Dear Abena, where is your boyfriend?
An honest letter to the ‘lonely’ girl on Val’s Day
Dearest Abena, I know it has taken me a while to write this to you but don’t look away, I promise it will be worth your while. I actually attempted writing to you around this same time last year, but as the current situation was just taking shape then, everyone was somehow so distracted and focused on it at the same time and I didn’t think you’d find enough time to read and clearly understand and appreciate what I was trying to say. But thankfully, here we are, in a stable state of sorts with the situation and yet another Valentine’s day has just whooshed past and again I hear your name ringing out all around me on the airwaves and I can’t help but pick up my keyboard and pen this love letter to you.
(245) Kabusa — Valentine is coming — YouTube
Where do I start from? Well, why not the reason for my writing to you. Yesterday, while scrolling through my favorite SocMed channel, I saw that video again. You know the one where those guys with the wonderful voices sing a choral spin on a very viral short song about the reason why you are ‘lonely’ and what not. In truth, that video is one that will give you a good laugh if you are not looking too closely at it. It is well organized, the voices and choral tones blend nicely and the visuals provided to the story-line will leave you wishing it was actually longer. It’s beyond catchy and I dare say I have caught myself either humming or singing it to myself and bobbing along to it with the necessary dance ever so often. In the original version, the song says the protagonist — let’s call him ‘buddy’ — sent you a direct message (DM) and ‘shot his shot’ about a month ago which you ignored, and as a result you have no boyfriend and are all lonely for Valentine’s Day. In fact, it says you are so lonely that you have nobody and are all on your own while your mates are getting flowers.
As I said, the song is really quite comical and fun for the casual listener but just in case you really are feeling all these feelings, I hope my words will be able to bring you some much needed comfort and perspective to not only sail through Valentine’s Day but anytime you find yourself in such a situation.
It’s okay to miss or ignore a shot
Buddy starts off his discourse by saying that he slid into your DMs about a month ago. He didn’t stop there, he went ahead and liked your picture too. He goes on to say that he shot his shot and by this I assume that Buddy is referring to the two earlier actions mentioned. While it was absolutely brave and maybe even nice of Buddy to have liked your picture and said ‘hi’ or left some other message in your direct messages, this in no way warrants him to a fast route to your heart. He had no way of knowing for sure if you even saw the message to begin with and draws quite a quick conclusion that the single message that apparently went ignored is enough to suggest that you weren’t interested. Call this a well dodged bullet Abena! If he is willing to jump to conclusions after an attempt that did not go in his favor for what ever reason, imagine what other assumptions could follow in the long run. He would be willing to give you the room to decide whether you actually were interested and probably follow up his initial attempt. If one ‘left on read’ was enough to deter him, then you are absolutely better off.
Also, everyone who proverbially ‘slides into your dms’ isn’t ‘The One’. While desperation and uncertainty may cause some to respond and quickly accept any offer that swings into their path, it is okay to take and bide your time. Find out what needs finding out or completing turn a blind eye to a request you are not particularly interested in. Yes, it is a missed opportunity but every opportunity isn’t the right one and you could be saving yourself some messy moments.
So what if you mates are getting flowers and you aren’t
‘Buddy’ doesn’t stop there, he rubs it in a bit further — your mates are getting flowers — he says. It can be quite disheartening right? When everyone else seems to be getting some form of fine attention from elsewhere and you aren’t. Even worse when it’s all over social media whenever you log in. It can, quite frankly, suck. Let’s not be completely negative here. Flowers and chocolates are really great and it is okay to smile for and ‘ooh and ahh’ over the nice things others got, and again jealousy is a very nasty color. However, some of those flowers are foxgloves and flycatchers which look pretty but are terribly poisonous and dangerous, a little like the part of Buddy he doesn’t show right away. Some of these friends or mates, as Buddy calls them, will find out a few months from now that Buddy didn’t send a DM to them alone but to many more, sent flowers to as many of those who responded as possible and is seeing all of them at the same time. Have you tried getting yourself some flowers and chocolates and crossing your legs in front of your favorite new series? No? Well, give it a try, you’ll probably like it a little too much.
Alone is not equal to lonely
Yes let’s face it Abena, you are indeed all alone for Val’s Day, but so were you three weeks ago and probably much longer before that and are going to be for a few more months or years as well. No, I’m not ‘cursing’ you. It can be scary to consider the thought of not hooking up or coupling up any time soon but it shouldn’t be. If you consider it thoroughly, there are tons of people who are very well coupled and still very well alone and probably lonely too. There are those who for fear of being alone answered too quickly to that DM and found out not too long afterwards that they were even happier alone. Many are afraid to be alone with their own self or thoughts for even a day, but there is so much to learn about one’s self in these moments which are bound to cause and encourage growth in relationships as well. One who has learned to feel at peace with quiet and solitude, is rarely ever lonely. Don’t let the world trick you into thinking that it’s only when you are in a relationship that you are actually happy. Besides, did you ever hear of Galantine’s (eyeroll)? It’s not a bad idea at all, if you really want to get together and celebrate a day with another.
Lastly, Valentine’s Day??
Yes, I’m about to rain on everyone’s parade! Why have a single day dedicated to ‘love’ when love should be an everyday thing. Instead of waiting for this highly commercialized timestamp to fall in line with the rest of the world, why not find moments here and there throughout the year to truly show yourself and others you care about, how much you really care. You will find that this day and all the hullaballoo about it comes and goes without much significance to you because for what it’s worth, love has become normalized in your life, as it should be.
As always, the choice is in your hands Abena. Being a thoughtful young person, I am sure you will come to the right decision and approach at the end of the day.
Here’s the video and a remixed version :) again as a quick reminder. [Massive credits to Mr Cocoyam, the original singer and the Kabusa Oriental Choir for their renditions]
I remain, your listening friend. Love,
K.