SELF IMPROVEMENT
Dealing with Criticism — Consider it as Condiments on Your Table
Accept feedback graciously, but don’t let it hit your self-esteem
Feedback is everywhere, from performance appraisals to code reviews. We are supposed to learn and grow through feedback. Further, feedback is often used as a synonym for criticism. Even if embellished with ‘constructive’, criticism doesn’t get sweeter.
Think about it. When was the last time you loved feedback? Did you get inspired to make a change? Or did you feel like you were back in school?
In his famous book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie wrote rule #1: do not criticise, condemn or complain.
He argued that even the most hardened criminals don’t accept that they have done something wrong; how could mere mortals like us accept our tiniest mistakes?
He further wrote that honest, sincere appreciation yields better results.
You can follow Dale’s advice and refrain from criticising (trust me, it is tough). What if you are on the receiving end of criticism?
First, stop using the word criticism in your head. Whenever you are criticised, term it as feedback. It is just information that you may or may not use.
Here are some tricks which have helped me deal with criticism.
Don’t feel defensive
Here is an analogy that will help you avoid feeling defensive.
Imagine you ordered soup at a restaurant. On the table, there is ketchup (or tomato sauce if you are in Australia), soy sauce, mustard, sriracha, chilli sauce, Worcestershire sauce etc. You are free to add whatever you prefer. It’s your soup, and you have the right to eat it the way you want.
Now, your friend insists that you must add soy sauce. You may try it and like it, or say thanks but add hot sauce instead.
Once you’ve trained yourself to look at feedback as condiments on a table, you can go to the next step.
Don’t take it personally
Here is another analogy.
You are driving on a highway and veer a bit towards the side. You hit the rumble strip, realise your mistake and get back into the lane. Would you take it personally and deride yourself for being a lousy driver? Would your self-esteem drop to a new low?
What if you were intentionally changing lanes? Would the rumble strip shock you into giving up your intentions? Probably not.
If someone is giving you feedback, that means they care. They may not like you or even be your friend, but they do care enough to take the time to tell you their opinion. Thank them for their effort and accept the feedback as helpful information, just like the rumble strip.
Remember that the feedback is just a reaction to your performance and not your abilities. On top of that, the reaction is from the other person’s perspective and tainted with their biases. It is not an absolute truth.
Be sincere and consider the information you just received. Is this a perspective that you missed? Is there new information that would give you more clarity on the situation? Once you have analysed the feedback, you can either take action and make the required changes or leave it aside.
Responding to criticism
People who provide feedback often expect your agreement and response. Arguing with them is futile.
If you need clarity on the feedback, ask questions, but don’t get into an argument.
Whether the feedback is helpful or not, thank people for their time and effort.
Most importantly, tell them that you will combine their feedback with the feedback you received from others and your own knowledge and research. This will free you from the need to justify how you used (or not used) their feedback.
Final Thoughts
It doesn’t matter how successful someone gets; criticism is bound to follow. Even top athletes like Michael Jordan or successful entrepreneurs like Bill Gates are criticised.
Consider criticism as condiments on a table and do not take it personally. Analyse the feedback, and act if appropriate.
Remember to thank them and let them know that their feedback is a valuable factor in making things better.
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