hard for you at this juncture, but let me say this. Why not put aside your personal feelings and instead focus on the feelings of others? Understand that a Black woman in this country has spent the majority of her life doing just that. If this is hard for you for a moment in time, imagine doing it for a LIFETIME.
When you choose to focus on your feelings and the conversations turn to sympathy for your struggle to be helpful in this movement, the much-needed attention to securing liberation for Black people is regulated to the back seat per usual. We need to be in the FRONT SEAT this time. We are fighting for our lives and those of our children and future generations. There is a small window of opportunity while we have everyone’s attention and if you really do want to help, we need to stick to the subject at hand so that our combined efforts can effect positive change.
Thought #2: Try exposing your children to Black people on a regular basis to help them understand we are human beings. (This is the first and most important step to breaking the generational curse of racism.)
No one is born racist. There isn’t a racist gene that is passed down through families. What is passed down are thoughts, prejudices, and feelings of supremacy towards other ethnicities. Racism would cease to exist for future generations if White parents would simply stop teaching their children to practice it.
If you consider yourself to be an anti-racist woman, embracing the label is fine but to be effective it has to be backed up by action. And it starts with you.
As women, we are the first teachers of our children. Long before they enter classrooms, they have been indoctrinated by our beliefs, whether good or bad. They look to us to be the bearers of truth and wisdom during those formative years and to them, what we say is golden. So if we teach them hate, they will believe hate is the way. If we teach them they are better than others because of the skin they were born in, that is how they will treat those they meet in the world. If we teach them that those who don’t look like them are dangerous, less intelligent, and not worthy to be considered as human beings, they will adopt that way of thinking and will one day teach that same ideology to their own children.
But you hold all the power. You can break this vicious cycle.
You can choose to teach your children that all people in this world are worthy of love, justice, equality, and the ability to pursue their own versions of happiness. You can show them with your actions by engaging with people outside your inner circle and including them in these interactions. You can let them see you use your voice for positive change and allow them to be a part of the process. This helps them learn they also have a voice to use for good as opposed to creating more division.
Thought #3: Don’t always assume Black women are the hired help wherever you go. (This is so bad, I have to make sure I NEVER wear khakis and a red shirt to Target!)
Countless times White women have approached me in stores asking where is the shoe department, or how much is this shirt, or do I have any more stock in the back. Each time I’ve given them a blank stare with a “Lady, how the heck should I know?” look on my face.
It’s happened too many times to be considered a one-off. I’ve come to the conclusion that some White women are conditioned to believe Black women are incarnates of Viola Davis’ character in The Help. But contrary to popular belief, all of us do not hold jobs in the service industry. And guess what? We shop just like you do!
We actually go to stores to buy groceries, get new clothes and shoes, buy home furnishings, work-out gear, cosmetics, hair-care products, and the list goes on. While TV shows often portray us as the help, in real life we are much more diverse and have careers that cover the entire spectrum of industries.
So next time you’re in a store and feel inclined to seek assistance from the nearest Black woman, it might be a good idea to look for a name tag before assuming she works there.
Thought #4: Your Black co-workers haven’t “gotten past” dealing with racism. (Just because the corporate “chats” about the country’s racial climate have ended, we are still Black in America.)
George Floyd’s murder received national attention because the majority of Americans were in some sort of quarantine and plugged into the news when it happened. But those of us in the Black community know these occurrences are unfortunately commonplace. Just because the rest of the country was confronted with a vision of the police brutality they didn’t believe existed, we have been aware of this from Day 1.
The inequity and abuse inflicted on Black people doesn’t go away or “turn off” when it’s no longer a headline. Even in the wake of the recent horrific and publicized murders at the hands of police, new videos of law enforcement using unjustified excessive force and harassing Black people are constantly circulated on the internet. As Black women, it’s hard to go through our workdays as if everything is okay because seeing a new video evokes the same piercing pain all over again.
While you as White women have the ability to detach from injustice, our skin tone and long memories do not afford us that same luxury.
