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Abstract

e.All of these statements are very harmful as they undermine my lived experience. It is to make us think that maybe we did something wrong as if maybe we mistook someone’s racist comment.I am seeing a lot of this taking place right now. Black people and people of colour are sharing their narrative, their pain, exposing their vulnerabilities, yet some white people are still like “Oh, I think you’re just over-reacting now. Stop reaching. It’s not racist”.First of all, how can you claim that something wasn’t racist when you have never been a subject of racism? How you can know something that you have never experienced? Stop treating racism like it’s an arbitrary construct and not our lived experience.And before you say “well y’all are obsessed with making everything about race”. Let me just tell you one thing, after being discriminated our whole life, we can just tell when someone is being racist. It’s like a sixth sense. We just know! Plus, if you’re having to say, it is not about “race”, it means it definitely was about race.Now, I know some of you will be like “well, you simply took it a racist comment. That was not what I meant”. But this is called plausible deniability. Which essentially means that you make a racist comment but it is so vague that you could say that’s not really what you meant. But the person hearing it, they will know exactly what you mean.In this context, let me give me an example. Many Black and Brown people are often told me they sound “articulate” and “well-spoken”. The silent implication is “for a Black/Brown person”. Anytime, you question it or say something, you are told: “I was just complimenting you!”Yet to this day, I have never heard a white person being told they sounded “articulate”. Why? Because they’re articulate by default, they don’t need to be told that, as that is the norm. It’s not something that you need to be given a compliment for because it is expected of you as a white person.But for us, it is not expected so when we sound articulate, a white person feels like they need to acknowledge that. It’s almost like “congratulations, you have made it.” As if it’s something w

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e should be grateful about. As if whiteness is what we are aspiring for. As if that’s our ultimate goal. To be like you. To be white.<h1 id="5122">What to do instead?</h1>You might have said something similar and didn’t even realise it. That’s because the sad reality is that White Supremacy is so embedded in our society that a lot of people don’t even realise the racial undertones of their words. You could be forgiven for that because you didn’t know and you made a mistake.But what is not okay is to continue to deny our reality even after being told that your words were harmful. What is not okay is to continue to make us think I “imagined” racism. What is not okay is to tell us that we need to “just get over it”.At first, you might get defensive when you’re told that what you said was racist. You’ll want to say “well, I didn’t mean it”. But resist the urge. It is natural to get defensive but if we tell you that you said something hurtful, you listen! You don’t make it about you and center your feeling.You might not have “meant any harm” but in this case, intent doesn’t matter, it’s the impact of your words. Yes, you didn’t mean to hurt but it still hurt.So you listen to us, you acknowledge the pain that you have caused, you apologise and you vow to do better.You can start that by learning about implicit biases that you have about people of colour. I would recommend starting by reading Me and White Supremacy: How to Recognise Your Privilege, Combat Racism and Change the World by Layal Saad. There are countless others too.By educating and learning about your own implicit biases, you can avoid saying these hurtful phrases. But you will probably make mistakes and that is okay, this is a life long process of unpacking your unconscious biases. The important this is to recognise when you have made a mistake and just learn to do better next time.If you are Black or a person of colour, I just want to say, whatever you experienced was valid and it was real. I honour your experiences. You don’t need to explain or justify that to anyone, you don’t need to provide “proof”. Your words are enough.</article></body>

Dear White People, Stop Gaslighting Us, We didn’t “Imagine” Racism

Stop treating racism like it’s an arbitrary construct and not our lived experience

Gaslighting is a term that refers to an individual psychologically manipulating another person. The person is made to question their reality and second guess everything that’s happening around them. It has been used in the context of intimate relationships but it can happen within friendships, work colleagues or family members.

It can simply show up as someone starting an argument but then later claiming that you were the one that started it. It’s making you re-think what you experience by saying “well you over-reacted!”

The ultimate point is that it makes you question your judgement and think “did that really happen? Maybe I did over-react?” Even when you know you didn’t but the other person is making you confused.

What is racial gaslighting?

