Satire

Dan Coats Disappears in Indiana Cornfield

Gives bored teens a “rad, effin’ night.”

Former National Intelligence Director and noted homophobe, Dan Coats, has not been seen since last week, when he was spotted wandering down I-80, near the town of Munster, by a car-full of teenagers.

The driver, who requested anonymity, as “My ass is underage. I shoulda been home,” said that Coats appeared to be “confused” and “dusty.”

“I”m glad I snuck out, though” said the teen. I woulda missed this. It was effin’ rad!”

He thrust his iPhone at this reporter. “Here, check it out. We took some pics.”

The photo, although fuzzy, indeed shows Coats, turned halfway toward the camera. He holds what appears to be a bottle of alcohol in one hand, and is flipping off the teen-aged paparazzi, with the other.

“There was crap all over his suit,” said the source. “We saw him face plant at least once. That’s when we slowed down. The shit was too good to miss.”

The 75-year-old Coats, a proponent, as well as one of the authors of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy banning openly gay men and women from the military, is one of Indiana’s richest lawmakers and the 103rd wealthiest members of Congress. In spite of this, the clueless politico famously stated that, “The Hoosier way is quite simple — we work hard, and we live within our means.”

“Within our means.” Right. We’re fairly certain we won’t see Dan Coats shopping in the “store brand” section of a Piggly Wiggly, anytime soon.

When asked if they knew who the man in the dusty suit by the side of the highway was, the driver’s girlfriend answered, “Uh…no. We just thought he was some drunken geezer. I kinda felt sorry for him. But I LMFAO, anyway.”

Both Federal and local authorities are now searching for Coats, who, when last seen by the teens, was ambling into a cornfield that extends for miles along I-80. With stalks well over eight feet tall, it’s anyone’s guess when he’ll be found.

As author and journalist, Michael Pollan, said, “Corn is a greedy crop, as farmers will tell you.”

With that in mind, it would appear that Coats found his “happy place.” Perhaps, we should just…let him be.

Sherry McGuinn is a longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.

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