The Algorithm Thinks I Should Be Watching Kids Smashing TVs

There is something I’d like the algorithm to know

Dear Mr. Algorithm,

I didn’t think much about artificial intelligence or how the algorithm works and how you recommend videos to me until after I began a YouTube channel.

As you must know, the YouTube channel was my wife’s idea, but now I really like creating videos about how to improve as a writer.

But I have a problem: my thirteen-year-old son likes to borrow my phone and you think you’re recommending videos to me, but they’re really for my son.

And now I have a serious problem.

You are suggesting stuff I don’t want him to watch, though I’m not a very strict dad. Or I wouldn’t let him watch videos on a kid who plays video games all day, curses and calls his mom a servant and demands her to bring him food.

And here are some of the other videos you’re recommending to him/me:

“Kid breaks dad’s new 50-inch tv.”

“Kid spends 400 on dad’s credit car.”

“Raging kid steal car over X-box controller.”

See my problem, Mr. Algorithim?

I don’t want my son to get any ideas when my wife tells him it’s time to turn off the tv around eleven o’clock and, to be honest, I’m starting to get a little nervous leaving my wallet and car keys around the house in plain sight.

I trust my son, but he likes to do pranks and yesterday he was out the door and started my car by the time I got there. He said it was for a YouTube video, but I asked him who was the person doing the filming for his video.

“You,” he said.

He had a point. We did a “smashing” video for his YouTube channel last week. It’s still not posted yet because, you know, it didn’t get someone’s approval.

Seriously, Mr. Algorithm

Do you need to send my son a video called “Biggest Dickus” from the Life of Brian’s channel. As you know, my son’s taste leans a bit towards the vulgar, but now I can’t get him to stop saying Biggest Dickus.

You British readers will recognize this from Monty Python, and I am a fan of the British comedy troupe’s satirical sketches with an improvisation flair, especially the fight scene with the Black Knight and Sir Arthur.

But I know what you’re thinking, Mr. A … if I’d just monitor his use of my phone better and let him not watch Angry Kid feed peanuts to his best friend, causing him to go into anaphylactic shock, then I wouldn’t get Biggest Dickus.

I see you think I am fan of British comedy. Well, I guess that’s my son’s taste.

I accept responsibility

So I guess I am to blame for this whole thing and, maybe, this is the reason you’re not recommending my YouTube videos to other writers because you think I am some thirteen-year-old kid who likes to see people smash things and not a person who likes to share what they learn on the craft of writing.

Maybe, this is your way of telling me I need to buy my son a phone, so I won’t keep getting your annoying recommendations on hissing, angry cats.

Though I admit I prefer the hissing cats over some of your other suggestions.

Christmas shopping the algorithm way

You’ll be happy to know I took a tip from you in doing my Christmas shopping. My son and I were shopping for his grandmother, and since I was thinking about how you like to recommend stuff, I came up with a brilliant idea.

We found a woman in TJ Maxx around the same age as my mom — 87 — and we followed her around to get some ideas for a present or two for my mom.

I don’t know if she was shopping for another person or for herself, but after buying my mom all kinds of Christmas presents for over 30 years, it was nice to not have to think about what to get her and get ideas from this nice lady.

She reminded me a lot of you — how she gave us gift ideas left and right.

We followed her around incognito and it was fun. Now I know what it’s like to be you and to snoop on all my viewing habits to make recommendations.

Now, one last thing, can you tell my the secret to making a video go viral.

Thanks for reading my article. You might also like my most-read stories.

Also, consider checking out my YouTube video on my journey as writer.

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