What kind of anger archetype are you?
Healing your anger starts with understanding that anger and the way it manifests in your life.
by: E.B. Johnson
Our anger is a complex emotion, and one that can derail us completely if not closely managed. Anger can rear its head any time we suffer a slight or setback, resulting in irritation, annoyance and even self-pity or envy. When we’re angry, we either fill the room with dominance or implode with anxiety and avoidance. Anger is a multi-dimensional emotion and learning how to master it takes a lot of self-reflecting.
Generally, feelings of rage or anger manifest on two planes: the emotional plane and the physiological plane. Getting control of our anger comes down to learning to face our issues coming to an understanding with ourselves that’s founded on respect and understanding. Regain control of your life by regaining control of your anger. It’s never too late to change.
The 4 anger archetypes.
While every case is different, there are usually 4 ways in which we express our anger. These range anywhere from explosive shows of violent rage to passive-aggressive bouts of silent spells. No matter how they’re expressed, the key to getting to the root of your rage starts with understanding your anger archetype and the way this emotion manifests in your life.
The Exploder
The Exploder is the anger archetype that we all imagine when we hear that someone is an “angry person”. This is the person who expresses their anger overtly, resorting to verbally and even physically explosive reactions which highlight an underlying dysregulation of emotion.
A person who expresses their anger in this manner is both agitating and direct in addressing their issues and the conflicts that have led them to a boiling point.
They might slam doors, raise their voice, point fingers or even interrupt, dominate and disagree. The Exploder is someone who overreacts because they know no other way to be. Their rage, however, can be dangerous and is often corrosive to their closest relationships.
The Diplomat
If there is an “ideal” type of anger, this would be it — but it still has some downsides that can degrade our wellbeing over time. The Diplomat approaches their anger from a relatively calm and direct manner, which can be viewed by others as controlled yet assertive (in the right situations). The problem tends to be, however, that The Diplomat will often override their own feelings in sacrifice for a sense of noble compromise.
The Passive-Aggressive
This is one of the most toxic forms of anger and one that rears its ugly head commonly in our romantic and professional relationships. Passive-aggressive anger occurs when someone becomes angry but refuses to address their issues directly. Instead, they engage in manipulative or contrary behaviors, which do not match up with their words (making it hard to respond in an appropriate manner.)
The Passive-Aggressive indirectly attacks the target of their anger, spreading their misery and bitterness by acting like they’re not angry while simultaneously dropping snide remarks or shutting out the other party. Their ambiguity is not only confusing, but irritating and their fury is never resolved because they can’t even be honest about it with themselves.
This anger archetype is a common one, but a toxic one. Passive-aggressive behavior is a type of learned helplessness that can be hard to overcome without some brutal honesty. The Passive-Aggressive is a person who likes to ruminate, but rumination is ruinous. If you want to get past your anger, you have to stay in the present — a challenge for the person who is uncomfortable facing even their most basic emotions.
The Avoidant
The Avoidant is one who has a reflexive tendency to internalize their anger, burying it down deep until they emotionally implode. They are evasive and distant, repressing their emotions in a toxic manner that not only destroys their sense of self, but their closest relationships as well.
We all know someone with this anger archetype. The Avoidant is the one who walks away from confrontation or suppresses their difficult thoughts and feelings. Even when they mean well, they can often exacerbate a conflict by hiding when the going gets tough. While avoid resolutions might feel like a resolution — it’s not. We have to work through our problems in order to find peace with them.
When The Avoidant refuses to fess up to their issues or face up to the conflict going on around them, they force others to step up to the plate; exerting pressure which only makes the situation worse than it was before. The Avoidant might believe that their inaction is the opposite of explosive anger, but it’s not. It’s a path to internalizing and it’s a path to depression, anxiety and worse.
The best techniques for dealing with anger.
There are millions of self-help articles out there that will tell you how to deal with your anger, but all too often they miss the importance of digging deep into the self in order heal the deep well of emotion that gives root to our rage. Over come your anger by knowing your triggers, mastering the art of reappraisal and embracing the anger that plagues your life.
1. Learn how to respond.
Learning how to respond to ourselves (and others) is key in discovering meaningful ways to deal with our anger. No matter what the situation might be, you can always respond with greater insight, courage and skill. We may not be able to control the people around us, and we may not be able to control our emotions all the time. We can, however, control our responses and the way we react to hardship or upset in our lives.
When confronted with a challenging or upsetting situation, take a step back and give yourself some time to process before you respond. Slow down your reactions and use the time to identify the unnecessary or negative self-talk and agitations that are maximizing your emotions and making the situation worse.
Try to substitute cool and rational thoughts for the heated or agitated ones, and find yourself a safe and relaxing space in which to gather your thoughts or express yourself. Before you make any moves, analyze the cost benefits of your anger. Will it do you any good to respond now? What about tomorrow? When your anger has cooled? Work on your ability to empathize in the midst of a conflict and you’ll be able to form better responses when angry moments arise.
2. Identify your triggers; know the signs.
Identifying the triggers that bring out the best (and worst) of our emotions is key in navigating the challenges of day-to-day life. If you can identify the triggers that make you angry, you can learn to avoid them. You also have to know the other more subtle sings too, as well as the physiological warnings that your anger is taking over.
Some of the most common warning signs of a brewing anger issue or conflict are:
- Pacing
- Tight chest
- Shaking
- Pounding heart
- Gritting the teeth
- Anxiety
- Snappy or defensive responses
- Dramatic mood swings
- Argumentative behavior
- Over-criticizing (everything)
- Raising the voice
- Overreacting
- Sweating
While symptoms can differ from person to person, these core symptoms are the same and can lead on to other serious health issues like depression, chronic anxiety and even chronic pain.
Until we learn how to identify our emotions, as well as the triggers that inspire the worst in us — we will struggle and founder to cope and respond in a world that’s increasingly hostile. Recognize your triggers and know the signs so you can walk away when the time comes. Protecting yourself means knowing yourself. So, know yourself.
3. Practice mindful journaling.
Because our anger is such a complex emotion, it can stem from a lot of different places. Dealing with our anger is much easier when we know where it comes from, and practicing mindful journaling can help us accomplish that. Journaling is a safe and judgement-free space in which to express our most intimate heartbreaks and emotions and that can mean a lot when you’re rooting around down in the bottom of your authentic self.
Keeping a journal allows you to become more aware of what’s going on behind your anger. Record the feelings you experience and then record what factors helped contribute to that anger. Once you’ve got all that down, take some time recording your response, and how you felt after everything played out.
Write down the thoughts that were going through your head. Reflect on these instances and try to recognize what patterns you might be repeating through it all. Though we are not always responsible for the events that lead to our anger, we are responsible for the way we handle our response. Get to the root of your anger issues by practicing some mindful journaling which allows you to untangle the twisted web of your anger and unhappiness.
4. Master the art of reappraisal.
One of the most powerful techniques when it comes to dealing with our anger is the masterful art of reappraisal. According to various research, changing your beliefs about a situation is key to changing the emotions that you feel; redirecting them to more beneficial channels instead.
When we learn how to reinterpret our stress as excitement, we can actually keep our brains from getting worked up — thus keeping ourselves in a more balanced, rational place. When we bottle things up, we tell ourselves “this is all my fault, I could have prevented this situation,”, but when we reappraise we tell ourselves, “they’re having a bad day. This isn’t a reflection on me.”
This kind of reprogramming of our thoughts can cause angry feelings to plummet and good feelings to increase. This technique also helps you to let go of the baggage that isn’t yours, and allows you to start focusing on your own life instead.
Learning how to master the art of reappraisal leads to better relationships and greater overall wellbeing, but it also has the power to increase our self-determination and the confidence that we cradle deep down in our cores. If you can change how you mentally represent your thoughts, you’ll find your way back to happiness. It takes a conscious choice, though — every single day.
5. Embrace and own your emotions.
Pretending that you’re not angry does no good for you or the people around you. Acknowledging our anger is not the same as acting on it. In order to resolve our emotions, we have to embrace them, and we have to own up to them and the uncomfortable way they link up to our past traumas and heartbreaks.
Admit that you’re upset — both to yourself and the person you’re upset with — but do it in a calm and detached way which places no blame at anyone’s feet. Instead, address as though it is a simple black and white fact that just is. Validate your feelings by acknowledging them and your right to feel them. Only when you accept your feelings can you empower yourself to change them and the circumstances in your life that are causing unhappiness.
6. Break things down.
Unfortunately, our emotions don’t always manifest in manageable and bite-sized chunks. When it rains, it pours, and that can leave us feeling overwhelmed and unable to process the complex array of feelings that are washing over us again and again. That’s why it’s important to break things down when we’re feeling angry, so we can deal efficiently with the problems that plague us.
Jot down your thoughts as they come and try to use them to get some clarity on how they’re preceding your feelings. By writing down your emotions, rather than just wrestling with them in your head, you can work through the situation and start to identify the steps you need to take to get happy again.
Deal with one emotion at a time and make sure you separate your big issues into smaller, easier-to-tackle ones. Prioritize the things that need to be dealt with first against the things that aren’t so important. Putting your feelings into words can make them more tangible and therefore more manageable, but you can’t take everything on at once. Break things down and resolve your anger one step at a time.
7. Shake it out.
Anger isn’t just an emotional state of mind, it has a big physical impact on us as well. No matter what anger archetype you might be, exercise and movement are one of the best ways to get relief from these complicated emotions.
Channel your rage into an activity that helps you to relieve tension. You can start with a small exercise like clenching and unclenching your muscles slowly, then slowly graduate to more full-on activities such as running, boxing, dancing or kickboxing. There’s no wrong way to physically express your anger within these active and productive channels — short of not expressing it at all.
When we give the physical impulses that accompany our rage somewhere positive to go, we cool and calm those impulses while at the same time cooling our own conflicting emotions. Even primal screams and raging tears can be helpful and letting out all that pent up energy; the more creative the better.
Take some deep breaths and slow down your breathing. This too shall pass, but you need to address the situation fully, not just follow your emotions. Emotions are nice and necessary, but they aren’t always right. Redirect their energies and find your way back to happiness.
8. Share (with caution).
Sharing our emotions with a trusted friend or family member can be cathartic. It can also offer a new perspective to an old problem, allowing us to identify creative opportunities to overcome our issues that we may not have been able to see before.
While a problem shared is a problem halved, not everyone is equipped to deal with difficult emotions or conflicts. It’s important to share your confidence wisely and only confide in those who have been proven to have your best interests at heart.
Putting it all together…
Anger is a complex emotion and one that can be hard to overcome. It is possible to get to the root of our anger, however, by knowing (and understanding) what kind of anger archetype we are. This knowledge to hand, it’s possible to formulate the plans we need to get past our anger. Using a few simple techniques, we can find happiness again, but it takes time and it takes some major perseverance.
Learn how to respond to your anger in measured and efficient ways that make it easier for you connect and relate to those around you. Break problems down into smaller, more manageable bits and embrace and own up to your issues in a way that allows you address them openly and honestly. Only when we learn how to understand and correct our anger can we find our way back to joy, but it takes a conscious decision every day. Are you going to be happy today, or angry today? The choice is yours — and yours alone.