I say this as a reminder and request to show your Black co-workers some basic compassion. You got a little taste of how it feels to confront racism head-on; now try remembering this is a daily situation for Black women. We may not always be as excited as you are about the trip you and your husband took as soon as we get to work. We may not be in the right mindset to see pictures of your boat or to hear the biggest obstacle you are currently facing is whether or not you’ll be able to renovate your kitchen. It may be too triggering to discuss the new family members you found on Ancestry.com as this is a particularly sensitive topic for Black people. Our history, records, and exact origin were stripped from us when our ancestors were kidnapped and forced to come to this country, so your excitement for your own family is often a reminder of what is forever lost to ours.
If you start out your interaction with us by simply saying, “how are you today?” instead of just launching into a blow-by-blow of your latest adventure, you give us the opportunity to let you know if we are mentally and emotionally able to engage with you. Watching people who look like you and your family members being murdered, shot, or brutalized regularly on television is TRAUMATIC. It is not something we can easily detach ourselves from and it carries over into our lives. We know this is something you will never fully understand, but simple consideration for someone else’s situation goes a long way.
Thought #5: If you still support Trump, you are NOT anti-racist. (This isn’t even up for discussion. It’s just a fact. Point blank. Period. HARD STOP.)
I am not here to get into your political business.
Well, in a way I am, but not the way you think.
I’m not trying to tell you who to vote for, I’m simply suggesting what a vote for Trump implies regarding your thoughts about Black people.
Based on his consistent lack of regard for not just Black people but all people of color, looking the other way when he makes vicious and derogatory remarks against these groups is exactly the same as being racist. If you don’t denounce it, you are complicit.
Here are just a few statements that came out of his own mouth:
“Why don’t they go back and help fix the totally broken and crime-infested places from which they came.” — Donald Trump speaking of four Congresswomen of color.
“Laziness is a trait in Blacks.” — Donald Trump speaking to John O’Donnell, former president of Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino.
“By the way, it’s a disease, without question, that has more names than any disease in history. I can name kung flu, I can name 19 different versions of names.” — Donald Trump speaking about the COVID-19 at a political rally.
“He doesn’t have a birth certificate.” — Donald Trump promoting his “birtherism” theory about the 44th President of the United States, President Barack Obama.
“But that’s very serious, they’re saying that she doesn’t qualify because she wasn’t born in this country.” — Donald Trump restarting his birtherism theory on the current candidate for Vice President of the United States, Senator Kamala Harris.
There are obscene amounts of documented racist comments from Donald Trump that are readily available to anyone with a phone or laptop. He has made it crystal clear where he stands on race relations and that he is not concerned about the safety and well-being of people of color. His completely ridiculous claim that he has “done more for Black people” than any other president is laughable on a million different levels. As Kanye West stated years ago about another president, “Donald Trump doesn’t care about Black people.”
It is impossible to support this man — even if you may claim it’s in policy only — without appearing to co-sign on his racist behavior. Some may believe it’s possible to cherry-pick what you choose to see about Trump, but that’s not an accurate depiction of who he is as a whole person. His entire character and belief system must be examined and held up to the light, no matter if it makes you uncomfortable because in doing so, you find his beliefs on racism actually align with a lot of yours.
Racism doesn’t exist in grey areas. Either you are, or you aren’t. It’s that simple. If someone makes racist statements or engages in racist activity, there aren’t varying degrees of these offenses. They all carry the same weight and are equally repugnant and degrading.
Donald Trump has drawn his definitive line in the sand and even Stevie Wonder can see which side he’s chosen. He is all about protecting YOU and preserving the safety of the suburbs (as if Black people don’t also live in the suburbs, but I digress). His reference to the “suburban housewife” was not meant to include Black women and as adults, we should all understand this. He’s speaking directly to YOU, playing on any fears you may have about Black people who live in low-income housing.
Your voice is an important one in this election. Trump is spending millions of dollars on ads specifically tailored to you but has yet to mention Black women other than when he’s disrespecting us.
This is a free country and no one has the right to suggest who should receive your support or vote. This is not what I’m trying to do. I’m just respectfully pointing out that based on Trump’s history of racism and promoting divisiveness, the assumption that a woman who supports him may not consider equality for Black women (and Black people in general) as an important issue wouldn’t be that far of a stretch.
Thank you for listening.