Dear Cisters: How do I tell my child that Harry Potter’s mom abuses women and children?
How do I tell my child that JK Rowling might now abuse them, too?
COMPASSION FOR VICTIMS OF ABUSE
As adults, most of us can separate a person from their position. JK Rowling was abused terribly by men. She now acts out that pain as a trauma response by abusing women and children who remind her of those men.
As adults, we can see that. We can appreciate her as a creative genius who also abuses women and children.
As adults, we can appreciate that her trauma blinds her to the harmful impact of her behavior.
But when it comes to our kids? To them, JK Rowling isn’t just an author. She’s like a mom.
And how would you feel if the same comforting voice that used to fill your dreams now focuses that power on how to abuse women and children?
It’s like after years of a loving family home, our mom came home and hit us.
HARRY POTTER AND THE BLINDSIDED BIGOTRY
How would you feel if every time you yelled for your mom to stop hitting you, she told you she’ll never stop, not when hitting you makes her feel better? Safer? Whole?
Not when she says there is something about you that DEMANDS you be abused until you see things the way she does?
How would you feel if in that rare second she holds her abuse long enough to see your tears, she insists she’s not an abuser?
How would you feel if she told you that what you experience as pain, harm, and abuse never happened? Wasn’t that bad? Isn’t that big a deal? Isn’t her fault? And even if it was…you deserved it?
CHILDREN VS ADULTS
As adults, when someone abuses us, we know we should just leave. But as children — even those at heart — leaving an abuser is hard. Leaving an abusive parent is impossible.
And for many of us, JK Rowling is that suddenly abusive mother. Every time she inflicts more abuse toward women and children, we recoil — and yet keep coming back.
We keep trying to make sense of JK Rowling choosing to abuse women and children.
THERE IS NO RATIONAL EXPLANATION FOR ABUSE
We keep trying to explain to our kids why JK Rowling would choose to make herself feel safer not just by abusing women — but by abusing children merely for having experiences she can classify as transgender.
We keep trying to somehow be good enough for Mom/JK Rowling to stop hitting us. We don’t deserve to be abused. But letting go of her feels scarier than letting her keep hitting us with her words.
Some of those words changed our lives. We had no idea how her words could change our lives again.
We had no idea Mom would one day seek to literally legislate her compulsions to abuse women— whether those women be adults or still innocent children.
OUR GRIEF
We thought it would be just men of power who abused women like this. Our grief is in recognizing that whatever her noble intentions, the impact of JK Rowling’s decisions and behavior is that she now joins the ranks of men who empower themselves by abusing women they declare don’t count.
HOW DO WE LET GO OF MOM?
We are now struggling with the same kind of trauma bond JK Rowling struggled with in her marriage. Even when you see an abuser and their abuse for what it is…it’s hard to SEE it. Name it. Accept it for what it is.
It’s hard to leave.
We want to believe this is our fault. We must not understand what’s happening.
But we do understand what’s happening. JK Rowling made it clear. She abuses women and will continue to do so.
ABUSERS DON’T CHANGE UNTIL THEY’RE READY AND WILLING
An abuser will never acknowledge the impact of their behavior until they’re ready and willing.
Unfortunately, being ready and willing is one of the first ingredients to forgiveness and redemption.
Abusers are unable to acknowledge the harmful and abusive impact of their behavior. To themselves, they’re probably the hero. One of the few who can see through the noise and empower others to stand up against the kind of abuse they experienced.
And like those abusers, JK Rowling has not yet even acknowledged the abusive impact of her behavior toward women and children.
She instead marches on, shouts on, tweets on that whatever abuse women continue to experience from her actions never happened.
And if it did? If that woman reminds JK Rowling of a man, they probably deserved it.
As woken women, we have heard the narcissist’s prayer as often as JK Rowling has said her version of it. Those tricks don’t work anymore.
WILL JK ROWLING EVER CHANGE?
My guess is that like most benevolent narcissists, she will never see beyond her intentions. She will insist that any harm and abusive impact of her behavior has nothing to do with her.
She will point to the nobility of her other actions. She will point to the consequences of THAT behavior and THOSE positions.
See? She gives so much money to charity that her OTHER actions couldn’t possibly have an abusive impact toward women. Or at least…we shouldn’t pay any attention to anything she does that has a harmful and abusive impact toward women.
As though doing wonderful things for orphans somehow protects her from her fans acknowledging simple facts.
THE SIMPLE FACTS
JK Rowling is a victim of abuse who now acts out that trauma with a pattern of abusive behavior toward women and children.
Time will tell if she is ever ready and willing to acknowledge the harmful and abusive impact of her actions and positions.
For the rest of us, we accept that when it comes to JK Rowling’s trauma and abusive behavior:
We didn’t cause it. Can’t control it. Can’t cure it.
ADDITIONAL READING
“Who did JK Rowling become?” by Molly Fisher “Add the Sorting Hat to the list of things J.K. Rowling is wrong about” by Allison Shoemaker “So JK Rowling is apparently transphobic?” by Jessie Gender
FINAL THOUGHTS
If you are struggling with abuse from your own family, friends, or once-treasured authors, I recommend these two very excellent women and their insight on narcissism, trauma, and healing ❤️
Suggested videos:
The end
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