Dear Men — Here’s Why Your Dating Profile Sucks

I’ll break it down for you.

I’ve written about online dating. I wrote about how women’s profiles and pictures need improvement from a guy’s perspective. I wrote advice for men’s online profile pictures.

In this article, I’m dissecting writeups from Tinder (men between 40–50).

I’m including their typos and spelling errors. These are their writeups in their entirety; I’m not picking and choosing one-liners or paragraphs in a bio.

I once survived on just a knife for 55 days. I can even make fire with just a couple sticks. Ok so this is the big question that keeps me up at night. So lets say we hit it off an then we had anal sex. Would you now consider me an astronaut because ive been to n through Uranus?

This is what not to do. It’s not witty when there are spelling errors.

Homeboy probably heard the punchline from his buddies. It’s a regurgitation of a dumb joke.

He talks about sex like a fratboy. Even worse, bringing up anal sex before even meeting a woman is a surefire way to get no sex, let alone anal. I imagined an unshowered douchebag yelling, “haha I’m funny, wanna let me put my dick in your ass?”

Emotionally connected alpha male. Trouble at life balanace As I’m a total workoholic but summer is almost her and the river calls.

If you’re going to write minimal text, make sure it’s English.

Alpha males don’t declare themselves alpha males. Why point out the flaws in your life, such as life balance (I assume work-life balance). And worst of all, the only thing stopping him from working is hanging out at the river.

A woman doesn’t fit anywhere in his life.

• Father
• business owner
• golf addict
• pizza connoisseur

This tells me nothing. Saying you’re a pizza connoisseur is like saying you’re an expert on breathing air.

Mentioning fatherhood is great. But what ages are the kids? What percentage custody?

Saying you’re a business owner says nothing other than you receive an income. I have a tiny Etsy shop, so sure, I’m a business owner. This guy should list his business’ industry to appeal to women that find it interesting or are in the same line of work.

I am an eternal optimist. I live a busy, active lifestyle, hoping to find someone amazing that shares mutual interests with me. I enjoy live music, sporting events, hiking, love the beach. Let’s go create new experiences together and have great time. If we match, I would love to grab a drink or a cup of coffee and see what happens next… best of luck.

At first glance, this seems great. He’s not talking about sex (yes, the bar is low) and he’s upbeat.

But after reading it, I didn’t learn anything about him. Don’t list “live music”, instead describe what kind of live music. No woman thinks “oh cool, I like live music too, we’re a match!”. There’s a difference between going to a country music concert and a death metal concert.

The same applies to sports. Watching hockey is a different ball game (I’m a master at puns) than watching baseball. Which sport? College or pro? Which teams are your favorites?

I have to give him a checkmark for mentioning the beach. I’m not a beach person so it could be a deal-breaker when I’m wary of going often.

Fun, outgoing, open and hedonistic. Did I mention funny AF? Seriously, get me loose and rifting, you may snort laugh. Live music is life. Favorites are punk, ska, rockabilly and psychobilly. But I love it all. Never pass on a concert. I’m not tall. You need 6'2, not your guy. Looking for wit, humor and great conversation, I’m your Huckelberry. Poly. Fet friendly. D, DD.

As bizarre as this may initially seem, it’s great.

The use of the word “hedonistic” is a detail of the type of fun he likes to have. Mentioning he’s funny doesn’t mean much until he adds that he can make you “snort-laugh”; that’s a great sense of humor.

He lists out the genres of music.

This guy is honest about his height. It matters. I’m petite and with heels, I’m 5'6. I’ve stood next to guys who are shorter than 5'6 and it makes me feel like the Hulk. I have quite tall friends and are very self-conscious about their height; they feel more feminine next to taller guys.

He loses a point for misspelling “Huckleberry”. You can’t impress with your classic literary skills if you can’t spell a title or author correctly.

While I know what “poly” and “fet friendly” mean, I have no idea what “D” and “DD” mean. That’s okay. It’s more important that he listed his interests because his target female knows exactly what they mean.

Confident, laser focused and down to earth. Interesting in chatting, friends, deeper connections, etc. I’m somewhat of an east coast beast….really just looking for interesting, genuine woman whose not afraid to speak her mind. Let’s get to know each other.

I gathered nothing other than he’s from the east coast and he wants a bold woman. He stands out like a single grain in a bag of rice.

These traits are very generic. Who doesn’t think they’re down to earth? Who doesn’t think they’re interesting or genuine? It reads, “I’m a human looking for a human.”

I am extroverted, articulate, educated, only indulge in the finer things in life. I love to smoke bud and drink wine. I have my own business and love adventures. I like nice girls who are sweet and not stuck up. If you’re cool I’ll even buy you a drink.

Being articulate is not a personality trait. Telling me you own a business means nothing. Telling me you love adventures means nothing; define them since our definitions of “adventure” may differ.

