Deadly Dialogue

Summary

The content discusses the author's struggle with emotional overeating, rooted in childhood hunger and trauma, and the negative internal dialogue that perpetuates this cycle.

Abstract

The article delves into the concept of "deadly dialogue," an internal monologue that torments the author with memories of past hunger and trauma, leading to a cycle of overeating and guilt. Despite having access to food, the author's brain continues to signal hunger, causing a relapse into eating "all the wrong stuff." The dialogue, which is both relentless and destructive, begins before meals and continues afterward, contributing to feelings of unworthiness and self-sabotage. The author describes the physical sensation of hunger pains and the psychological battle with self-judgment and shame that follows episodes of overeating. The narrative turns hopeful as the author recounts the beginning of their transformation, acknowledging their past and learning to love themselves, thus starting to break free from the cycle of emotional overeating.

Opinions

The author believes that the "deadly dialogue" is a significant obstacle to becoming healthier.
There is an opinion that hunger pains are not just physical but also trigger intense psychological trauma.
The author suggests that the internal dialogue is a form of self-sabotage that repeats messages of unworthiness and guilt.
It is conveyed that overcoming the "deadly dialogue" is a slow but worthwhile process.
The author expresses that recognizing the impact of past trauma is crucial in the journey towards self-love and healing.
The author encourages readers to join Medium through their referral link, indicating a belief in the value of sharing personal experiences and life lessons with a wider audience.

Attacks me over and over again!

Photo by Stormseeker on Unsplash

The deadly dialogue hovers like a helicopter. Threatening to destroy any logical thoughts. Looming like a rattler, ready to kill any defiant thoughts. Jabbing like a prizefighter back and forth. Seeking to keep me distracted. Attempting to keep me off balance. Holding me prisoner within my own thoughts.

As a child, we moved around a lot. We lived in our car, at the bus station or anywhere that was available. Food was limited but the roaches were not. There was never enough food. We were always hungry.

Today I am never lacking in food. I have not “starved” for many years. I can have any food in any quantity that I desire. I can have whatever food, whenever. It seems that I would no longer have these constant cravings. Really? Not how my brain works.

The deadly dialogue attacks me over and over again. The negative repartee tortures me with intense memories of my trauma. The repetitive dialogue is simply overwhelming.

Some people don’t realize that hunger pains are real. They are very real. Hunger pains are caused by strong contractions of the stomach when it’s empty. My stomach would contract as I waited for my next serving of food. Any food. Just something to stop the pain.

Each time that I eat, my stomach signals my brain the same message: “Is that all there is?” Like a stalker, the signal taunts me: “Who knows when I can eat something like this again? Better to enjoy it now. It may not be here tomorrow.”

So I give up and I eat all the wrong stuff. This constant cycle continues during each meal. I give in and I give up. Then the guilt begins to surface. My list of judgments and negative comments begin to gnaw at me: “What is wrong with you?” or “You are a grown person and still you can’t control yourself.”

The malicious comments continue to race around inside my brain. Next, the shame bubbles up and the dread creeps in. The destructive chatter continues until I quiet it with a bowl of ice cream. The cycle continues with more food. Any food that helps me feel whole again. Until the next time.

The deadly dialogue prevents me from taking steps to become healthier. There is this incessant conversation in my head. This conversation begins before every meal. It continues throughout my meal and after my meal. The type of dialogue that goes nowhere because there’s no one around to hear it.

The deadly dialogue began when I was a child and it still haunts me today. The deadly dialogue made me feel unworthy and less than. It is a vicious cycle of sabotage. The voices continue to repeat: “I should be better by now.” or “There is no reason to keep overeating.” The shame and guilt threaten to overwhelm me. I try not to listen but the more I hear, the more I eat.

My transformation began when I stood up against the deadly dialogue. Suddenly I realized what I survived. I still cry when I remember what happened to me. I know it was not my fault and I am learning to love myself.

Now I know how to destroy the deadly dialogue. It’s a slow process but I am worth it. I am ready to leave the past behind and move forward with my life.

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Emotional Overeating

Deadly Dialogue

Attacks me over and over again!