Day 1–100 Days to A Body Positive Mindset
The paradox of having a healthier body image when I’m at my least healthy.
Hi, my 100 days 100 ways challenge is to develop a healthier body image. For as long as I can remember I’ve been unhappy with my body. I always think I’m fat and hate my belly. I fixate on it. Not really any other part, mainly my belly. I want those rock hard Insta-abs even though I know in my head they’re probably fake.
I really resonated with this new publication by Andy Taylor because my struggles are also closely linked with my relationship with food.
It started with Sunday roasts…
As a chubby child, I wasn’t unhealthy. My parents didn’t believe in junk food. They’d puree their adult-sized Sunday roasts for me as a baby, then continued with adult-sized portions as I got older. It wasn’t crap, there was just too much of it. And I had to finish my plate or I was a bad child. Throw into the mix I went to a primary school not within walking-distance, meant I was probably consuming too many calories and not getting enough exercise.
As soon as I changed schools and started to walk the weight dropped off me. Then I ran with it too much and before I know it I was calorie-counting and consumed with obsessing over if you could see my collar-bone and ribs. You see, I thought I was being healthy.
And since it’s continued. I see beauty in others and don’t care about their size, but I use a different yardstick for myself. And I’m tired and fed up with the energy it’s costing me. I’m tired of my rigid exercise regimes: “thou shalt exercise 5 days a week or you’ll be unhealthy.” I’m tired of myself.
Paradoxically, it was my obsession and flawed perception of trying to be ‘healthy’ that has led to a far unhealthier relationship with my body. A toxic mindset, whereby I’ve tied my self-worth to my appearance.
Different, ever-changing goalposts for myself, compared to others
My appearance outwardly must show the world I’m healthy, that I make the right choices. This, I suppose, is the bare ones of it, though I know and have seen first hand that some of the healthiest people aren’t skinny.
I remember going to Body Pump regularly as a student, and there was a woman who was in every class and she was tanked. She was a large lady — not overtly muscular — but she could lift some of the heaviest weights in the class. She also did a lot of cardio classes. Yet looking at her she wasn’t society’s typical image of fitness.
These people are everywhere. They’re the majority, what’s normal and what’s healthy. It’s the social media superstars, the so-called ‘reality’ tv stars that are the exception. Yet knowing this in my head, I’m still consumed by a distorted body image, a self-destructive way of thinking.
I’ve never been diagnosed with body dysmorphia because it’s an issue I’ve never sought help for. Because trying to lose a few extra pounds couldn’t ever be a bad thing, right?
I probably also have a little bit of exercise addiction. If I go more than a day or two without a workout I get grouchy. However, I’ve learned recently walking more and doing less intensive exercise maybe just what my body needs.
Through working out I’m sure even with scheduled rest days I should allow more rest. I think I have a stress-belly. Whenever I work out I get bloated. In fact, I’m just an easy bloater.
Decades later, I’m finally starting to listen to my body, instead of being a military commander shouting “harder, faster, stronger!”
I’ve spent so much time modifying my diet and trying to do more exercise to reduce bloating but when I’m really honest with myself , it’s the stress that is probably causing it. I’ve noticed (seems like a distant memory now) when I’ve gone on holiday and I’m really relaxed I feel light and thin and not bloated.
Associating the uncomfortable feeling of bloating with a ‘fat belly’ is probably why I’ve become so obsessed. If I felt less bloated my appearance might not bother me so much. I can look thin on the outside and feel insanely uncomfortable and bloated on the inside so my mood won’t be better.
One insight I’ve noted is when I get sick (which is fairly frequently) it’s probably a sign my body needs a rest. And when I have a splitting headache or feeling dizzy or like my limbs ache (I’m COVID-negative) I really don’t give a toss about my belly. I just want my headache to go away, the lethargy to dissipate and to get my balance back. I’m more grateful to just have a state of health. Oh, the irony.
It’s my intention to try and share some of the resources I’ve found and practices I’m trying to help with this issue. Namely:
- Positive affirmations & journaling techniques
- Cognitive behavioral therapy techniques
- Inspiration from others
- Habit change
I often find with writing and sharing with others it helps to reinforce the lessons and behavior change.
Don’t worry, all these posts won’t be as long.
I hope not only I can change my mindset, but maybe provide a twinkle of hope and usefulness for others wishing to do the same.
Progress
This is Day 1. My first article is written and my project is up and running.
1/1/100 (Number of days goals met/ number of days into project/ 100)