Mentioning smoking and drinking is important. However, every girl thinks she’s sweet and not stuck up. What woman reads that and thinks, “Oh, shit. I’m super stuck up. Better skip this guy.”?

Honestly I am here looking for a date and hopefully something serious.

I can’t…I mean…come on…for fuck’s sake. “I’m a human looking for a human.”

I believe you can have everything in life, fun will find you.

Do not put inspirational messages in your profile.

An exception is given writing, “The following mantra is something I aspire to follow every day” and then lists the quote. It demonstrates the quote is a meaningful part of this guy’s life and not something copied from a meme.

I’ve been in OC resident for most of my life with a short stint in Wisconsin. Father of an amazing 2 year old and best friend too a loving dog named Bandit.

Listing locations, children, and pets are good. But those describe a guy’s situation or status, not his personality or interests. Nothing indicates who he might be compatible with, other than an avid dog lover.

I’m a mechanic, I’m a full-time dad of two wonderful kids and just trying to get better everyday. Have fun and enjoy what you have. Just don’t forget to dream a little.

A plus for him specifying his line of work. It’s the only bonus he gets because he only mentioned his life situation and provided two dumb inspirational quotes.

No woman wants fortune cookie wisdom from a profile.

Just moved back into the area after spending 4 years on the east coast! Like to travel, be a foodie, meet new people, golf, and mountain biking. 6’4

Does this sound any different than the other generic blurbs I’ve posted? Everyone says they like traveling. All people eat food. Golfing and mountain biking are good interests to post but they don’t say anything about what kind of person they are or who they want.

It’s better to say how often you golf, where you bike, and if it’s important to find a woman who shares those interests.

This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You swipe left — the story ends here, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You swipe right — you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

Is this sexual? It’s bizarre.

This tells me nothing other than he’s a weird guy. Women meet weird guys within minutes of stepping out their front door. They don’t need to go online for that.

His use of “this is your last chance” is creepy. Women spend their lives avoiding dangerous situations. Anything resembling a threat is a turn-off.

Originally from Chicago, but recently moved to California and looking to meet someone to spend time with and see where it leads….

“I’m a human looking for a human.”

Life is too short, live it to it’s fullest GRAND. I’m from Syracuse NY. I’m a former Marine. Never married and no kids. (😉four legged) Plus I’m a Sagittarius🍀🍀🍀🍀 NO CATFISHING. EITHER!!!!!! PS STOP ASKING US MEN TO FOLLOW YOU! On Snapchat Instagram n etc. if your not looking swipe left!! It’s uncalled for. Plus we don’t care to see pictures of your girlfriends and kids in the photos.

There are positives. Mentioning he’s from New York and a marine are personality hints. Listing his life status of marriage, pets, and kids is good. It doesn’t hurt to write his zodiac sign.

While I heavily agree on not posting pictures of other people, that isn’t the point of a profile. Women aren’t seeking advice on their writeups, they want to learn more about the guy. Telling women what not to put in their profile doesn’t make them interested.

The ultimate negative is the yelling about catfishing and follow requests. Are they annoying for guys? Sure. But it doesn’t tell a woman anything about his interests, hobbies, current line of work, and how he spends his free time. The bio section is meant to highlight who a guy is, not provide unsolicited advice to women.

Plus the use of ALL-CAPS and exclamation marks is obnoxious.

I can’t even with the emojis.

I’ve got some flaws. If you don’t then I don’t think we’d be compatible.

“I’m a human looking for a human.”

Looking for someone to hang out with long term. Not afraid to jump out of a plane, as long as its into your heart.

“I’m a human looking for a human who tolerates cheesy quotes.”

A woman might as well roll the dice by asking out the next guy who takes her drive-thru order.

I’m looking for someone special who appreciates a great guy with lots to offer. Big heart, I haven’t forgotten how to be a gentleman. I give with everything that I’ve got, and I’m not tainted by past relationships. I’m very secure and self-employed. So if you’re looking for a real man who’s fitness minded and that and where it goes from there sky is the limit. No stress, no drama mama’s please! This is a real man with old-school morals and values and wants to give it all to one amazing woman!

I’m not going to lie: I kind of hate this guy.

Everyone thinks they’re “great”. Saying you’re “great” doesn’t prove you’re “great”.

Saying you’re not tainted by past relationships screams you’re tainted by past relationships. If you weren’t, it wouldn’t cross your mind. Also, everyone is influenced by their previous relationships because we’re dynamic creatures.

Saying you’re a “real man” while also mentioning you’re “secure” indicates you’re the complete opposite of either trait. It tells me someone has questioned your manhood at some point in your life. Also, I’m not quite sure what constitutes a “real man”; I would consider Dwayne Johnson a “real man” but he sure as fuck isn’t going around telling anyone that.

Saying you don’t want drama means you’ve experienced loads of it and you’re the common denominator.

Saying twice you’re a “real man” with “old-school morals and values” makes me think you want a woman who will cook you dinner every night and do your laundry while you watch sports on the couch.

