Misogynist Forum

“Dear Miss Andrist”: A Column for the Clueless

Don’t read this article. You’ll hate it.

Dear Miss Andrist,

I told a barista she would be pretty if she smiled more. She flung my frap at me. Now I’m covered in milk and caramel. What did I do wrong?

Pad my ego,

Macho Macchiato

Dear Macho,

You deserve every drop of your milky, putrid existence. Please, just go. Go outside into the sun and take a moment to let the erroneous, rotting stench of your ways fill your nostrils.

Better yet, do it in front of a bus. But wait just a minute, I’ll need some popcorn to fully enjoy that action.

When your body is broken and bruised,

when you no longer feel like your own and you can’t breathe for the stinking cesspool of someone else’s rage,

when it seems like everything you’ve been given is stripped away,

when you’re feeling drained of all of your lifeblood and the world begins to go dark for the encircling feeling of palms against your throat,

when you feel like there is no hope for you or people in your position,

when you find yourself at the lowest point you’ve never imagined,

I’ll be there. I’ll give you just what you need.

I’ll lean over with my kind, sparkling eyes and whisper a life-altering vittle of wisdom in your bleeding ear:

“Oh, Dear. You’d be so much prettier if you smile.”

Until Next Time,

Miss Andrist

I’m Brett Jenae Tomlin, The Anxious Enthusiast.

*Footnote: Miss Andrist and Macho are fictional characters.

Big Love & thank you to the idealist behind this column and question-giver:

If you love, love, love my writing and want to shout out, “You get it, anxious girl!” You can contribute to my cookbook collection here or join Medium to put your own stamp on the web and the world. I get a little love if you use my link ^^