Dealing With A Sense Of Betrayal
Why we need to let go and forgive
Have you ever discovered people that you love and trust have been talking about you behind your back?
How did it feel? How did you react?
Recently this happened to me. At first, I felt hurt and betrayed.
Then I remembered that I have done the same thing to others, though thankfully not very often recently. I remembered also that both the Bible and the Quran teach us to forgive, and if possible forget.
Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven. — Luke 6:37
O you who believe, your spouses and your children can be your enemies; beware. If you pardon, forget, and forgive, then GOD is Forgiver, Most Merciful. — Quran 64:14
Though the last verse specifies nuclear family members, Quran’s 45:14 speaks of forgiving all “who do not expect the days of God.”
Doing a bit more research I found that most of the world’s main religions stress forgiveness.
Forgiveness is considered one of the six cardinal virtues in the Hindu Dharma.
Buddhists believe forgiveness necessary for attaining personal peace.
Confucius taught “Those who cannot forgive others break the bridge over which they themselves must pass.”
Why Forgive?
This helps us in many ways. And it stops us from burning bridges with others — bridges that we all need. As human beings, we need each other. Humans are social creatures. We are happiest with friends and family around us. We enjoy sharing experiences and talking about them later.
Personally, long intimate talks with dear friends fulfill needs in me that nothing else can touch. A hug, or hand squeeze, or handshake, or even a compassionate look can make a world of difference to me and to others I’ve seen.
Sometimes I am the giver and sometimes the receiver of forgiveness and sometimes just the witness. But in all cases I can sense positive energy released.
Jonathan Foiles LCSW in his article on the Psychology Today website entitled Do Humans Need Each Other? (April of this year):
Withdrawal from all social contact can be a symptom of a variety of mental illnesses, but what counts as ‘enough’ social contact can vary wildly from person to person.
He quotes the late Senator John McCain, who shared that the worst torture he endured in Vietnam was solitary confinement:
“It’s an awful thing, solitary. It crushes your spirit and weakens your resistance more effectively than any other form of mistreatment.” — John McCain
Then from his own experience Foiles shares:
“Solitary confinement often brings on hallucinations, mood swings, and loss of impulse control, among other horrors. Having worked with several individuals who were incarcerated in solitary confinement for long periods, I can tell you that the symptoms don’t go away once a person is released. At one time I saw a patient who had been out of prison for five years but still hid in his apartment anytime he heard police sirens. But these sort of struggles aren’t limited to prisoners; research has shown that hospital patients confined to strict bed rest often begin to experience the same sort of troubles.”
Clearly our need for meaningful human interaction makes us prone to several ailments when that need remains neglected for whatever reason. But just being physical with other people is not enough or long term hospital patients who have nursing staff around them 24/7 would not exhibit the same symptoms as those who are incarcerated in solitary confinement. It appears we need more than casual interaction for optimal mental health. Additionally, our mental health also affects physical well-being.
According to research reported by Sarah DiGiulio in NBC News’s web newsletter Better, human brains need other people around to function at their best.
I noticed this years ago when writing computer code for a living. I definitely preferred and was more productive working in an environment with other coders around rather than off by myself.
For me, it is now more than worth swallowing my pride to keep good relations with old friends who may have offended me but really probably only wanted to help me in the first place.
According to the article Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It, on John Hopkins Medicine website, forgiveness is crucial to good health:
“There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,” says Karen Swartz, M.D. , director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital. Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response . Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.
Farther down in the article it indicates that we can train ourselves to be more forgiving, and gives helpful suggestions on doing so. And they list big rewards for deeply forgiving:
[Those who can forgive] tend to be more satisfied with their lives and to have less depression, anxiety, stress, anger and hostility.
So the benefits are to both emotional and physical health.
Personally I have also found spiritual benefits. Initially, I learned of this from the most spiritually developed person I ever knew. He taught us that we can use such events as others backbiting, gossiping about us, or being angry with us as ways to subdue and eventually demolish our egos.
“Ego” in this case does not refer to the sense of self that most English speakers associate with that word, but rather to the aspect of us that keeps us from surrendering to our Higher Power, whether you call that power God or Yahweh or the universe or Lord of Life, etc.
It can also be defined as our egotistical part — the part that makes us feel better than others.
When I can quiet the constant clamoring of my ego, life becomes much more peaceful and content. From my watching two people who I believe truly demolished their egos, life may become a taste of what we can hope for in paradise.
As for me, as long as that ego is still alive and kicking I remain in this earthly realm. If I allow it to get too active, life becomes hell itself. I may not recognize it at the time, because the ego has a way of self-justification, but once things calm down all becomes clear. Thankfully continued spiritual work has allowed my real self — that which many call the soul and others the conscience or intellect — to strengthen and the ego to weaken.
If I can just remember all this when something begins to inflame my ego, I save myself a tremendous amount of pain and energy — energy that can go to positive and enjoyable living instead.
Thank you for reading. I’m Lisa Spray and I am having a great time writing and interacting with others here on Medium. Poetry, prose, a bit of fiction is what I write — along with a number of responses. I’d love to read your response.
I have published books relating to my faith and helped begin The Heart Of Quran, a publication for Muslims and anyone interested in dialogue. Our stories are available to all, so please feel free to visit us at any time. We would love it should you even decide to write to us.
Peace and only the best to you!