Looking for a best friend to do life with. Entrepreneur and a dad to three bad ass kids. 50/50 custody. Twin 10 yr old boys and 14 yr old daughter. Work hard, play harder. Great restaurants and dive bars. Love to go fast, speed boats, off road, beach crusier rides in Huntington & Newport bch. Comedy, Music, Exploring the surroundings. Beaches, Havasu, Parker, Mojave Desert, the Mountains, Golf, Pool, Vegas, Major Cities in the U.S., Cocktails, Surf and Turf.

Are there spelling errors and bad grammar? Absolutely. But this profile is perfect in terms of describing himself.

Saying he wants a best friend tells a woman he wants something long-term that is more than just sex. This guy lists his kids, their ages, and the custody situation. That’s important information.

I’ll give him a pass for the “work hard, play harder” nonsense quote. While he gives a generic mention of restaurants (yes, people like food) he referenced dive bars which is a very specific kind of interest. His sports are also very specific.

While he also generically enjoys the beach, he lists the exact beaches. There is a difference between hanging out in La Jolla compared to Havasu and that describes more about his personality.

I consider myself to be a complete person in all aspects of life. A little about me, I love spending time at the ocean playing fetch with my dog, surfing and going on hikes. I enjoy going to farmers market on Sunday and picking fresh groceries. I believe in work life balance so looking for someone who is able to take time out for herself and join me in my adventures, someone who is a sincere dog lover and sees the beauty that nature has to offer.

This write-up has potential.

While he mentions the ever generic “going on hikes”, writing what he does when he’s at the beach articulates his interests well.

Listing the farmers’ market is a great addition. I’ve never seen any guy put that in their writeup. This tells me he’s chill, is cool wandering random places, and can probably cook very well.

Mentioning pets is important. I’m not a dog lover so I’m not the target demographic.

On the downside, everyone thinks they see the beauty in nature. Well, I don’t, but I think the average female does. It’s a pointless statement.

I spend as much time on the race track as I can, so I’m a much better driver than your ex. I can fix things too and I’ll always notice when you get your hair done. Originally from the Bay Area but now living in Orange County. I consult weed growers for a living, and do some real estate stuff on the side. 6' 2" with a couple extra lbs. They’ll be gone by Summer.. No kids. Looking for a partner who wants to take the dogs camping, and maybe load up an r.v. to camp with kids of our own someday.

While this guy is cocky, his write-up provides a clear picture of who he is.

Race track driving is unique. Women like guys who can fix things. We also like guys who notice when our hair is done. This guy knows who he is and what he wants.

Instead of writing, he’s “self-employed” like everyone else, he writes exactly what he does for a living as well as his side hustles.

This guy posted his height while being honest about his weight. Lord knows how many guys say they’re “above-average” in looks and body type when they’re far from it.

The best part is he flat out says what he wants in a partner not just in the present time but also his intentions for the future. That last sentence is pure gold for an online bio.

I really prefer to talk / message directly as opposed to writing about me but here goes… I will say I love a good wine paired with good food. I like watching movies and spending time with friends. I would love to travel more. I’ve been fortunate to have been to many different places but want to keep it going! Not sure what I’m looking for. I am divorced. I think I would be happy to just find somebody I can have an interesting conversation with but I’m just taking this as it comes.

“I’m a human and I think I want a human, but I’m not sure.”

I’m quite tall and have no tattoos. I’m a neophyte stand up comedian, expert geek, middling Jack of all trades. I especially have a soft spot for board games and hikes but those things seldom lead to material. Maybe you can help change that? Whatever will be will be. The future is ours to see. Sorry for not many pics. I don’t like being photographed and live my life accordingly. 6'5"

Another bio with potential. His personality traits are specific, not anything the average person has like “open-minded” (at least 50% of all profiles list that as a trait). Tattoos, even lack of them, are good to mention.

This guy specifies board games which is the only time I’ve ever read that. It shows he can enjoy a night in without defaulting to Netflix.

The second half of his profile is garbage and needs more detail on his interests and what he wants, rather than his lack of pictures. Dude, you’re on a dating website. Suck it the fuck up and take some selfies.

Know your target audience, gentlemen. Like a job application, highlight what makes you unique compared to other qualified candidates.

Be specific in your hobbies. Be specific in your life situation and status. Be specific with your employment and skills. Be specific with how you spend your free time. Be specific with the books you read, the concerts you attend, and the movies you like. Be specific with what you want, whether it’s a fun one-night stand, a polyamorous relationship, or a walk down the wedding aisle.

Women want a commonality with men online. We’re not visual like guys; we need to feel like we’d have an emotional or intellectual connection. Being specific allows a woman a chance to connect with something that makes you stand out.

While I red pen the shit out of these writeups, I genuinely enjoy breaking down why they’re good or not. Maybe I’m in the wrong line of work and should offer my services as an Online Dating Profile Editor.

For now, my advice is free.