HUMOR

Damn it Unsplash, Give Me Some Sexy Older Women

I know they’re out there. I am one

Seriously, Unsplash, first there’s all the young women with grey hair. Then when I type “older women” into your search bar, all I get are women who look like my sweet little great-grandmother, or terribly sun damaged wrinkled ladies from third world countries.

Not that there aren’t sexy older women in third world countries, too, it’s just that your photographers and collectors don’t seem to come across any.

Never mind typing in “sexy older women.” Try it, you’ll see. I got a dog, some kids — WHAT THE HELL — and a young woman in bondage.

For real Unsplash? We can have young women in bondage but we can’t have sexy older women? What planet do you live on, Unsplash? If I weren’t a sexy older woman, I might even want to live there.

If someone from another planet only had Unsplash to go by, they would believe women in our culture go from flawless young beauty to wizened old woman with nothing in between.

What would cause that, they would wonder? Is there some built-in aging device thingie, only implanted in women, that activates around their mid to late fifties to turn them into prunes overnight? Why?

“We see lots of attractive, sexy older men in these Unsplash archives,” the alien scientists would say to one another. “WTAF happens to all the women who reach the ripe old age of fifty or sixty something? If we aren’t beaming them up, where do they go?”

They disappear, according to Unsplash. And, in real life, too, or at least they’re supposed to. Some of us refuse.

What if future generations only have Unsplash and the writers use it to go by for historical reference? In the future they will have ended aging in the entire population, so old people and their photos will be oddities.

Still, won’t they wonder why men went through later middle age and women simply didn’t? It will be an unsolved mystery. Maybe they’ll devote a documentary to it titled “The Disappearance of Sexy Older Women in the Mists of Herstory.”

See, here’s the thing, Unsplash. I know there are more of us sexy older women out here than you’re representing. I’m friends with quite a few.

We wax or let our freak flags fly. We dye our hair, or let it attain that gorgeous silver younger women just wish they could get from a bottle. We work out, dance, swim, do martial arts, run, walk and stay healthy. Some I know even manage to stay slim. Those of us who don’t are proud of our sexy lady curves. Or we should be.

Maybe if there were actual stock photos of sexy older women we would be prouder of those lady curves. Come on, Unsplash, help an older girl out.