CRINGE ATTACK
Dating Advice From My Neighbor Who Has Never Been On a Second Date
Always show up late for your date
I’ve dated every single woman I’m matched with on Tinder since I was seven. As your responsible, 97-year-old neighbor, let me help you flourish in your dating life and make you feel like you’re constantly dating someone.
Always get drunk before your first date. You don’t want to reveal too much about yourself. When you’re drunk, you won’t remember a ton so there will be nothing for you to reveal, even if she uses several interrogation tactics on you. Remember — you never get a second chance to make a first impression.
It’s imperative you let her know how many kids you want and that you have also thought about names for all the kids, which are all gender-neutral, proving you’re always one step ahead of her. Talking about your future with her will get her thinking, you are the one. Do not — I repeat — do not tell her you want your kid to study at only Harvard or Yale. You don’t want to come on too strong.
Three hours after your first date, text her, “Where do you want our kid to study — Harvard or Yale?” Always put the ball in her court.
Your court should never have the ball.
If she doesn’t respond within three minutes, text her this — “???” followed by “??????” — with an interval of sixteen seconds between each text. Follow-up texts will tell her you’re an eloquent communicator.
If you give her a follow request on Instagram, but she only accepts the request and does not follow you back, it pains me to say she is not the one. She genuinely believes she has followed you back by only accepting your request. 99% of the girls I have dated do this. It’s rude! If your bride-to-be doesn’t accept and follow you back, say no to her second date invitation.
Never trust a Nina. I will not go into details. She knows what she did.
You DM the girl asking what is she having for dinner. If she doesn’t open your DM for eight minutes, post an Instagram story about what you are having for dinner. She will open your story instantly, assuming she was smart enough to accept and follow you back. Girls are always active on Instagram. Thinking maybe she is busy offline is naïve.
If she doesn’t open your DM for seventeen days, she IS genuinely busy offline. You want a busy wife, not a lazy wife. Congratulations! She’s the one! Also, don’t forget to post a story on Instagram about what you’re having for dinner every day until she opens your DM and answers you about what she’s having for dinner.
Oh, trust me, she will give in eventually. They all do. Cut-off time for her to respond? 125 days. If she went even one day more without answering you, her loss! Do not — I repeat — do not text her this on the 126th day — “Second date this Saturday morning??? If you’re in, do not — I repeat — do not open this DM.”
During your first date, make sure she knows you know her whole life history because you cyber-stalked her. It is always best to go into the date with comprehensive research. That’s what real men do.
Not only will it tell her you’re an inherently curious person, but also you can cross-check with her side of the story when you ask her about all her exes. Putting her on the spot will tell her you’re not someone who is afraid of having difficult conversations, a turn-on to any girl.
Do not use the phrase “cringe attack” every time she talks about her exes. No phrase is cringier than “cringe attack.”
Do not show too much skin by wearing ripped jeans. You don’t want to wear anything revealing. Leave something to her imagination. Be thorough. Black latex gloves (wool if it’s summer) will send the correct message.
The only thing that should be revealed is your face, which you will cover with dark sunglasses at all times. They say eyes are the windows to your soul. Do not give her access to your soul. Head? Baseball cap. Ancestral crown. Diving helmet.
What you should wear on your date? Charcoal Black suit with mellow yellow tie (Mustard yellow is fine). Nothing beats the black and yellow combination. Shoes? Green, obviously (Forest green is a MUST). You don’t want to look like you didn’t put any effort into your appearance. Wearing Axe Signature Mysterious Body Perfume (optional) will keep her on your toes at all times.
Oversharing is caring! I will not be elaborating on this. She has been dying to know about your whole life history from the moment you told her you cyber-stalked her.
Always show up late on your date. Deliberately. Make sure you don’t text her or call her to let her know you will be late. Once you arrive, never apologize and never explain why. That’s what high-value men do.
Ask her why she still hasn’t uninstalled Tinder yet. The more you put her on the spot, the more it turns her on. The more it turns her on, the more the ball is in her court.
Your court should never have the ball.
Make a sexual joke in the form of wordplay every six minutes. If she doesn’t tell you“You are hilarious!” every six minutes, she is a no-no. Leave immediately (after your third joke) without saying a word and do not pay for the meal. Your meal.
Take a peek at her from the outside door to see if she pays the bill (35% tip means she’s a keeper). Then go back inside. Politely ask her to follow you back on Instagram and request her to change her name from Nina to Lana or Diana (Adriana is fine). Anything that ends with “ana” is a keeper.
If she refuses to follow you back and/or change her name, text her this right in front of her — “???” followed by “??????” — with an interval of sixteen seconds between them. If that doesn’t work, leave her a 35% tip and tell her “You are hilarious!”
Then leave immediately.
Your court should never have the ball.
Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Srini
A special thanks to the comedy king T. Kent Jones for always telling me “You are hilarious!” (paraphrased)
If you want to put the ball in my court without leaving me a tip, read the below:
