Dealing with Unintended Embarrassment in the Aging Years

How to ward off flubs and miscues and how to handle them when they occur

So, I walked into my local Starbucks store and asked for my favorite coffee drink. The barista, an elderly lady, asked if I wanted cream with my coffee. “Just a smidgen,” I said and then launched into my usual rant about the evils of too much.

‘Do you want to watch while I add the cream? “She asked. There was an obliging barista, which I appreciated.

Then, my retiree asked if I would like a free sample of the coffee cake for the day. “Sure,” I responded and said also: “Remind me to add a nice reward for you.”

We finished our business, and I walked out, offering profuse thanks. But I forgot the tip. I remembered while walking out but was too embarrassed to return and admit my mistake.

Unintended Embarrassment

This little faux pas, on my part, reminded me yet again of one of the downfalls of growing older: unintended embarrassments that arrive unexpectedly.

As Douglas Engelbart puts it, “The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.”

My thesis in this essay is that older people are subject to more unintended embarrassment due to various losses, like forgetfulness and errant mistakes and pratfalls.

With declines in memory and physical abilities, goofs, errors, and misjudgments become the order of the day. And, as I can attest, unhappily, they tend to increase slowly—the result: higher rates of unintended embarrassment.

Mockery and Embarrassment, Yikes

Embarrassment is a natural human emotion that arises when our individuality or inadequacy unexpectedly falls under public scrutiny.

Mockery and humiliation may follow this display; if it is a private matter, we cringe with shame and embarrassment.

As people age, many experience changes in thinking abilities, impacting decision-making and problem-solving skills.

Research suggests that older adults react to these changes by taking fewer risks and making quicker decisions.

Joe Gatto humorously and wisely said, “I don’t get embarrassed because my whole life has been one big embarrassment.”

A survey of the research literature on the frequency of unintended embarrassment for seniors revealed little. The only exception was a study that compared the performance of a sample of young people and elders on a paper and pencil test.

Impairments in Old Age

The result demonstrated that older adults performed as well as younger adults, except more slowly. “But we find there is this impaired ability in older adults to recognize an error when they’ve made one.”

The research offers new insight into how older people perceive their decisions, especially how they view their performance–whether judging their ability to drive or how regularly they believe they’ve taken medications.

The researcher asserted that “realizing fewer errors can have severe consequences because you can’t remedy an error you don’t realize you’ve committed.”

Or, in my case with the barista, I was too embarrassed to go back and admit my flub and offer restitution, which I could have done but did not.

I could have provided a remedy, but my embarrassment prevented me from doing so. The lesson?

Be prepared next time to be ready for remedial action to correct. This is one kind of accommodation.

Focusing on Prevention Strategies

As scientists explain, “Even those who do not experience dementia or mild cognitive impairment may experience subtle cognitive changes associated with aging. Normal cognitive changes can affect an older adult’s everyday function and quality of life.”

Now, it is clear why the elderly maneuver slowly and cautiously in public places: they are trying to minimize the chance of an untoward event, a disaster waiting to happen.

Unintended embarrassment can occur when others misinterpret our actions or words. For example, I could have said to the barista she must be hard up to have to work in retirement, an inappropriate remark on my part.

Luckily, I had my wits about me and did not make such a foolish comment. This reminds me of Marianne Williamson’s wise quote: “We’re often afraid of looking at our shadow because we want to avoid the shame or embarrassment that comes with admitting mistakes.”

Unintended embarrassment can also arise when unaware of local customs in a particular setting. For example, I sing in a church choir, and for one recent performance, I came dressed in a three-piece suit. Unhappily for me, the norm at this church was ‘no ties’ ever.

My goal is to reflect on these moments, develop my cognitive reserves, as explained by Dr Mehmet Yildiz in this essay, and prepare for the next move, hoping to prevent them.

Final Words

In closing, navigating through moments of unintended embarrassment can indeed be challenging, especially in our later years, where mistakes and mishaps might occur more frequently.

I‘m still learning how to cope with these unintended events. I find solace in the hope that if these moments unfold in public, the audience around me will be as forgiving as life itself.

As I continue to grapple with these unexpected turns, the lesson is clear: these moments are part of life’s unfolding script, and the key is to embrace them with grace and resilience.

Thank you for reading my story.