Dear Cat-Owner, We Have a Few Bones to Pick

Besides those annoying fish bones in the off-cuts you give us

Dear Owner who refuses to call herself our Cat-Mum,

The time has come to air our grievances with you, because it’s starting to get a bit much now.

We mean, you have given us a great life, mostly. We loved our first home with all that moorland as our garden…and so few cars. That was bliss.

But then you moved us, not once, not twice, but three times in only 9 months.

Not only that, but you left us with that old man, whom you call ‘Dad’, for a few of those months, and you know that one of us finds men a bit scary. How dare you?

And then, when you moved us to the home we are in now, although it is very cosy and you give us lots of food and somewhere to poo…and you turn on those lovely heaters that make us feel like we are heat heaven… there are a few issues that we need to raise.

For starters, there is that road outside that humans sometimes drive noisy motorbikes or Landrovers on. You said something about the windows being thin and not being allowed to change them because it’s a ‘listed building’ or something.

Don’t the Dartmoor National Park Authorities realise that there is a Highly-Sensitive Cat living here? 🙀 Well, don’t they?

Why haven’t you told them? 😾 Surely Cats Protection would stand up for us HSC’s (Highly-Sensitive Cats)and let you put double glazing in?

Cats have rights too, you know!

Anyway, that’s not what we are here to complain about today!

🐱 🐱🐱🐱🐱

The fact is that there is a certain…equilibrium…that has been missing recently.

What we mean is, that noisy beast you brought home one day in the summer. The member of that species we despise beyond all belief.

Yes, that’s right — the dog!

Well…we aren’t happy!

That’s not to say that the mutt herself has really been a problem. We confess that, despite all of our reservations and refusal to be nice to her when she first arrived, she has turned out to be alright.

Well, she does occasionally eat all of our food, even when we are in the middle of eating it ourselves. And she’s very noisy at lapping her water, unlike us refined beings.

But you (usually) refill the bowls and so we have something to eat. And otherwise, although she does sometimes take the warmest spot by the heater, we don’t really have much reason to complain about her behaviour.

What we are really concerned about is the talk we have been hearing about Christmas. Specifically, Christmas gifts.

I mean, this is her first Christmas with you, while it’s our twelfth and eleventh Christmas’s with you (respectively). And, while you have been kind and bought us some treats for Christmas, no one ever thinks to do anything more for us.

Especially not your extended family!

And yet, we are hearing talk of your family buying presents not only for you and your human children…

…but also for the dog!!!

🙀🙀

I mean, who…what…on earth…is going…on?

🙀 Is she your child as well? 🙀

You call yourself a Dog-Mum, but refuse to be our mum?

And she gets proper presents while we don’t? 😾😾

We demand a review of this decision, and we will do what it takes to get it, even if it means scratching the carpet, pissing in the corner of the living room, or pooing under the table on the landing!

Enough is enough!

CATS HAVE RIGHTS TOO!

And we will not stop until we are officially adopted and get put on everyone’s Christmas present lists.

Is that clear?

Sincerely,

Your loving fluffy-plop meow-meows, Blackie-Cat and Leela-Cat 🐾

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