Summary

A man in a sexless and loveless marriage recounts his journey of personal transformation, failed attempts at reviving his relationship through weight loss and counseling, and his ultimate decision to leave his wife for a woman who makes him feel alive again.

Abstract

The author shares a deeply personal account of his struggles within a marriage devoid of intimacy and affection. Despite his efforts to improve the relationship, including significant weight loss and participation in couples counseling, his wife remains unresponsive and disinterested. The lack of physical and emotional connection leads him to spiral into depression, causing weight gain and increased alcohol consumption. Seeking a change, he finds companionship and passion through an affair partner, which reignites his zest for life. Realizing that he deserves better, he chooses to leave his unhappy marriage, embracing a future with a woman who appreciates and desires him, ultimately finding his soulmate.

Opinions

The author believes that mental abuse, while different from physical abuse, can be equally damaging.
He initially attributes the lack of intimacy in his marriage

Deadbedroom Bruises; Which Wounds Hurt More?

The ones you see or the ones you don’t see?

First, I am not belittling physical abuse in any way; it is heinous, and there is no place for it. However, mental abuse, I think, can have a telling toll too.

My story starts ten-plus years ago when I was a younger guy; ok, I was younger but in my 30s when I met my current deadbed/roommate.

I tried so hard.

Lost 70 pounds through diet, daily swimming, and weight lifting over seven months to be at my best for the wedding day. I looked by far the best of our courtship; I figured she would appreciate it.

I was wrong.

Flashback to the wedding night, NO sex… 18 days in Hawaii, all first class, great restaurants, excursions, etc., and sex once! And not a fuck fest, like with my lover; it was a little better than a quick lousy bang.

The “are you done yet?” type of sex. You know the kind.

So my depression eating and drinking began, and I put 20 pounds back on during this lonely glorified “honeymoon.”

Over the next five years, I gained back all my weight plus twenty extra pounds for good measure. Our sex life which fell to about 2–3 times a year, put me into a mild depression, and I drank a little too much to cope, although not to an alcoholic level.

Now into the once-a-year sex segment of my marriage, I lost a hundred pounds and exercise in the hope of winning my wife’s attention, passion, and love. And still, no appreciation or desire from my partner, and no more sex. This makes me feel like I am not enough and not attractive.

Perhaps I am a lousy lover?

I self doubted myself on everything trying to justify my mistreatment and neglect.

In the last three years, I am now fit and in the best shape of my life. We have been in couples counseling for most of these three years, and she will not change. Still no desire for me. I took matters into my own hands; I wore my hands out masturbating for decades. So, instead, I turned to Ashley Madison after 24 months of failed counseling to see if I could find an affair partner. Not knowing what I was looking for, of course.

Only that the path I was on was losing. I needed a change.

I met someone who made me feel alive again and made me rethink myself. She showed a desire for me and proved I wasn’t the misfit toy; my roommate was. Friends of mine said, “Hey, you sound like you did 20 years ago, full of zest and fun; we didn’t want to mention that you sounded kind of dead six months ago.” I even felt younger!

I have decided to leave my loveless, sexless, non-intimate, unhappy house.

Even if I go alone, I know I will be happier by getting away from the negative aspects of my life. But, if you are like me and in your 50s, and you know what you are looking for, if you find it, you grab hold of it and never look back. Fortunately, I found my soulmate while not looking, and I am playing to win the next twenty years with her.

My scars were hidden by wine, bourbon, spending on things I didn’t need, and momentary happiness. Others use makeup to hide physical abuse. I am not sure which is worse, but I decided I am done being treated this way. The wounds you don’t see hurt.

I’m erasing my dead bedroom bruises.

This is my story, and typing this out has made me feel better about my decision.

I hope this helps someone.

A special thank you to MonalisaSmiled; who always untangles my mangled thoughts and makes them shine.