Dealing With Imposter Syndrome and Self-Defeating Behaviors
How to appreciate yourself a little bit more
I’ve been told a lot of times that I’m being too hard on myself. It probably started 19 years ago. Kindergarten. Big Crayola. Nickelodeon lunch box. Annoying boys who open restroom doors for fun. I got my first report card. I was top of the class. Not everybody liked me for that but they liked me enough to celebrate my fifth birthday party at school. They even came with presents.
Two years in kindergarten and six years in elementary school. I excelled each year; joining quiz bees, speech contests, junior press conferences, science camps, and yes, even pageants. My mom displayed all the medals and ribbons I received at home from then on.
High school started. You can still say I was an achiever. I continued to actively join competitions. For some reason, most of them involved singing, dancing, or performing on stage, and of course anything that involved writing. This made me later realize that I have a great passion for the arts and my worst subject was Math.
Around my third year in high school, I started questioning my academic performance. I felt that I didn’t deserve to belong to the higher-ranked students in our class. I thought that I was just lucky to get very good grades. Maybe the teachers just liked me. Maybe I was just good at guessing multiple-choice answers and memorization. These thoughts occasionally crossed my mind until I finally graduated.
How My Imposter Syndrome Progressed
The greatest twist in my story came when I decided to take an engineering degree in college. Initially, I was a psychology major but I doubted myself so much to the point that I felt ashamed of having good remarks in class. I didn’t want to excel anymore and wanted to focus on my weakness: dealing with numbers.
I took the entrance exam at a different university and passed the qualification for the engineering program. The first semester proved that I will definitely struggle a lot in this pursuit. I got below-average grades on my math subjects as expected.
I tried really hard but I still felt like an imposter. I studied but often alone. I rarely asked for help because I was afraid of being asked back. My constant fear was not being able to answer confidently or comprehensive enough to be understood. I was also afraid of being exposed that I didn’t really know anything about calculus or differential equations and that I truly didn’t fit in the engineering world.
I found comfort at the thought that I’m a normal student. I didn’t excel anymore. My parents questioned my grades but didn’t insist nor push me to be an achiever. They understood my struggle yet somehow they still saw me as the gifted, intelligent child that they knew when I didn't.
After five years of college, we needed to prepare for the licensure examination. It was almost six months of preparation. We enrolled in review courses in the capital. I lived in a dormitory for the first time in my life at 21.
I seldom joined group review sessions and remained self-reliant in my studies. But no matter how much effort I put into reviewing, I always seem to think it is not enough. I constantly convinced myself that I will fail the examination.
The moment of truth came. Three days of examination. Waiting for the results.
The calm. The dread.
“I wasn’t meant to become an engineer anyway.”
Days later, I saw my name on the list of passers. I couldn’t believe it.
I got my first job a few months later and I still couldn’t believe it.
At work, everything seemed so foreign and difficult to learn. There were big expectations in terms of work output. Most of the time, I felt very stupid for not knowing how to do a certain task. I always had the nagging thought in my head that sooner or later, my supervisor or colleagues will think I don’t deserve the job.
Like an actor in a role of a pilot, wearing the uniform and making sunny cabin announcements while being utterly incapable of even starting the engines.
-The Imposter Syndrome, The School Of Life
After a year, I left the company. I took the time to reflect on my feelings and experiences. Later on, I found out that I was dealing with what is termed as ‘imposter syndrome’. It is described by a feeling of extreme inadequacy and self-doubt which makes someone think that they are a fraud, more frequently in terms of their career. It was even found in a 2017 survey that a third of millennials suffer imposter syndrome in their workplaces.
Now, I am pursuing a master’s degree in the same field but I learned to take it easy on myself. I even started writing as a part-time job, something that I’ve also wanted to do for a long time.
Some days, I still question myself but it has definitely become easier to cope.
Coping With Imposter Syndrome and Other Self-Defeating Tendencies
Once I was able to read and research more about imposter syndrome, I became at ease in trying to address it. Knowing that there is a term for this condition is already a relief and one small step ahead to healing.
Because of the awareness that I had about imposter syndrome, I began to go into a deeper self-introspection.
As I narrate my story, I am able to connect certain moments in my life that could’ve contributed greatly to my self-doubt. I was an over-achiever during my childhood and even though I found comfort in my later years at being an underachiever, I was still a perfectionist to a degree.
Accepting that about myself, I started to adopt an “all is flawed” mindset.
We are so rooted in the idea that everyone else is living a perfect life. We see them free from struggle and flaws but the truth is everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is a little clumsy when they’re doing something for the first time. We are little awkward beans making our way through life. We are so focused on letting others see the best part of ourselves that we even forget to admit our own mistakes.
This starts a vicious cycle. If we fail to say “I don’t know that but I would like to learn.”, people then start to have the same expectations as you have of yourself. As you might often hear them say, “You should know that by now.”
In order to break this pattern, I realized that the key is to be kinder to yourself.
Everyone started out as a beginner. If you don’t know how to do something, it’s best to voice it out. It’s okay not knowing sometimes. Give yourself room to make mistakes and not feel ashamed about it. Apologize but don’t beat yourself for it. This will take a great toll on your mental health in the long run.
As I started being kinder to myself, I made it a habit to celebrate small victories.
Even if it is finishing one out of a hundred tasks at work, it’s worth a self pat on the back. Learn to appreciate your efforts a little bit more. What matters is you learn something each day.
Lastly, I convinced myself to be brave enough to start talking about it.
By writing and initiating difficult conversations, I was able to untangle the knots in my mind regarding my own demons and self-deprecating tendencies. This also gave me a chance to know that our struggles don’t differ that much and that imposter syndrome is a common condition that a lot of us experience.
A good reminder to anyone who has been dealing with the same struggle is that what you’ve achieved now is a product of your continued efforts and hard work.
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.