Dear Medium, My Daughter Thanks You For Keeping Me Off TikTok

When this is over, I’ll have nothing to show for it but these boring articles written in old fashioned words.

Dear Medium,

Thank you for keeping me off TikTok, and Instagram.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you for providing me with an outlet that doesn’t involve lip syncing, comedy skits, or monologues.

Thank you for relegating my work to the written word where no teenager anywhere will ever read it. For that, my thirteen-year-old daughter is forever grateful.

Thank you sweet writing, for taking up most of my day. Thanks for not leaving any time for me to ponder my amateur comedy skills or live musical abilities, although I’m sure I could have written a killer Seinfeld.

After all, I’ve laughed out loud at my comedy musings, who hasn’t? I’ve belted out a chorus or two in the shower. I’m even a musician who writes and records. But if there’s one thing I’m learning in these trying times, is that performing is a skill and good comedy is hard to write.

I suddenly appreciate how difficult it must be to write a full hour of quality stand-up.

This whole episode in social media mayhem reminds me of the time I was a teenager, and I had a dream that I could rap. In this dream, I rapped “My Adidas”, the whole song, and woke up convinced that I was good at it.

I ran downstairs to demonstrate my new skills to my mother, where it became abundantly clear that I hadn’t actually magically become a rapper.

At that moment, I learned that there is a distinct difference between what you think you can do well and what you actually can do well.

In my head, I think I’d be pretty good at comedy. I went through a phase where I even wrote a whole bunch of it intending to go to an amateur hour at a local comedy club.

If I wasn’t getting so much satisfaction with you Medium, I might feel compelled to do a Facebook Live of my comedy gold, which would literally kill my daughter (spoken as Chris Trager from Parks and Rec).

I might dig up my notes and see if I can work them into a funny article which I will then not present live on the internet.

My writing process takes up a good portion of the day. It satisfies every creative bone in my body, so I don’t need to take my urges elsewhere. I don’t feel the need to cheat on you Medium, so thanks. Our relationship is as strong as ever.

My daughter also supports our relationship.

As a thirteen-year-old who has no interest in reading my articles, she can rest assured that none of her friends will be interested either.

She can breathe easily in the fact that I’m contained in an environment impervious to invasion by anyone she knows. There will be no video evidence floating around on the internet for future blackmail.

TikTok and Instagram aren’t secure environments. There is crossover contamination. Lucky for her, I have you sweet writing, I don’t need them.

While other parents are leaving cringy video evidence of their unmitigated un-coolness behind, I have only written words and since a teenager will not read when they can watch, you have made me a hero in my home.

So here’s to you Medium, because of you I haven’t been posting Facebook Comedy, Instagram stories or TikTok videos. My daughter will come out of this period of history unscathed.

She will not have to bear the internet badge of shame.

Thank you as well, from me. I have a long history of embarrassing myself, and this may be the first-ever time I haven’t ridden that train.

When my mouth is open, I generally shove my foot in it sooner or later.

Writing slows me down and forces me to edit, something I can’t always do in real-time. Thank you for giving me a way to express myself that preserves my dignity.

So while almost everyone I know is having a social media meltdown, I am grateful to be firmly entrenched in the written word.

Thank you, Medium, for saving me from the unmuffled Harley Davidson that is TicToc and Instagram and giving me the classic car that is Medium.

Although I might be having the same mid-life crisis, I’m riding it out in a more subtle vehicle.

I’m as thankful as my daughter that when this is all over, I’ll have nothing to show for it but these boring articles written in old fashioned words.

So thanks again Medium, you’ve saved my bacon and made me a hero in one fell swoop.

I owe you one.

Love Erin

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