Daddy Issues: 1984 Unread; A Metaphor for a Life Cut Short
After my father died unexpectedly at 53 on 7 February 1984 I found “1984” face down on the black metal mantlepiece in my parents’ bedroom, the eastern room, clearly unfinished.
I read it then as a sort of fullfillment of his wish to bring the book to consciousness.
I was as yet unaware of the burden of living out the unlived dream of the parent, even a trivial wish to finish a classic novel, cut off by death.
It is too late now, I have wasted decades living out his dreams.
Unlike his brothers, one of whom was a veterinary surgeon and the other a lawyer, he did not get a college degree and I believe it pained him all his life.
His schoolfriend from the posh private school he went to, became a doctor.
My mother is a brilliant woman; she was wasted as a nurse; she ‘should’ have been a doctor.
She’s WAY quicker than me — and I’m no slouch!
I have two fancy degrees from one nationally-renowned school and an MBA from the number one MBA school in the world according to The Economist and Business Week in 2002. It dropped back to tenth place in 2011.
“Wasted all those years… wondered at the fear I’ve had so long”
Bladerunner as a Dad Movie
I love Blade Runner. I saw BR again last weekend after I invited my neighbour to join me and a friend for dinner.
Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, a novel by Philip K. Dick, was the inspiration for the film. I wish I was better at Italian.
My neighbour said she’d been spending a lot of time watching movies with her daughter who’s just moved to Paris. When I asked her to name the movies they’d seen, she mentioned BR and suggested we watch it again, she had it on DVD.
We couldn’t watch it at her place because her husband didn’t want to be disturbed.
“I’ve got a DVD player”, I said, “But I don’t know if we can make it work”.
She paused, looked me dead in the eye and said:
“I am a rocket scientist. I think we can figure it out”.
She is.
We did.
What amazed me when I saw it again, was how familiar it was, how much of the dialogue I knew by heart.
“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe” — Roy Batty.
“Time to die” — Roy Batty.
Warning — Spoiler ahead
For the first time I saw it with the idea that Dekker was a replicant himself. I had never suspected it before and it became quite a different film for me. I felt a lot less sympathy for Dekker, possibly because I missed his narrative from the original sound track, which made me easy to win over. (Remember Harrison Ford’s cameo in Apocalypse Now? Listen for it… his voice is so distinctive.)…
“Terminate — with extreme predjudice” (Great line, not Harrison Ford’s though)
I am still astonished by the claim of a father theme in BR, as discussed here: Replicants and the Primal Father in Blade Runner by Ian Campbell at Very Dad Movies Team. It just dosen’t make sense to me… yet…
I loved my father. He was funny and charming and easy-going.
He married my mother against his family’s wishes.
I believe he came to regret that decision.
He was a spoiled boy born into privilege but easy to love because of his sweet nature and his genuine warmth.
I loved snuggling in my pale blue anorak and my black wellingtons wearing his grey woollen socks over my own for warmth on a chilly Sunday morning as I waited in the kitchen for him to get the cows.
We had to get up extra early on Sundays to milk the cows and deliver milk to the creamery before 10 o’clock mass in the local village church.
I enjoyed the last vestiges of the darkness as I waited in the north-facing kitchen and looked forward to the delight of his company, as I know he delighted in mine.
I see him in one of my sons; the other kids cluster around him to bask in his glow of clarity and honesty. He makes them feel safe.
My father made me feel safe.
It’s been thirty-four years.
I miss him still.
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