Dear Men: why ‘looksmaxxing’ won’t work, and what you can actually do

The deranged alt-right trend making young men hurt themselves

A friend leaps onto the bed, gleefully opening his laptop. I’m exhausted, but I know that expression. “You have to see this,” he tells me, pulling up iPlayer. “You absolutely having to see this.”

“Why are there little hammers? What’s looksmaxxing?” I ask him after a few minutes, bewildered. My friend grins at me, squeezing my arm reassuringly. This is weird. “Oh, you just have to watch and find out.” On the screen, the awkward, masked young man waves his little hammer around while he talks to the equally confused journalist.

Then the masked man explains. He’s using the little hammer to break the bones in his face to make himself more attractive to women. I’m speechless. My friend is in tears laughing. This is surreal, that weird blend of absurd, tragic, and hilarious. “Why would that work?” I ask aloud. “Why on earth would that work?”

Why hitting yourself with a small hammer won’t make you sexier

Okay, I get it. There are facial features that society typically notes as more attractive. A strong jaw. A smooth brow. High cheekbones. A prominent, shapely nose. But I absolutely promise you, on an anatomical level, that you cannot shatter your way to Adonis.

Your face is not clay or metal. It’s bone, muscle, fat, skin, and tissue. And a lot of it. It’s incredibly complex, which is why a facial massage can take as long as a back massage. Any surgeon will tell you that cartilage, muscle and bone does not heal immaculately by itself from burns, fractures and breakage. You’ll get scarring. You’ll get fused bone and bumpy keloids. Lumps. Indentations. You only need to look at the survivors of car crashes and explosives to know that sharp objects hitting your face does not bring your appearance to a socially agreed optimum. The surgeries looksmaxxing attempt to imitate fail to understand that breaking specific bones in a face under anaesthetic in a sanitary environment and then undergoing specific treatment, stitching, and in some cases, implants, is a wildly different practice with different results.

Some people will say they’re only lightly tapping at the bone and not breaking it: this also won’t work. Your bones aren’t copper. Your bones are brittle and this would be about as sensible as ‘tapping’ a clay vase expecting it to change shape. Even if you don’t care about infection or pain: this absolutely does not work.

So what can you do as a man to change your face?

There’s loads of cosmetic options (as an adult) that you can get to change your features. None of these are shameful or just for women. In fact, more men are getting minor cosmetic adjustments than ever before. If you’re dead set on changing how you look, please look into safe options. Some clinics even only treat men. So here’s what some of your options are;

Wrinkles

Botox. This is a series of six to eight injections in the forehead, outer eye, and brow that will freeze the muscles under your skin. It’s come a long way since the scary frozen cat women of the nineties: no one would know you’d had it done if you have it done properly by a certified dermatologist.

Changing the shape of your features

Filler isn’t just weird fish lips. You can have cheekbone filler to make your cheeks look more chiselled, you can have jaw filler to get a sharper, stronger jaw line, nasal filler for a straighter or larger nose, and you can have chin implants for a more masculine face. The only thing I would say here is that you absolutely must pay for a proper cosmetologist to do this: do not cut corners as filler can stay in your face for decades. Any injections to your face and any filler must be used by a professional. I recommend Juvederm, just as I’ve had it myself and liked the results, but always ask what your practitioner is using and go away and research it yourself. This is so much safer and will take about half an hour, not several hours under anaesthetic.

Jaw slimming

If you’re unhappy about a double chin or wide, heavy jaw, you have two options. One is fat dissolving injections (pricey, but probably better than hitting yourself with a hammer) and the other is masseter botox. This will freeze the muscles in your lower face and reduce the fullness of the jaw. Personally I’d go with fat dissolving if you’re anxious about this, or consider a chin implant or filler to have a stronger face.

Most importantly:

Women don’t really care about how you look.

I know that sounds like a cliche, but it’s absolutely true. I’ve dated short men, men with acne, skinny men, fat men, men with strange features and very stereotypically attractive men: and the ones I’ve loved the most have been charismatic, loving, charming, and hard working. Looks haven’t really come into it. It’s a nice add-on, sure, but you care about whether your partner is kind to you. Loving. Attentive. Faithful. Generous. Warm. If you’re a mean, selfish, cruel and cold person, you’re always going to end up alone even if you look like Brad Pitt. Look at these shallow handsome dating-coach men that you idolise: all of them lack supportive, loving, long-term relationships with women.

Love- not lust- is about who you are, not how you look.