Dear White Women: Now That We Have Your Attention, May I Have a Word? (Part Four)

Five more thoughts from the heart of a Black woman

It’s been a little while since we’ve chatted, but I thought now would be a good time as we await the results of this important election.

If you are one of the “suburban women” that Trump promised to protect from the “big bad Black people” who are coming to your neighborhoods in droves to pillage your homes, this one’s for you.

If you are one of the women who believe Black people are wrong or misguided for their distrust of law enforcement, this one’s for you.

If you are one of the women who haven’t thought much about the racial tension in this country because “you don’t know many Black people anyway,” this one’s for you.

If you are one of the women who know you have nothing to fear no matter who is in the White House because you’ll be protected and taken care of regardless, this one’s for you.

WARNING: As always, some of my thoughts may be slightly triggering, but you have my word as a woman they are not meant to be harmful. I’m here to enlighten, not offend.

Are we ready to get started? Good! Let’s get into it.

Thought #1: When Black women remind you about your privilege, this isn’t an “eye-roll” moment. It is a call to action. (At this point, we feel you should no longer be confused about your privilege and how you should be using it.)

I’ve seen and heard White women express disgust and impatience when they are told to “check their privilege.” I can almost hear the “enough already!” comments whenever this subject comes up. But if you take a moment to look past your own disgust, you will see that this keeps coming up because not enough of you are using it to create positive change in this country.

You already know you have a voice that makes people listen. You already know your tears have the power to stop a Mack truck in its tracks. And you already know that men from all walks of life will drop whatever they are doing and come rescue you if they believe you are in distress. In short, there is no way you could not be aware of your power and privilege in this country and indeed around the world.

But to whom much is given, much will be required. And yes, this includes YOU.

I’ve found that while all White women are born into privilege, most feel that only those who wish to identify themselves as allies are the ones who should use it to help achieve equality for ALL in this country. Not true. ALL OF YOU need to do your part to help in whatever way you can. Everyone will not be able to march, or speak, or even write about how to assist in the liberation of Black people. But ALL OF YOU have familial, professional, and personal connections with other White people that will listen to you when you speak and will get on board with whatever cause you decide to support.

That’s what privilege does. It works even if you don’t. It makes people go along with whatever you decide to engage in, simply because it’s YOU doing the engaging. Don’t get caught up in the “I’m just one woman I can’t do everything” mentality. Instead, embrace the concept that by just living your life and incorporating conversations or activities that may help your family and friends begin to see Black people as HUMAN BEINGS, you too can use your privilege for good.

Thought #2: This is more than just a “nail-biting election” for Black women. (We aren’t sitting by our televisions munching on popcorn; we are waiting to confirm the stance we need to assume to keep our families safe.)

For White women, elections are a chance to vote someone into office who will continue to uphold the liberties you have grown accustomed to in “the land of the free.” It’s another opportunity for you to make sure the elected officials in your counties and states put your needs at the forefront of their agendas to serve you, your spouses, and your children. White women have the luxury of actually benefiting from elections because no matter who is in office, your rights and access to justice will remain unscathed.

This concept remains foreign to Black women.

When it’s time to elect a new president, governor, congressperson, etc., we have different concerns that generally extend to maintaining the personal safety of our loved ones. We have to carefully research each candidate and their history to confirm if they are racist, if they support rouge policemen, determine their views on equal educational opportunities regardless of a child’s ethnic group or zip code, how they feel about discrimination, if they are willing to denounce White supremacy, if they are comfortable making racial slurs openly in public, if they encourage violence in our communities without batting an eye, and a slew of other grave concerns.

In short, elections aren’t just for us to make sure we continue to have the right to bear arms or to protect our children’s rights to a “patriotic education.” Our main focus is supporting candidates who at least appear to see Black people as human beings and are least likely to take our lives or traces of freedom that our ancestors fought and died for. It’s not simply a battle against the blue side or the red side – it is a fight for survival.

Your vote carries weight. The current president based a great deal of his campaign around protecting you and making sure you feel safe. America will always be concerned with the White woman’s opinion and who she supports. If you would all begin to view elections as an opportunity to create universal equality, IMAGINE how things would begin to change.

Instead of just voting for the hell of it and keeping your concerns only on the world outside your window, why not expand your vision to using your much-respected voice evoke a change that might actually benefit someone who is disenfranchised and oppressed. I grew up in a predominantly White neighborhood. I’ve seen first hand what happens when White women come together to get someone they want into office. They are persuasive, tenacious, and highly effective. They also have the ears of White men who notoriously hold positions of power.

Just because we are at the tail end of this election cycle, it’s never too late for you to get involved and hold whoever is in office accountable to protect the lives and rights of ALL AMERICANS. Talk about a feel-good story. Imagine if you did something to help Black women and created a change you could actually see. Isn’t that what being an American is all about anyway?

Thought #3 — Black women are beyond traumatized in this country. Please refrain from discussing this election with us as if it were a tennis match. (Systemic racism is never on the ballot so each election cycle causes a new round of anxiety)

Black women have had to be strong since the beginning of time. We. Are. Tired. We are tired of having to smile through pain and fear. We are tired of pretending that elected officials actually care about our bottom lines. We are tired of waiting for the chance to see if our lives will be regarded as deserving as much protection as White women. We are tired of this world not acknowledging the weight on our shoulders and skipping over our trauma to wipe up White women's tears.

