Daily Itinerary of a Nextdoor App Coyote Spotter
It’s like no one else cares in this neighborhood.
5:15 AM: I wake up and get my supplies ready. Flashlight, pepper spray, air horn, and coyote journal. Check.
5:25 AM: I start my first pass through the neighborhood. I like to get out while most everyone is asleep so the neighbors can wake up knowing they are safe.
6:45 AM: I extend my search area, writing down street names and houses that appear to have children or dogs present. They are the targets of the beast.
8:15 AM: Spot him! He’s in front of 63 Elmcrest. I blast the air horn, and as I am running away, I pepper spray behind me. I race home to get wifi to tell the neighbors.
9:05 AM: Arrive home, log in to the Nextdoor app, and type: COYOTE SPOTTED IN FRONT OF 63 ELMCREST AT 8:16 AM. LOCK YOUR DOORS AND SECURE YOUR ANIMALS!
9:10 AM: Walk back to 63 Elmcrest Avenue, afraid for my life but determined to save the neighborhood.
10:00 AM: Arrive at 63 Elmcrest Ave. Coyote is not where I left him.
10:02 AM: Run back home to notify neighbors.
10:41 AM: COYOTE NOT AT 63 ELMCREST ANYMORE. WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN. I HOPE EVERYONE’S ANIMALS ARE SAFE. LOCK UP YOUR KIDS!
10:44 AM: Head back to 63 Elmcrest Ave.
11:13 AM: Arrive at 63 Elmcrest Avenue. I cannot believe they are letting their kids play in the front yard where the coyote was!
11:15 AM: I notify the mother, who was on her phone unaware of the imminent danger she was putting her small children in, that the coyote is out for blood and has targeted her house. She only smiles at me. I don’t think she speaks English even though I thought she said something about mac and cheese to her kids when I arrived.
11:18 AM: I run back to my house to get wifi and type “there is a coyote in your yard, go inside so he doesn’t eat your children” into Google Translate. I jot down the Spanish, French, German, and Polish translations into my coyote journal.
11:50 AM: Head back to the scene of the crime.
12:25 PM: The family moved inside at 63 Elmcrest Avenue, but there are literally hundreds of kids on the street wearing backpacks and not looking for the coyote.
12:28PM: I scream “il y a un coyote dans votre cour, entrez à l’intérieur pour qu’il ne mange pas vos enfants” I hope I pronounced everything right?
12:35 PM: French isn’t stopping anyone, and now kids are sitting on the sidewalk in front of 63 Elmcrest Avenue utterly oblivious to the danger!
12:41PM: “hay un coyote en tu jardín, entra para que no se coma a tus hijos” I scream it but no one looks at me for more than a second.
12:52 PM: Maybe German. “In Ihrem Garten befindet sich ein Kojote. Gehen Sie hinein, damit er Ihre Kinder nicht isst” I say it really mad to emphasize the importance of getting away from 63 Elmcrest Avenue and I flail my arms around pointing at the houses to show they should go inside one of them.
1:00 PM: Anyone speak Polish? I don’t know how to pronounce any of these letters. Come, read this! “na twoim podwórku jest kojot, wejdź do środka, żeby nie zjadł twoich dzieci” I run with my journal open to the translation page, but the kids are running away from me. I wish they would run away from the coyote!
1:15 PM: The woman who lives at 63 Elmcrest Avenue comes out and approaches me. I ask her, “Spreeky dee Doich?” “Fransay?” Please tell me you can understand something!
1:35 PM: Well, that woman does not know who she is talking to and clearly spoke English. Threatening to call the police like that was just rude. I’m the only one in this whole, goddamned neighborhood who even sees the coyotes, let alone warns everyone.
2:07 PM: Arrive home to wifi to inform Nextdoor that the coyote must have found something to eat, likely a small child or cat, and went into his lair to plot his next meal.
2:15 PM: My Nextdoor app is flooded with angry neighbors telling me I wasn’t helpful and that coyotes are more afraid of people than they are of coyotes.
2:36–6:45 PM: Google articles on coyotes killing pets and people. Share these helpful articles on Nextdoor.
6:46 PM: Someone in the neighborhood told all the neighbors in Nextdoor how to block my coyote updates. I guess they all want to die at the hand of the savage beast. I tried.
8:35 PM: I’m getting ready for bed, and my sensor light in the front yard activates. I look out the window, and it’s THE COYOTE! He’s staring right at me. I pick up my phone to tell Nextdoor and warn the neighbors, but I put the phone down. If they want to die, let them. I’ll be safe in my home all night.
10:45 PM: I’m still awake. Trying to figure out how I will get out of my house in the morning for my coyote spotting. Maybe someone on Nextdoor has an idea.
Kristine Laco’s middle finger is her favorite. Find her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter