Dealing With a Break-up
It has not been a great last couple of weeks for my closest friend. He recently ended a long-term relationship with his girlfriend, and he is heartbroken. I found this interesting because I thought he would be fine. After all, he decided to end things.
However, he is worse off than she is. Being nosey, he logged into her Instagram, and he saw the unspeakable. He found her talking to another guy like nothing happened. Unfortunately for him, his curiosity led him to the exact place he did not want to be in, more pain and anger.
To shield himself, he kindly asked her to change her password, and he did the same. Completely detached from her, he called me, almost in tears, asking why she would do this. After working so hard on their relationship, it only took a couple of weeks for her to get over him.
He was distraught, and all he could think about was her. He spent the last year and a half building with her, only for it to all go down the drain.
I have been monitoring his behaviour over the last couple of weeks to see his response to the break-up. As his main point of contact throughout this time, I have seen his moods change drastically. It has been about three weeks since the break-up, but he made up his mind about a week before that.
So, in the space of four weeks, I have seen one of my closest friends go on a roller coaster of emotions. And all of them have led me to write this short article on the four stages I have observed. I have also had time to reflect on what he could have done better at each stage.
Stage 1: Going Cold
On the day he was planning to break up with her, my friend was in his zone. He knew what he was going to say and why he was going to say it. At that moment, he believed he was making one of the best decisions in his life.
Once he broke up with her, he called me and told me everything. I was surprised at how ruthless he was. It was almost like the girl he had fallen in love with became a blank wall. He had no emotion attached to her anymore.
Going cold is the best way to put it. By using his anger and hurt from the situation, he created a shield around himself to stop anything from getting in his way. There was no time to second guess or go back on what he had just done. He was over, and that was that.
However, I found that his going cold clouded his judgement. The more I asked him questions about the situation, the angrier he got. He would just say things like, “I don’t care. I have made my decision.” During this time, he was difficult to speak to and could not communicate his thoughts.
I do not think we can avoid this stage. It is natural to feel like this when angry or rejected. It makes us feel better as we tell ourselves we did not care, anyway.
The best thing to do at this stage is to acknowledge that these feelings will soon wither away. And that we are in a responsive state, so we may not be thinking as straight as we could be.
When you feel dizzy or unwell, you do not carry on like everything is okay. You slow down and try to get some rest if possible. So, do the same here. Take a deep breath and acknowledge the fact that this is not your best you.
Stage 2: Justifying Your Beliefs
As he began to warm up a little, he started coming to his senses. He did not like it, but he began listening to the thoughts going through his head that he blocked out. Things like:
- Was it necessary?
- Could you have done anything better?
- Are you being too hard on her?
The interesting part of this stage was that he was always right. No matter what question he asked himself or I asked, he would always put himself in the right. And he did this by justifying his beliefs about her.
He would say things like, “I always knew she was like this because…” or “I remember that time she did…”. At this stage, he was always the victim of his partner’s evil qualities.
This stage is easy to slip into, especially because we never want to be seen as wrong. However, with some rational thought, it is easy to overcome.
You can do this by asking:
“If the person was that bad, why were you with them in the first place?”
The question forces your brain to defend itself against looking stupid. After all, if someone was that bad for you, it would be stupid to stay. Instead, your brain will think of the reasons you persevered.
That way, you add more balance to the argument and are quicker to move to stage three.
Stage 3: Appreciating What You Had
This stage was short but sweet. Once my friend recognised it was not all bad, he began to appreciate what he had. I remember him calling me randomly in the middle of the day and reminded me how fortunate I was.
At this stage, he admitted he missed what he had with her. Although this stage made him hurt more, it taught him a lesson about being grateful.
I think this stage is mandatory, and one should try to stay in this stage for as long as it lasts. It stops making you see your time with this person as wasted and reminds you to be grateful. It is through this gratitude you can start being happy for yourself and the other person.
Not to mention, I think that this stage is vital for the final stage.
Stage 4: Recovery
My friend soon realised that there is a lot to be thankful for in life. Although he does not have what he was focussing on for so long, he still has friends and family around him.
At this stage, you learn that life will have its up’s and downs, but there will always be something to be grateful for. All you have to do is stop focussing so much on the misfortune, and turn your eyes to everywhere else.
This is the stage that everyone wishes to be at after a breakup, and eventually will be. At this point, you are free to move on from your misfortune and pursue the finer things in life.
In Closing
I believe that these four stages do not just need to apply to a break-up. You may have just lost a job or rejected. When we feel rejected, it is essential to remember these four stages.
The faster we can appreciate what we had, the quicker we can begin to recover.