An election brings more trauma because it’s a stark reminder that even though we are citizens of this country by birth, we have never been treated as such. Many Black women view elections as merely something for show because we have yet to see how they benefit our lives. Although I did see a difference in my immediate bottom line under President Obama’s administration and personally appreciate and respect him as a man, there are still many Black people who do not believe in elections and voting because they do not create change in the areas we need it the most: combating racism, achieving 100% equality and autonomy over our lives, and policing without fear of being murdered, to name a few.

When and if you discuss politics with a Black woman, be mindful that the outcome of an election does not resonate with her in the same way it resonates with you. If your choice of candidate wins, you can genuinely rejoice because you instantly know your agendas will take the forefront. For Black women, it’s often the lesser of two evils and even if we get the lesser, we must remain vigilant for the entire term to keep our children and families safe.

Thought #4 — A Black woman’s opinion about this country is only highlighted when our vote is needed. And yes, we know this. (While the rest of the world is continuously concerned with what you think, we are only consulted when we have something that will benefit others)

We see it in every election cycle. Who can get the “Black vote” and who are “Black women likely to vote for.” Sleazy politicians circle us like vultures to take from us, use us for their gain, and then cast us aside once they have achieved victory. Sound familiar? I’ll say it again…BLACK. WOMEN. ARE. TIRED. We have been used since the beginning of time by this country who could care less about our safety and individual pursuits of happiness and prosperity. We are not ignorant; we know this pathetic game that is dragged out every time White America needs something that only we have. But the days of us giving and not receiving are effectively OVER.

This is why we cannot discuss elections with you in the way you want us to. They simply don’t mean the same thing to us which should be a signal to you (if you haven’t allowed yourself to read the full memo yet) that BLACK LIVES DO NOT MATTER TO ALL PEOPLE. This is why ALL LIVES MATTER continues to be so offensive. It insults our intelligence as Black women. You can’t keep turning your head away from what is standing in front of you and wondering why Black women keep talking about racism and oppression. What is the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing and expecting a different result. You already KNOW the power and privilege you have in this country and it is past time that you used it for something other than yourselves.

Since we already know politicians will only seek our voices when they need something, you have the opportunity to help ensure the concerns for ALL women remain on the agenda even after the votes are cast. For those of you who are truly looking for ways to make a difference, simply take the time to research what issues are important to Black women and make them a part of your to-do list. Just as a person in another country who doesn’t speak the language is aided by someone who does, you who were born with the ability to push your needs to the top of everyone’s list have the capacity to make sure the needs of all women of color are heard. And again, do not go back to the “I’m only one woman, what can I do” thought process. I’m not asking one woman to do it all — I’m suggesting that if EACH ONE does ONE THING, this is how CHANGE BEGINS.

Thought #5 — Respect goes a long way. Sometimes just being quiet and taking in a Black woman’s thoughts is all that’s required. Everything is not meant to be a debate. (Jumping to a defensive stance is not the way to create a positive shift in this relationship.)

From this election to any topic a Black woman brings up about racism, I’ve seen what happens when White women feel triggered by our thoughts. It turns into long, drawn-out responses supporting their beliefs, their thoughts, and their issues while single-handedly sweeping the original thoughts from Black women under the rug.

Once again. WE. ARE. TIRED. OF. THIS. Just stop it.

Conversations are a two-way street. The objective of engaging with someone who is expressing their opinion is to address what is being said, not what YOU think should have been said. Dismissing the topic at hand and redirecting the conversation to discuss the issues you have with someone’s opinion is the definition of counterproductive.

When we as Black women express ourselves, we are giving you insight into the minds of women who know more about oppression than you do. We know more about being a victim of racism and discrimination than you do. We know more about the destruction that systemic racism has caused through generations of our families than you do. We know more about fearing for our lives and the lives of our children because of our skin color than you do. We know more about being overlooked for jobs because of our skin color than you do. We know more about fearing interactions with police because of our skin color than you do. We know more about fighting for the right to simply be HEARD more than you do.

But even so, some White women STILL profess to be the experts on the Black woman’s experience in America. Some White women still refuse to simply listen and take in our truths and instead, choose to be combative and disrespectful when we express ourselves. Just today, I received this message from someone named Dani Ferris about an article I previously wrote entitled “But I Never Owned Slaves and Other Statements That Need to Be Retired Forever”:

“Your points are garbage, they’re poorly researched and they’re extremely biased to the point you muddy the waters of what is fact and what is opinion.”

While I did include facts to back up the statements I made in this article, it was indeed 100% unapologetically written based on my opinion as a woman living while Black in this country. But apparently, I can’t even make points about my personal experience because this White woman has decided that her opinion is fact and my opinion “muddies the waters.” She actually took the time to write seven points of why my thoughts, opinions, and cited facts were, in her words, garbage. So unless I am agreeing with her, I don’t have the right to voice how I feel about being oppressed in this country in my brown skin.

There are so many examples of White women forcing their will onto Black women instead of just LISTENING and asking questions for understanding. Being combative with us will never work. We have been fighting for centuries and this is not the fight you want — trust me on that. You won’t be able to outlast us. You won’t be able to out-talk us. You won’t be able to out fact-check us. You won’t be able to out-oppress us. You won’t be able to out-discriminate us. There is nothing you can do as a White woman to prove that your situation is more precarious than ours as Black women; it simply isn’t nor will it ever be. Honestly, you should be GLAD about that.

When we speak or write about our experiences, just be respectful and listen. This isn’t a contest designed for you to find fault in everything we say. Believe me when I say that we wish we didn’t have to keep saying it. It is not fun being oppressed and we don’t want to engage in the Oppression Olympics with you. Instead of always trying to keep the focus on yourself and making sure that YOU are seen as the victim and we are seen as the villains, try hearing us and attempt to empathize with our point of view instead.

Thank you for listening.