Well, it’s the same principle but applied to race. In her book Healing Racial Trauma: The Road to Resilience, Shelia Wise Rowe explains “Racial gaslighting describes the ways individuals or institutions try to manipulate or question people of colour’s sense of reality, often to assert or maintain control, superiority or power.”

So in this instance, an individual makes a racist remark but instead of God forbid admitting that they made a racist comment, they will instead make the other person question and re-assess their very valid response to racism.

Racial gaslighting sounds like “You’re imagining things”, “Are you sure this definitely happened?”,“Oh, I was only joking, gosh, why are you taking everything so seriously?” “You have become too sensitive” and these phrases are only the tip of the iceberg. I am sure I could come up with many more and so could a lot of other people of colour. We all have different versions of these.

All of these statements are very harmful as they undermine my lived experience. It is to make us think that maybe we did something wrong as if maybe we mistook someone’s racist comment.

I am seeing a lot of this taking place right now. Black people and people of colour are sharing their narrative, their pain, exposing their vulnerabilities, yet some white people are still like “Oh, I think you’re just over-reacting now. Stop reaching. It’s not racist”.

First of all, how can you claim that something wasn’t racist when you have never been a subject of racism? How you can know something that you have never experienced? Stop treating racism like it’s an arbitrary construct and not our lived experience.

And before you say “well y’all are obsessed with making everything about race”. Let me just tell you one thing, after being discriminated our whole life, we can just tell when someone is being racist. It’s like a sixth sense. We just know! Plus, if you’re having to say, it is not about “race”, it means it definitely was about race.

Now, I know some of you will be like “well, you simply took it a racist comment. That was not what I meant”. But this is called plausible deniability. Which essentially means that you make a racist comment but it is so vague that you could say that’s not really what you meant. But the person hearing it, they will know exactly what you mean.

In this context, let me give me an example. Many Black and Brown people are often told me they sound “articulate” and “well-spoken”. The silent implication is “for a Black/Brown person”. Anytime, you question it or say something, you are told: “I was just complimenting you!”

Yet to this day, I have never heard a white person being told they sounded “articulate”. Why? Because they’re articulate by default, they don’t need to be told that, as that is the norm. It’s not something that you need to be given a compliment for because it is expected of you as a white person.

But for us, it is not expected so when we sound articulate, a white person feels like they need to acknowledge that. It’s almost like “congratulations, you have made it.” As if it’s something we should be grateful about. As if whiteness is what we are aspiring for. As if that’s our ultimate goal. To be like you. To be white.

What to do instead?

You might have said something similar and didn’t even realise it. That’s because the sad reality is that White Supremacy is so embedded in our society that a lot of people don’t even realise the racial undertones of their words. You could be forgiven for that because you didn’t know and you made a mistake.

But what is not okay is to continue to deny our reality even after being told that your words were harmful. What is not okay is to continue to make us think I “imagined” racism. What is not okay is to tell us that we need to “just get over it”.

At first, you might get defensive when you’re told that what you said was racist. You’ll want to say “well, I didn’t mean it”. But resist the urge. It is natural to get defensive but if we tell you that you said something hurtful, you listen! You don’t make it about you and center your feeling.

You might not have “meant any harm” but in this case, intent doesn’t matter, it’s the impact of your words. Yes, you didn’t mean to hurt but it still hurt.

So you listen to us, you acknowledge the pain that you have caused, you apologise and you vow to do better.

You can start that by learning about implicit biases that you have about people of colour. I would recommend starting by reading Me and White Supremacy: How to Recognise Your Privilege, Combat Racism and Change the World by Layal Saad. There are countless others too.

By educating and learning about your own implicit biases, you can avoid saying these hurtful phrases. But you will probably make mistakes and that is okay, this is a life long process of unpacking your unconscious biases. The important this is to recognise when you have made a mistake and just learn to do better next time.

If you are Black or a person of colour, I just want to say, whatever you experienced was valid and it was real. I honour your experiences. You don’t need to explain or justify that to anyone, you don’t need to provide “proof”. Your words are enough.