Dark Side of ADHD

What goes on during a bad ADHD day.

Yesterday was a bad ADHD day. Nothing was wrong, but nothing was right.

Even having a casual conversation was difficult. It was like banging hard on an out of tune guitar, trying to play a song I don’t really know. Then wondering why you don’t recognize the tune.

Maybe if I play the guitar hard enough someone will get the tune. Eventually, I just want to break the guitar.

I’ve felt it coming for a few days. An inner restlessness making my whole world uncomfortable. By yesterday there was anger and over-reaction to all stimuli.

Nothing was wrong but everything bothered me. Feelings of frustration at everything, at nothing, and slow boiling anger. It’s the internal world of a bad ADHD episode. I used to get these before I started taking pills to settle things down. The pills worked pretty well, but every now and then they don’t work.

To this extent is rare. It’s more than just being a little forgetful or scattered. It’s being upset as though something major happened, but to be honest, nothing did. Knowing I'm overreacting doesn’t help. That just adds to the frustration. I wish people would just leave me alone on days like this.

I’m not going to shoot up the place. I may not even say anything to anyone. I know its all internal. It’s all inside the ADHD world. Making silly mistakes. Forgetting things. Wondering why people who have known me for 20 plus years still don’t have a clue what ADHD is.

Yesterday I was so pissed off at my boss I wanted to quit my job. I did manage to stop and try to remember just what he had done that had made me upset. Something trivial that normally would not bother me. I’m not even sure what it was. Some trivial remark in passing, no different than any other day, but the ADHD was raging at that moment.

That’s all. Nothing to get upset about. Yet I was upset. It was not what was said. The problem was having to listen to another voice. Everything is upsetting. A co-worker said something jokingly. We do that all the time to each other.

Last night laying in bed unable to sleep. I was upset, aggravated, and … wait. I was going to say things were going over and over in my mind, but they were not. I was trying to find incidents to ruminate over, but even what I came up with was pretty boring. I was frustrated and angry, but … could not figure out what the object of my ire might be.

I felt all the feelings of being upset, angry, even attacked, without any actual thing causing it. Naturally, I tried to blame what was handy. My boss. A coworker. But none of that really stood up.

Finally decided instead of quitting my job, I would show up today and see how things go. Things were very normal. Nothing unusual. No one seemed any different.

Probably a good thing no one knew about my little internal crisis.

The fog was lifting, the clouds rolled away. A new day dawns. I was exhausted with battling the internal world. At least the battle seems over for now.

I haven’t yelled at anyone, cussed anyone out, or even ran off in a huff because I was mad. I have felt some pretty negative things, but sometimes it is best to keep your feelings inside. There is a difference between bottling things by repressing them, and just not troubling other people with your bullshit.

Just describing how ADHD feels at times. These times are rare, but they still come up now and then. Here is another story with a more positive outlook on ADHD. Both are true … just depends on the day.