MANSCAPE YOUR DATING LIFE

Dear Men: Dating Do’s & Don’ts. Sell the Sizzle, Not the Steak (or the Snake)

Blocked texts? no second dates? here’s why.

Gentleman: Haven’t had the greatest dating success with women? Read on! If you’re 18 or 108 you’ve come to the right place.

Congrats! We’re glad you’re here.

Mazel tov! It’s hard to recognize and acknowledge that you’re dating-challenged.

Remember that famous Sesame Street Song?

One of these things, is not like the other. One of these things does not belong.

YOU are the common denominator in your dating. You bring you to all encounters with women.

Women worldwide will thank you for having the — literal and figurative — balls to admit you need our help.

Hot Dating Tip #1: Work with What You’ve Got

Aesthetic enhancements are a guaranteed fail.

Hair going gray? Perfect! You’re a silver fox.

Men’s hair coloring is on par with toupee wearing. It’s unnatural. That dead animal atop your dome might as well have a chin strap. Yuk!

Hair coloring for men can only render you looking two ways:

1️⃣ like you’ve escaped from the Blue’s Clues set

2️⃣ like you’re the creepy neighbor

Besides, the white van you drive, with the blacked out windows, is creepy enough. (JKJK).

Small hands? You know what they say “small hands = small gloves” (Yeah not really. Nobody says that. But if that’s the way you’re built …

Don’t try to overcompensate with a pinky ring.

You’re a male ISO a woman. When you “land a girl” give her your pinkie ring. Women want to feel feminine. Competing with you for who has the prettiest finger bling is not part of the equation.

Hot Dating Tip #2: Watch Your Mouth

Sorry to be blunt, but really guys.

We get it, you’re attracted to us women, the dazzling women surrounding you on a daily basis. Our boobs, our butts, our legs — we have an effect on your, er…sword.

But if you want us to move closer, the last thing you want to do is tell us what you want to do with us (especially if you’re challenged by Tip #1).

You may want to say (but DON’T):

• I’d sure like to hump your leg.
• I want to feed you my brownies.
• Give me your number.
• I want to blow on your neck.

This verbal vomit, and more, actually emerged from the mouths of modern men and was directed at women they were hoping to attract. No one, and I mean no one, likes vomit. These “lines” all stink. If you upchuck anything like them, women will flee so fast they’ll leave tire marks.

Instead, try for normal. Normal is good. “My name is__________. What is your name?” And see how that goes.

Later, if she wants your brownies, she’ll tell you.

Tip Dating Tip #3: Curtail the Peacocking

We get it: you are successful.

You run your own business. You’re a law firm partner. You’re a crime-fighting detective. You’re proud of the wheels you drive or the house you own. Maybe you think you’re an amazing lover or Giver of Back-rubs.

We’ll notice the clothes you wear or the car you drive (and by the way, there’s no need to overdo it here). The whole “notice me! like me!” “I’m important” aura reeks of insecurity and desperation. Lose it.

Let the woman you want to “land” discover how amazing you are on her own. When you peacock, you run the risk of looking and sounding like a PSA or an 80’s infomercial — both are turnoffs.

Hot Dating Tip #4: Keep Your Junk in Your Trunk

Congrats — you have a pecker!

Just like about 4 billion other people on Earth.

Whether it’s reminiscent of a Sequoia trunk or walnut or somewhere in between, keep it in your pants. No need to share a viral Kodak moment with the woman you fancy. Unless she’s a urologist specializing in vasectomies, the unsolicited sending of, er…your biscuit is not going to end well. Sending it will only render it limp.

Women don’t like to look at our phones as a source of horror and disgust. Unsheathe your sword for a time when its welcome and IRL.

Phones are such useful tools. Don’t be a tool and show us your tool on this tool. We’ll only react with horror and disgust.

#keeppeckerprivate

I could say more, but I won’t.

Digest what’s here and see what you think. Maybe give some of this material a fair trial. Who knows? Maybe it’ll up your game. It can’t be any worse than it already is. You did read to the bottom of the page.

When You Can’t Wait Any Longer

Ready to bust? Can’t wait for more estrogen-flooded words of wisdom? No worries, you can always find food for dating thought in my book, available on Amazon now: The Friendship Diet

A big thank you to Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier) for inviting me here:-)