Dear Cisters: Can You Feel Dysphoria Without Being Trans?

Ask your cisgender friends this question ASAP

Question: Can you feel dysphoria without being trans?

If you’re trans and you haven’t already asked a cis person this question, get ready to have a C-O-N-V-E-R-S-A-T-I-O-N.

Answer

No one alive has gotten through their days without asking themselves how to balance their sense of worthiness from themselves against whether the rest of the world makes them feel worthy.

The hard part is that in pretty much every situation, those two things are outside of our control. And much of what scares us as trans people is what is outside of our control.

The things outside of our control include the people who would harm us with their words, their fists, their votes. The people who declare themselves our allies and yet then GIVE us the terms of our existence.

Agree — or forever be denied a place at the table.

And why? I mean…wtf? They wouldn’t deny anyone else a place at the table for anything resembling the same reason. And yet the moment they discover you’ve had anything considered a transgender experience…

It’s like their empathy never existed. All because of that one. Stupid. Word.

DYSPHORIA

Your cis-gender friends, family, and enemies (sometimes one person is all three!) may not have ever had a transgender experience. They simply cannot relate when you use words like “trans.”

But that isn’t the end of empathy. Dysphoria has NOTHING to do with transgender experiences.

What does “dysphoria” have to do with being trans?

Nothing.

Well, not nothing. But not everything.

Dysphoria is now closely associated with trans experiences, but the word just means “a state of unease or dissatisfaction about life.”

Transgender experiences tend to manifest feelings of dysphoria so intense that only transitioning can alleviate them.

Having said that, people experience intense dysphoria for all sorts of reasons…

YOUR MISSION…IF YOU CHOOSE TO TRANSITION

And that is what I challenge you to challenge your cis friends to remember about themselves.

Explain that dysphoria has nothing to do with being trans. Invite them into communion over the experience of dysphoria itself — regardless of the catalyst.

Help them REMEMBER what it was like for them when a core piece of their identity came into question. It’s no secret that many people feel intense pressure to perform according to the cultural and societal expectations around their gender.

Do you want to guess what kind of tsunami you’ll face if you ask a cis man about THAT?

WHAT IF THEY SAY THEY STILL DON’T GET IT?

Fuck…

So what do you do if they tell you guess what? They still can’t empathize with you?

What if they insist that they DO get it, that it’s YOU who doesn’t understand— and they never acknowledge that if an actual trans person is telling them THEY don’t get it, then maybe, well, I don’t know…they should STFU and listen?

EMPATHY WITHOUT EMPATHY

No one can empathize with everyone and everything — not the embodied manifestation of it inside ourselves. When you empathize with someone (not merely FOR someone), it isn’t just a feeling inside you. It’s a moment of connection between the two of you. You feel as though you see them — and they feel seen in the seeing.

In the same manner, we can’t choose to make ourselves connect with what another person experiences. Sometimes, for whatever reason, our brains simply won’t click and get it.

But we can choose — just like the people struggling to empathize with transgender experiences — to practice empathy regardless of whether we feel it inside. The experience of another person doesn’t need to be an extension of ours in order for us to accept and respect that it is true for the other person.

Each one of us is worthy of that recognition, safety, and opportunity to thrive. That opportunity only comes when we are empowered to live as a manifestation of our true selves. Not the mask we put on to satisfy our abusers — but the authentic face we wear to connect with those we love.

If ThEy JuSt ReFuSe

So if the person in front of you just doesn’t get it and maybe never will —

If the person in front of you says no one gets to be who they are all the time —

If the person in front of you begins to point out all of the great sacrifices they make —

Stop to consider that for them, their sacrifice was on the same level as you pretending to be the wrong gender.

Now is the time for empathy with those who have none for you.

Let them see how sad you feel for what they gave up.

And for what?

Pose the question to them. The question that haunts all of us when we feel compelled to do something foolish…

TO WHAT END?

IT WAS AGONY

Perhaps now you can see the agony they accept as a part of existence. An agony YOU no longer need to accept as a part of yours.

Let them live in denial of their experiences of dysphoria.

For the rest of us, we rush to escape that prison.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Maybe the people who don’t get it never will. Maybe they won’t stop to empathize with you.

But I hope this helped you empathize with them. Cis and trans people BOTH experience dysphoria. The only difference is what elements trigger those experiences for a person…and whether we choose to empathize with each other anyway.

The end (of the article)

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