Dear Starter Husband, Thank You

A letter of thanks and gratitude for the person who shaped an important part of my life

It’s been a while since I wanted to write this. Not just a posting, but an email or note specifically to him. I ran it past a few friends, and more of them thought it was a bad idea, so I took their advice and scrapped it.

This post now is not about having closure, because I was lucky enough to have found it sometime ago. No, this post is about gratitude and growth, and the things that I learned through this journey only divorce can teach me.

Dear Starter Husband,

I remember when we first started dating, you were very affectionate with me. There were a lot of physical touch and nearness. Whether we were cooking or sleeping, you wanted that constant closeness. I really loved our playfulness and running my hands through your hair, but perhaps that wasn’t enough. I was more apt to having a bit more space, and doing our own things separately, while still being at home together.

I now realize that it must have been hard for you to feel appreciated and receive the love I was showing, because we didn’t speak the same love language. Even though I was expressive of my love through actions and words, what you really needed was touch. Thank you for showing me the effects of a mismatched language; I know better for next time.

Speaking of language, you taught me that I really need verbal communication as a strength in a relationship that cannot be compromised. Some people can get by without much dialogue between each other, and are perfectly content. I found that I cannot.

I love to talk, discuss, plan, dream out loud, commiserate, vent, support, and empathize all through verbal communication, specifically with my partner. That was a critical piece that was missing for me, and I craved it. But I thought I shouldn’t expect to get every need met by my partner, so I didn’t.

Instead, I turned to friends to have that part fulfilled. Because of that, you felt bad that you couldn’t be everything for me, and I felt we lacked intimacy. Even then, I thought as long as everything else was OK, then that’s just the way things would be, and I accepted it.

You taught me I wasn’t completely right. It’s true that one cannot expect the other to be his or her everything, but there are important values that should never be compromised on. If those aren’t there, then that should be a deal breaker. Thank you for showing me what my deal breakers are.

The next and last thing, which is more of an action than anything, is by far what I am most grateful to you for. This changed the trajectory of my life, and has allowed me to discover and be the most authentic, beautiful version of myself.

It was the permission to finally free myself of others’ expectations and voices.

There came a time when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving, and I was forced to make the choice of confronting my demons of shame rather than endure staying any longer.

Choosing to leave was one of the scariest things I ever did. I wasn’t just leaving my marriage; I was also breaking up with years of tradition, expectations, elevated societal image, financial stability, and friendships. I was choosing to navigate a path that was truly the least taken, at least in my culture.

During the first couple of years, I experienced new lows, and spiraled into a depression that scared even me. I was beginning to understand why, right before someone commits suicide, he would take others’ lives first instead of just his own. It’s because he’s in so much pain, that the only way to make others understand, is if he inflicted that pain onto them, by taking away the things or people they love.

By the grace of God, some hard-won grit, time, and a couple of good friends, I was able to pull myself out and eventually moved forward in small steps. I vowed that this is the beginning of the end of living a life of dogma, and will begin to live a life that’s fully mine.

It’s been some years now, and I have fully recovered from the divorce. I carry no hate, spite, anger, or resentment. In fact, I truly wish you well, and would offer my help if you ever needed it. Because I know that without you, I would never be who or where I am today. I am so thankful how things worked out; I hope our time together was worthwhile to you, and that it helped you with your issues too.

You taught me to be a much better human being, not only for myself, but also for the next person. So, dear starter husband, please allow me to say to you, all that is genuine from me… thank you.

Most sincerely,

H