Peek Into A Group For Violent Men

Summary

A group therapy session for men who have committed acts of violence against their partners reveals the complex dynamics of denial, justification, and gradual acknowledgment of abuse.

Abstract

The excerpt from the group session delves into the self-justifying narrative of a man who admits to physically pushing his wife but initially denies more severe abuse. As the dialogue unfolds, he is confronted by other group members about his dishonesty and the extent of his violence, which includes slapping and kicking. The man grapples with shame and resentment, blaming his wife for changes in her behavior and the subsequent loss of contact with his children due to a court order. The group challenges his defensive posture, urging him to acknowledge the full scope of his actions and their impact on his wife and children. The conversation touches on the influence of family, particularly the man's mother, who seemingly condones his behavior, and the irony of his lack of respect for his wife, the mother of his children, contrasting with his belief in respecting his own mother.

Opinions

The man initially minimizes his actions by claiming it was a one-time push and blames his wife's behavior for provoking him.
Other group members call out his lack of honesty, emphasizing the seriousness and long-term effects of his physical and emotional abuse.
The man expresses shame and embarrassment but also resentment towards his wife, suggesting a lack of accountability for his actions.
The court order restricting the man's contact with his children is presented as his wife's fault, despite being a consequence of his violent behavior.
The man's mother is cited as an "objective" supporter who normalizes his violent reaction, revealing potential familial bias.
The group highlights the contradiction between the man's respect for his mother and his abusive treatment of his wife, who is also a mother.
The confrontation by the group serves as a catalyst for the man to potentially move towards genuine self-reflection and responsibility for his actions.

It’s exactly — and nothing — as you imagine

Yes, I pushed her and shouldn’t have. That was wrong. But I’ve never done it before with her or any other person. She just knows how to push my buttons. She’s not the loving, fun woman I married. She’s serious all the time, and mean sometimes. She talks down to me. She doesn’t respect me anymore. She’s changed. Like I said, that was wrong for me to hit — ah, push — her. But I wouldn’t have if she didn’t act the way she does.

Hey, didn’t you say a few weeks ago that you slapped and kicked her too?

No, I never said that. I only pushed her. I would never hit someone.

Wait, yes, I remember that too. You said you hit and kicked her because she was upset you were unfaithful, or thought you were.

Listen, man, we’re not here to judge, but this doesn’t work if you’re dishonest, especially dishonest with yourself. Regardless of what she did or didn’t do, how she’s changed or whatever, you hurt her. You hurt her physically and emotionally. Let’s be real, you traumatized her, which isn’t just a 1-time event. That’ll stick with her, long-term.

Okay, yeah, I guess it was more than a push. I hate saying that, though. It’s embarrassing and we have new group members today. I’m ashamed of what I did, and still resentful toward her. And I have a right to be. I haven’t seen my children in months. That’s bullshit.

Yeah, but isn’t that because of the court order? You said the court order mandates that, even though she was against it. Isn’t that what you said?

Yes, but the order is in place because she called the police.

Man, she called the police because you beat the shit out of her. And your kids were there, in the other room, I believe you said. Probably heard it. You know, they’re traumatized too, now. Why don’t you just let it go and admit this shit? Bust through these defenses. You’ll feel better and you can finally start working on you so this never happens again.

Listen, I get it and you’re all right. I know this sounds bad but, you know, I was talking with my mother the other day. She’s objective and loves my wife too, and has known her for a long time. She said my wife was wrong for accusing me and that, while I shouldn’t have been physical with her, my reaction was understandable. She said that’s a normal reaction and that a lot of guys would’ve done the same.

So you think your mother is always correct and completely objective. You’re her son. Maybe she’s just protective of you. Consciously or unconsciously. Maybe that’s skewing her view of the situation. She’s your mom.

Well, I was always taught to respect your parents. To respect your mother as she’s the caregiver, a nurturer. She raised me. She’s not perfect, no one is, but moms know a lot and should always be respected. That’s how I was raised.

Your wife is a mom… right? Your wife is a mom. What you did, regardless of the reasons, was that respectful of her? Is hitting and kicking and yelling and name-calling, is that respecting her? Your kids’ mom.

Silence.