DATING & LOVE CHRONICLES

Dating in Spain vs Dating in the USA (Part 1)

My experience of the cultural dating differences between America and Spain. Olé, y’all.

Spain. Birthplace of Cervantes. Home to flamenco, paella, football and the siesta.

A popular tourist destination inundated yearly with millions of holidaymakers who flock to stretches of sandy beach on which to enjoy some sun, sea and sangria.

Typically portrayed in the media as a haven of romance. Of fiery, dark-haired men and women who can hypnotise with the wink of an eye and beguile you into a passionate summer dalliance.

As for me, while born to British-Nigerian parents, I grew up in Spain. My entire relationship history was developed in the land of bullfights, tapas and Almodóvar movies. I have never dated a Brit, nor have I dated a Nigerian. In fact, my dating experience was exclusively with Spanish women… until I met an American.

While I am currently single, there are some observations that stuck out to me from my experience of dating Spaniards vs dating Americans, and I’m excited to share them with you.

NOTE: generalisations will be made. Taking this article with a pinch of salt is advised.

1.) Plans? Ya veremos…

The first cultural dating difference between Americans and Spaniards is the attitude to actually planning a date.

In Spain we have a very ya veremos (“we’ll see”) approach to dating and socialising in any context — the suggestion of going out gets made, but we’re not quick to affix a date and time to the idea. We’re a lot less regimented when it comes to making plans in general. If the party starts at 8, we’ll get there around 10 and we will definitely not be the last to arrive.

When it comes to dating, we’ll usually keep it spontaneous and plan something for the day of, or maybe a day or two in advance como mucho.

Americans, on the other hand, are the opposite. My ex once planned a date with me over 6 weeks in advance! Granted, she was back in the US for the summer, but still, it made me laugh to know that she was thinking so far ahead, and I also found it cute that she was confident she would still want to see me that far into the future.

Spaniards:

“How about we go somewhere sometime?”

[Somewhere = wherever is open and near to where we may theoretically be at the time of convening.

Sometime = one undetermined day in the future — could be tonight, could be next year. Either way, I’ll let you know with as little notice as possible and we’ll take it from there!]

Americans:

“How about Friday 26th at The Clocktower on Madison Avenue at 7:27pm?”

Fail to plan, plan to fail… right?

2.) The nature of the first date

Another thing that strikes me as an interesting difference is the actual type of first date people go on.

In Spain, it’s common to do something really casual — typically we like to tomar algo (grab a drink/tapas) and we’re not as likely to label it a “date”, as Americans would be.

The term cita “date” is quite strong for us, and it has connotations of seriousness or ownership. Oftentimes we will get a quick drink straight after work during the week, not strangers to arriving in our work clothes and carrying our laptops.

As bad as it sounds, I can’t really remember any first dates I’ve had with Spaniards. They were so “regular” that they seemed like just another day. That’s not to say they weren’t enjoyable and that the company wasn’t memorable, but they’re just not considered “events” as much for us.

Conversely, Americans love a proper date. Dinner and a movie. Drinks and a show. Museums, aquariums, art galleries. Either way, an American is going to try to sweep you off your feet. You carefully research the activity, you plan your outfit in advance, maybe get your hair or nails done for the occasion, you tell your friends about it…

My first date with my American ex was at a nice drinks bar followed by dinner at a beautiful seafood restaurant. She had made reservations for both places and we bonded over sparkling white wine and salmon starters. Worlds away from sipping on a shandy and eating fried peanuts in the bar beneath my apartment!

3.) Cheque, please!

Payment. Probably the most divisive topic when it comes to dating interculturally. Who pays for the first date?

In Spain we keep it simple — you pay for you, I pay for me. Whatever we do, wherever we go, each person pays for their respective part. Of course, you can pay for the whole thing if you want, but it’s absolutely not a requirement or even an expectation.

I understand that this may be shocking to different people, but it makes it a lot more comfortable in case you don’t end up vibing and wanting to see each other again — at least nobody “owes” anybody anything. I personally would feel very uncomfortable letting my date pay for me if I knew I didn’t intend to see her again.

Americans, on the other hand. Night and day! You can’t imagine my surprise when I went to the bathroom as we were getting ready to leave the aforementioned seafood restaurant and I came back to find that the bill was settled and she was waiting for me outside. I was mortified! Especially since I was going gung ho ordering jumbo shrimp and lobster tails for myself, expecting to be the one paying for it.

I later asked her why she covered the entire bill and she simply posited: “Because I’m the one who asked you out.”

Punto. Simple as that.

4.) So what are we? Taking the next step.

So, one thing that surprises me about American dating culture is the fact that it’s acceptable to date multiple people at once before picking your favourite from the bunch to go steady with (assuming monogamy, of course). Then you discuss the relationship dynamic you desire and you make a point to officially become boyfriends/girlfriends/partners.

That baffles me.

In Spain, it’s totally different. We operate under the assumption that once you’ve been spending ample time together doing couple-y things, you’re in a relationship. Almost like it goes without saying.

I actually cannot recall the moment of becoming “official” with any of my Spanish partners — we just sort of… got together. I guess we’re a lot less formal when it comes to romance and relationships in España.

This actually ties into a point I’ll elaborate on in number 5.

Spain: you go out one time and then just repeat that process for X amount of years until you break up or get married, basically.

America: you go out on dates and then have the “So what are we? Talk” with the lucky candidate you selected from the line-up.

5.) So, how does that work for anniversaries?

Well, it sort of doesn’t. In Spain, we count our anniversary from either when we meet, or in the case of people who knew each other long before actually dating, the first “date.” Así de fácil. Simple as that.

So let’s talk about Americans because, honestly, this is where my tiny mind is blown. Dear reader, please follow along with this timeline and then tell me in the comments who is correct.

(For simplicity’s sake, let’s all agree that it’s me, ok? Cool.)

So I met my American ex at the end of June. We hit it off immediately — not seeing other people, strictly focused on each other. She goes back home in July and comes back to Spain the last week of August. First date end of August. Last week of September she officially asks me to be her girlfriend. Of course, as far as I’m concerned, I already was!

So.. when is our anniversary?

I say June, she says September.

Please hurry to the comments to vote for June, thank you.

For more Spain-related content, check out my Spain/Spanish culture articles here!

Thank you very much for reading! If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to leave them below.

If you enjoyed this read and are feeling generous, please consider buying me a coffee as a token of your appreciation. I will send you positive vibes with every single sip. ☕🌸