Dangerous Ways Manipulators Cause Pain — They’re All About Sabotage
They’ll keep driving that knife in, as long as you let them.
Ah, manipulative people. You gotta love them, right?
That’s what they think, anyhow. I should know. I’ve been around them my whole life.
From one ex-wife who made it her duty to scream at me for hours every day, to a manipulative mother who would use her “pain” to make sure everyone around her did what she wanted.
Oh, and now that she’s in her eighties and lives with us, deep in the throes of dementia, it’s gotten even worse.
Every manipulative person has their own tactics and ploys they use to make sure their own purposes are served. There are, however, some common tricks in their toy boxes they’ll bring out when necessary.
No matter the tactic, though, they’re all designed with one thing in mind: sabotaging your sense of worth and, in some cases, sanity.
“You’re misunderstanding me!”
This is, perhaps, one of the most innocuous of the bunch.
In this wild world we live in, misfires in communication aren’t too uncommon. If you’re talking to someone through texting or on a Facebook post, it’s hard to gauge what the person might be feeling. There are none of the inherent social cues available.
However, manipulators like to use this kind of phrase when they are in the midst of trying to gain control of your sense of clarity.
For most folks having conversations, it’s pretty easy to understand what they’re trying to get across. There’s a gut instinct, a feeling deep inside that something the other person said is wrong. It’s off-kilter somehow, and though you might not be able to put your finger on it directly, you know it’s there.
Manipulators are great at being able to sense when you’re catching on to their bull. They’ll pull out the “You misunderstand” card frequently.
“That’s not what I meant and you know it!” Oh, I heard that one quite a few times and, though I knew better, would give in to it, allowing the person to warp me to what they wanted me to believe.
Always trust your gut. I have learned to smell a lie like a fart in a car. Doing otherwise leads to danger.
“Look what you made me do!”
I think it’s a safe bet to say almost everyone who has been in an abusive situation, especially when it’s physical, has heard this one time and time again.
It’s always “our fault,” isn’t it? It’s never on them.
They’ll take out their bad days on us, or make us feel as if we are the ones who lost control of the fist and brought it down.
My ex was fond of telling me she loved me, but only after I was already bloody. Even today, years away from her and she being in the grave, I still have issues with hands doing certain movements.
It’s never your fault. Got it?
“Why are you still mad at me? What else do you want?”
This one’s subtle.
Let’s play a little scenario out here.
You’re at the movies with your beau, and you’re trying to have a good time. But something he said felt off to you (remember what I said above?) and though you don’t call him out on it, he recognizes he’s being exposed.
He will cover it up or maybe try to play things off, but you still know something is not right with the whole situation.
You’re angry, but can’t really explain why.
So he will pull out the “pity me” card, making it apparent that you’re in the wrong for feeling upset over the events.
The trouble is, you’re not wrong for feeling that way. The emotion you’re feeling in that situation is righteous anger.
It’s there for a reason.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with being mad. It is an emotion designed to give us the energy we need to change our circumstances.
Manipulators will do everything they can to make sure you feel guilty for having that cue you are feeling. It’s there to help you realize you need to go.
They never give the full truth or lie by omission.
I’ve become adept at telling when someone is lying to me.
I can read it in their movements, their speech, or their posture. It’s easy for me to know when someone’s giving me the full story.
Manipulation through lying or through omitting facts is one of the most common tools in their shed. They know they can get away with it most of the time, because few people will call them out on it.
They, too, have learned that society lets liars get a pass, unless it’s blatant.
Look at most politicians for a great example. The public either ignores it entirely, or even makes jokes about how you can never trust a an officeholder.
Isn’t that a sad state of affairs?
Manipulators know, for the most part, they’re not going to be exposed, so they keep doing it.
“Oh, honey, she’s just a friend. Why are you getting mad? I told you we were just having coffee. She needed help at work.”
This technique involves not remembering things, too.
I don’t necessarily mean birthdays or special events, though that can be a part of it. Some people, however, are just bad with that sort of thing.
What I mean is manipulative people will claim they don’t remember something happening when you know it did.
A perfect example of it from my own life is my mother.
My dad was an abusive whiskey-drunk who took a lot out on me. My mother was adept at playing the “if-I-don’t-see-it-then-it-never-happens” game. She was not only an enabler, she’s one of the most manipulative people I have ever had the misfortune of knowing.
And, yes, she lives with us because she has nowhere else to go.
Anyhow, one day I was talking to my wife about something that happened while I was young, and my mother tried to claim such a thing never happened. She played it off as if I was imagining things, even though I pointed out to her every step of the event.
She got to the point of anger, laughing at me as I discussed something extremely painful in my life.
Afterward, the guilt was there in me for feeling angry at her for not believing me when I told her something that hurt me.
You see how it works?
It’s insidious.
They will get away with whatever you allow them to do.
Manipulative people are like energy vampires.
They will keep taking from you, draining you of all your will and energy until you either push them away or fall into oblivion.
Once they’ve used you up and drained you dry, they’ll move on to their next target, forgetting about you entirely.
The hardest thing, I think, when it comes to dealing with people like that is what they leave behind.
For years, I was a shell of the person I once was. My will and verve for life was gone, demolished in the wake of the waves of their presence. I lived the nightmare of guilt-addled sleep and giving up on any hopes and dreams I once held dear.
It took a long time to come back from it, and in many ways, I still haven’t. I may never fully get past the things I’ve been through.
But I have learned to shield myself better and understand when someone is trying to play those hideous games. I am not afraid to call them out when I see them, because I want no one else to go through it.
It’s a lesson I will probably need to keep re-learning, but I will keep struggling to fight for what is right.
I hope you can do the same.
More Stories from me about Mental Health and Protecting Yourself
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