Love Across Class Lines

I’m so glad we are finally talking about the challenges interracial and queer couples face while dating. As a queer, I’ve had my fair share of uncomfortable conversations about my love life with hateful family members.

I’m also a low-income, first generation college student. Universities are dominated by rich people. And while there are plenty of online resources for coming out, or telling your parents about your interracial or queer relationship, I’ve rarely ever seen anyone talk about love across class lines.

But we need to talk about love across class lines. There are so many problems that arise because these differences in socio-economic status can lead to completely different world views.

Of course, this issue needs to be dealt with in an intersectional way. Being middle-class and white is a lot different from being middle-class and black, because black people face systemic racial discrimination and do not have the same financial stability, even if they have equal income with white families.

Of course, I’m speaking from my own personal experiences and the experiences of those around me! My experience is not universal.

Hopefully, by speaking about my experiences dating rich people, I can help others dating across class lines avoid these types of conflicts in the future.

Hustling While Poor

Poor students don’t have as much time as wealthy students, because they need to hustle to survive.

Wealthy people have support networks to fall back on that poor people don’t have. My middle class partners have robust safety networks, so they feel comfortable working just-hard-enough. Sure, there’s a chance they won’t land their dream job, but they can move back in with their parents and their family connections can get them a job, even if they major in something “unmarketable.”

I don’t have that option. Poor people work part or full-time jobs while taking classes full-time. Additionally, poor people typically have lower quality k-12 education, so they have to work harder or get tutoring to pass their college courses.

They often have to provide income or check in on dependent family members, too.

When poor students take on risky majors (I study philosophy), they know that they need to be fully funded in both their undergraduate and graduate education. So they work for hours researching and filling out highly competitive scholarships.

For the record, having to constantly hustle and worry about my next paycheck made me a much stronger person. In a way I’m thankful for these experiences. But they certainly lead me to have less patience for laziness, to work with more urgency, and to have less free time to give to my partners. That can be a cause of tension when wealthy folks don’t understand why poor people hustle!

Actionable item: be understanding when your partner has more school, work, and family obligations to juggle. They may need alone time to recover from all of these obligations.

Managing Money While Poor

Poor people are used to unstable income. You never know when a family member will get sick, your car will break down, or you’ll get laid off. This is extremely frustrating, given how hard you try to save and scrape by.

So sometimes when I have a little extra money, I spend it. You can’t budget for the unpredictability of poverty. Sometimes you need to enjoy the present and say to hell with the future.

Rich people don’t understand this and they criticize poor people for it. They blame the victims for being financially irresponsible.

When you grow up rich, you are used to financial security. Of course budgeting makes sense in that context. Wealthy people can clearly distinguish between spending money on their needs (house, food, living expenses) and leisure. In contrast, I constantly calculate: “If I spend 20$ on dinner at this restaurant, it will be enough food for two meals, plus I will get to spend time with my partner.” When money is so tight, the lines between leisure and need blur.

Actionable item: Don’t judge poor people for not budgeting their money all the time. And don’t try to pay for everything either, it’s embarrassing. Spend time together, not money.

Resting While Poor

Rich people and poor people spend their down time differently. Rich people grow up with more access to extracurriculars: sports, music, academics. Better schools tend to have more clubs. My high school had sports teams and a band. Wealthier schools typically have academic bowls, math clubs, debate teams, and political organizations. These activities are obviously good for brain development. They are also resume boosters for those applying to college. The same is still true in college- extracurriculars are dominated by wealthy people because poor people have less down-time. Again, they have to work, look out for external funding, and they have to try harder in classes.

Actionable item: After working and studying, sometimes you just have the energy for passive hobbies like watching TV. Sometimes you don’t want to have a deep, intellectual conversation, because you are tired. Set boundaries for navigating this.

Code Switching While Poor

Another huge source of conflict when dating between class lines is the culture shock associated with code switching. When poor people go to college, they change their accents and the words they use in order to fit in.

Wealthy spaces like universities also have norms concerning politeness and respectability that poor communities just don’t have. Before I met my partner’s family, I thought it was normal to code switch between public and private places. I was shocked when I found out that much of the politeness and respectability norms are held in place within the privacy of the wealthy family’s homes, too.

I’d be fine with that if it were simply about being polite. But often there are all of these unspoken rules about when and how you can be rude. For example, poor families will just call out toxic behavior when they see it. Wealthy families address problematic behaviors in a more passive-aggressive way. Often when poor people try to question bad behavior that they see, they get accused of rudeness.

While at university, some of the cultural differences are removed from our dynamics because we all live in apartments built for students, but these dynamics become very exaggerated while introducing partners to your family. I remember being shocked at how big my partner’s parent’s houses were and how nice their neighborhoods were. In contrast, I also remember my partners being horrified when they saw my neighborhood.

Actionable item: Negotiate boundaries about how to handle disagreements with one another ahead of time. Consider discussing what “respect” means and does not mean to each of you.

Conclusions

I’m not trying to convince you that dating across class lines isn’t worth it. Of course, plenty of people make it work and have long-lasting and fulfilling relationships. But in order for these relationships to work, it’s important to talk about how different poor people’s and wealthy people’s lives are. Hopefully, the action items provided can alleviate conflicts that arise.