Letters I’d like to see written

Dear Santa: A Business Proposal to Save Winter

Mother Nature’s got hot flashes and Santa’s feeling grim

To: Kris Kringle, North Pole

From: Mother Nature, Cloud Nine

Dear Santa,

I know you’re busy sorting letters and wish-lists, but I hope to catch your attention before you start packing the sleigh. As you know, this has been a rough year for me: floods, droughts, sandstorms, wildfires — but before you add me to the naughty list, hear me out!

These humans are pushing me over the edge, and I’ll admit, my management style has been slow to adapt. But lets face it, big guy, you and I are in the same boat. Your business will soon be feeling the heat as well, and unless you are dreaming of a brown Christmas, the whole St. Nick magic-of-winter gig may be a thing of the past.

My wish list this year is really more of a business proposal. You need winter, and I need to keep my species count up, so I’m proposing we join forces. Considering your workforce and my creative flair, the possibilities are encouraging.

Santa, let’s get right to the heart of the problem: hot air and gas.

These humans with their refineries, their SUVs and unending pavement — they’re giving me horrible hot flashes! The temps are rising so fast that your red fur suit must be downright unbearable, and you’ll be climbing in through air conditioning vents instead of chimneys. I hope Donner, Blitzen and the gang have been bulking up with steroid supplements to navigate these new millennium winds.

Speaking of the reindeer, I’ve been pondering a cloning program that would take your preferred mode of transportation mainstream.

I’m talking about replacing fossil fuels with reindeer power!

Just imagine: stables in place of garages, lovely doe-eyed ungulates nibbling down green lawns instead of those damn two-stroke mowers that drown out my songbirds. Let’s shrink the carbon footprint to a hoof print! BTW have you measured the methane output of those reindeer? Could nix the whole operation.

On another note, it’s become sadly apparent that humans prefer virtual environments to the real beauty I’ve created. My management systems, carefully crafted over eons, are failing.

This is where you come in. I’ve got some ideas on how we can work together to repurpose our resources and fix this mess.

As you are painfully aware, many traditional toys in your inventory go unused, unwanted, and unloved. In fact, they are piling up in my landfills like plaque in an artery. But if we put our heads together, we could find uses for all those outdated, non-battery operated toys collecting dust in your warehouse.

For example — those darling toy train sets? Boring as mud for human youngsters, but those they would fit perfectly into my plans for a transcontinental butterfly express, Canada to Mexico. I’m losing monarchs left and right, as highways pave over the milkweed patches along the migration route. The monarchs simply get exhausted flying so far without a rest stop. Let’s turn these old trainsets into public transportation, insect style. My monarchs can rest their weary wings, have a milkweed cocktail, and arrive at their migration destination fresh and ready to pupate.

Dollhouses? Let’s put them up on poles and create a housing project for the spotted owl. Erector sets? Sunken metal structures make a fine foundation for new coral reefs. And I really love the big floating water trampolines you’ve come up with — they could prove useful to polar bears in need of an ice floe. Can you coat them with Kevlar? The claws are quite sharp, you know.

As for the GI Joes — well, honestly, Mr. Kringle, could you just quit with the toy soldier thing? Aren’t there more than enough soldiers in the real world already?

Let’s arrange a planning retreat after the holidays, to hammer out the details. I’ve got a few open weeks in February, but spring seems to arrive a bit earlier every year, and once the baby bunnies and flower buds start arriving, I’m on duty 24/7 til November. Shall we shoot for a soon-to-be-tropical locale, maybe Nova Scotia?

Give my best to Yukon Jack and Hermie — and would you check that he’s properly disposing of the mercury from those fillings?

With love, as always,

Mother Nature.